Back in Los Angeles, before the tear-ridden main event, Stassi stopped into Sur and sat down for drinks with Lisa. It came out that Stassi was furious that her best friend Katie had betrayed her by joining the bachelorette festivities where people who had hurt Stassi were gathered. It didn’t matter to Stassi that Katie went because her boyfriend is friends with that group and she wanted to be with Tom2; no reason would suffice for betraying Stassi, a girl who might love conflict more than Jax loves sex, more than Kristen should love lithium, and more than I love chocolate. Katie is dead to Stassi, and if she’d just come back from Miami and start withering away to nothing in Stassi’s presence, Stassi’s life would have meaning again.
But before Katie can apologize or grovel or tell Stassi to go f*ck herself, we head back to Miami and into a bar where Kristen looks at Ariana and mutters, “She makes my skin crawl,” to her boyfriend James, a guy who might need to start making better choices as far as girlfriends go since his in bonkers. And as James leaves her to stew in her fury, Sandoval walks over to Kristen.
“Want to go talk outside?” he asks, and you guys, I am telling you, no woman in all of creation has ever gotten up from a leather banquette more quickly than Kristen did.
Outside, she immediately gets teary and Sandoval, to his credit, didn’t take any joy in her pain. Instead he kindly stated, to the girl who slept with his best friend while they were living together – twice – that he wanted Kristen to be happy and that he wanted to be happy himself, and that after six years together, they just couldn’t make it work and that he was happy with Ariana and he wasn’t trying to throw his happiness into her face. And then, as the girl he once loved continued to cry before him, he began to cry too and he told her that he cared about her and he thought he would spend his life with her, but it was over and could she please be kind to Ariana and he in turn would be nicer to James? You know, James – the love of Kristen’s life?
It all would have made for a nice televised moment if the camera hadn’t cut to a close-up on Kristen’s face the second Sandoval began to cry. In that instant – in that one shot alone – it became clear that Kristen is deranged. She felt full of hope for her future with Tom, not hearing that he was basically begging her to be decent to the girl he’s now in love with. And when Tom went back inside, an ominous instrumental beat began to play, like the one before Jason mangles a victim with a machete in the Friday the 13th movies and Kristen sat there with a smile and in an interview stated, “Tom still has strong feelings for me, and if Ariana weren’t in the picture, Tom and I could maintain some sort of relationship.”
Now, you might be thinking that the woman was drunk, so let’s give her the benefit of so many doubts and see what she says in the sober light of day, shall we? Okay – here’s what she said:
“I wish Ariana would get hit by a Mack truck but not die. She’s the Other Woman. She’s a home-wrecking whore. She’s got to go.”
So, as the end of this episode drew to a close, I realized several things. I’m not a psychiatrist or a pharmacist, but I’m thinking that Kristen needs high levels of medication, Ariana needs a good hiding place where trucks aren’t permitted to drive through, Katie needs a best friend who doesn’t put her in a time-out, and Jax needs to be disinfected before he touches another wine glass that then gets released into society for the good of all mankind.
Thanks for reading, and be sure to check in tomorrow for my recap of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.
Finally someone with some sense. I have no idea why this show is on the air except for those perverts who enjoy seeing filth and stupidity in equal amounts. Sad that as a fan of Lisa’s I can’t take watching “her” show. Bravo is desending into the pits of hell with this and other shows they are providing us with.
Thanks for adding Nell Kalter to the mix, Steve! This was an absolutely spot on assessment of V Pump! Can’t wait to read more next week–you’re hillarious!
Love how I have 3 of my favorite shows all wrapped up into one big bow on this site! Love it! Btw…Jacks name is Jason and was changed in miami, but I’m sure that will show up on this week’s blog from the last episode 2 days ago.
Oh I see it now. I couldn’t get the other 2 pages to load because of the stupid virus thing that keeps showing up on this page. It only happens on reality Steve. It’s for malware saying I have attacks on my phone so I have to get on this site like 15 times to finish anything. Please fix thid Steve!
Your hilarious and I’m so glad that I can now read your columns as well as reality Steve for vanderpump rules, bachelor and housewives…what a guilty pleasure!
Nell, excellent beginning here. This show is my secret vice. There’s nothing admirable in my love of all things Vanderpump, especially as my age falls in line with Lisa’s! (And you’re right in everything you state about her). This show is a train wreck of grand proportions. My continual inner question is: ‘Are these people so delusional that they believe people watch and wish they were them?’, as opposed to the relief we feel knowing we’re not. But, it makes for splendid guilty pleasure TV consumption. Keep up the good work, glad Steve added you to his site.
This is not only outstanding but SPOT ON!! Love Reality Steve’s page even more!
What exactly do you mean by “that should tell us a lot about the creatures who raised him”. What an offensive low blow. The name Jax has a strong meaning (look it up) and serves as my sons name because of its meaning. It’s also usually short for Jaxon. If you are going to attack someone bc that’s what you do why not attack something besides a name or his parents for giving that name. If you are getting paid for this you should to be able to come up with something a little better than that. Wow!
Guess it serves me right for reading this garbage
Liked this site much better before Nell started writing blogs. I feel like she is trying too hard to be or outshine Steve.
NELL, where did you come from?? I feel as if the god’s of smart, funny women have smiled upon me & sent you to me. THANK YOU for not only being f’ing hilarious & eloquent in a way that makes my shame in watching reality TV so much more bareable (bc Kristen ISO human foreskin & that might be reason enough to keep watching). You’re amazing. And to the TROLL (a more perfect term has never been coined) @STACECASE it’s clear you were the less attractive/successful/loved sibling…only those people think talented people are talented in an effort to “outshine” someone else. I must have missed the new feature of the reality Steve website that mandates you read Nell’s blog before getting to his. Good writers are just good…although I suspect the person that has so much time on their hands they MUST leave a comment that what they voluntarily read ruined their lives, doesn’t have a clue as to how talent actually works. But I promise you, creative people create because they can, not in an effort to outshine. Perhaps if you find a passion one day, beyond being a troll that is, you may one day understand that.
Absolutely, the best! Keep them coming!!
PS Don’t sweat the small stuff Mom to Jax.
PSS Mom to Jax, when I write Jax spellcheck thinks I misspelled it…so you will have to live with that too.