Vanderpump Rules Recap – 1/26/15

Boys and girls of this land, please listen to me: if you choose to have a one-night stand with a stranger, feeling betrayed is not part of the package. If you can’t handle what the experience is all about, choose to have a different one. And just so we’re clear, I might not be a one-night stand kind of girl, but I don’t begrudge those who are. But you’ve got to know the rules before you play the game, and post-sex confrontation is not part of it.

I could write eighteen pages on the sickness that is fueling Kristen and how her motivations and her actions will lead her to one day residing in a padded room, but I kind of don’t have it in me anymore. Plus, I have to pace myself because I still need to recount the moment when she told her manager to “go suck a d*ck.”

But before we can get to metaphorical d*ck-sucking, we are briefly taken to Tom Schwartz’s modeling shoot and I am reminded once again that Schwartz is maybe the cutest boy in the whole wide world and, if I had my very own Schwartz doll, I would dress him in adorable little outfits and never leave my house. I would put the glasses he wore later in the episode on my Schwartz doll and I would toss Carlin Ozzy, my beloved Cabbage Patch Kid, out the freaking window and I would build a Barbie’s Dream House where I’d allow my mini Schwartz to recline in the pink plastic Jacuzzi until his plastic fingers turn to prunes.

Other than contemplating how I could contact Mattel and ask them to ditch the Ken doll in favor of a Schwartz figure in time for the next holiday season, the scene at the shoot with him and Katie wasn’t all that exciting, though we did get to hear Katie talk about hoping her friendship with Stassi wasn’t over for good. As this show goes on, I find myself liking Katie more and more. I think she’s kind of normal, and that means that she doesn’t want a friendship to dissipate over hurt feelings – and it might also mean that she won’t have her contract renewed for next season, because the common denominator amongst the cast of Vanderpump Rules is not mental lucidity.

The crux (and the crust) of this episode – the confrontation at the bar orchestrated by Miami Girl and Kristen, her deranged cheerleader – is almost upon us, but first we go off to a bar with Jax and Schwartz and we learn that Jax and Carmen are back together, which should surprise nobody but should sicken everybody. Jax plans to take her out and buy her a dress for Scheana’s wedding like she’s sweet hooker who has a heart of gold and no gag reflex and then he imparts to the viewer some deep words of perception: “Girls are weak,” says this piece of sweaty dogsh*t. “Girls can be broken.”

How likely is it that I could hire a hitman during a blizzard?

Later that night the evening shift begins at Sur. Walking in, hand in hand, are Sandoval and Ariana, both blissfully ignorant to the fact that Kristen has orchestrated an ambush, which the darkest portions of her blackened mind believe will finally split this happy couple up for good. Do you think Kristen would miss the emotional carnage? Please! She’s got herself a ringside seat, showing up to Sur on her day off in an unfortunate printed dress to watch Sandoval’s lies (that don’t involve her) exposed. She has a nice fruity cocktail all ready to go. She’s ready, and looking at the excitement on her face from the pain she’s about to inflict, you’d think it was Christmas morning on the year she got to unwrap a pony.

In walks Miami Girl, toddling on very high wedges, and she brazenly saunters up to the bar. Sandoval, upon looking up and seeing a grotesque nightmare he once had come to life, says hello to her – and then walks away from the bar and out the back door of Sur, where he promptly calls Ariana. The two of them meet on the street and hop into an Uber (I’d like to take a moment here to herald the startups that have found success) and they drive far away from a world that once seemed level and sane, a world thrown off-balance by his psychotic ex-girlfriend and the Miami woman, whom he appears to be terrified of.

Before Ariana can get into the back of the car on the street, Kristen, Kristen’s friend (such a shocking thing to type – how does this girl have a friend?), and Miami Girl also go outside. Kristen is laughing as Sandoval escapes, chortling with the kind of laughter I think a professional would read as disturbing, while Miami Girl calls after Ariana, hoping she’ll stop and listen to her brand of truth, and in the next moment she is chasing after a girl she doesn’t even know in an effort to needlessly destroy her.

Let’s hear it for Sisterhood!

As far as Kristen is concerned, the plan has begun to work perfectly. Obviously Sandoval left because he knew he was caught and clearly Ariana was beginning to realize that her boyfriend was a terrible cheater, and even though Kristen created a terrifying moment for him that could lead to him losing a girl he loves, there was no doubt he would lean on her for support.

Before she could figure out which plunging dress to wear for their anniversary celebration, Scheana, who was working inside, caught wind of what took place outside and came to confront Kristen. Scheana earned from me my only points of the night when she refused to shake Miami Girl’s hand out of loyalty to her best friend – but don’t get excited; Scheana will lose those points later – and then asked Kristen how she could have engaged in such a plan and told her that she has been on Kristen’s side, and here she goes and tries to destroy her bridesmaid’s happiness?

As Scheana and Kristen scream at one another – the only thing you have to know is that Kristen’s entire rationalization is that she is innocent and it’s Sandoval’s fault for lying months and months ago – the manager of Sur comes outside to stop the shrieking because it’s not pairing nicely with the goat cheese balls and the rose being served inside. The manager implores the girls to stop fighting, and Kristen, showing her utter class, screams back at her manager and adds the very intelligent, “Go suck a d*ck,” as a final verbal scorcher to a person in authority.

At some point, all of the craziness starts to dissipate, and into the rubble of the fallout walks Lisa Vanderpump and her husband Ken. Before the woman can get in the door, the manager, who had previously been instructed to go suck a d*ck, asked to speak to Lisa and told the Queen all that had transpired.

First to grovel was Scheana, who did everything right in this scenario. She was calm, she apologized immediately, she said such an outburst would never happen again, and she walked back inside to finish working. And as I thought the words “Scheana is smart” in my head, I’m pretty sure that I heard the diplomas on the wall of my office upstairs speak in hushed whispers about how to kill me.