Vanderpump Rules Recap – 1/26/15

Upon hearing Sandoval and Ariana had left their shifts in the midst of the confrontation, Lisa called Sandoval, who said they were both on their way back to work. Lisa was stunned anyone would leave work during a busy night, no matter what the circumstances, and said this to make her point: “I don’t care if your mistress’ ex-wife’s husband’s mother’s father’s son’s lover walks in – you don’t leave work!” And her eloquence is why I shall always hail Lisa Vanderpump.

Lisa knows she will soon have to deal with Kristen, and here one of those issues about reality television pops up loud and clear. There’s no way in hell that Lisa would not fire Kristen for this ridiculous and terrifying infraction, but she really can’t yet since Kristen is on this show, one that Lisa produces, and it’s partially her delusions that help bring in ratings. It’s a conundrum, and she will deal with Kristen later.

Before Sandoval agrees to come back to the scene of oh so many crimes, he asks Lisa if they’re gone, all those girls who love him so much that they have to destroy him.

“They’re all gone,” Lisa assures him – and I have to wonder if none of these people have ever seen a horror movie, because SHE’S NEVER GONE!

And gone she’s not, because back into the bar walks Miami Girl and she goes right up to Sandoval and he kind of simply asks her what she wants out of this strange confrontation.

“Are you f*cking kidding me?” the girl throws back. “We had sex!”

“No we didn’t,” snaps Sandoval.

“Yes, we did,” Miami Girl rages back.

Into the fray comes Ariana, calm as a f*cking cucumber, and she tells the girl who is screaming about having sex with her boyfriend that it’s time for her to go. She doesn’t raise her voice and she laughs in the girl’s face as her boyfriend’s four-inch shaved d*ck is discussed, and finally she gets the Sur security to escort the girl away, where upon Sandoval and Ariana get back to work.

Do I think that Sandoval slept with that Miami girl? Yeah – I do. And I think he regrets it and probably regretted it the moment it was over, when his allegedly four-inch penis completed the job, and maybe sometimes a one-night stand doesn’t matter all that much. But even if it does, I think the retaliation was utterly ridiculous and nonsensical and probably would not have transpired if there hadn’t been a camera crew around. When the girl walked back into Sur to confront Sandoval, we could hear every word she said, and that means she was wearing a microphone pack provided by production.

The next day, Jax and Carmen meet James and Kristen for lunch, which I have to believe has been written on a call sheet somewhere and mandated as a scene to be filmed because I can’t imagine any other reason why this foursome should exist in a setting where their collective presence has to be violating some Board of Health code. But sit together they do, and they discuss how Sandoval ran away from the stalker from Miami, and the look of pure joy on Kristen’s face was chilling.

“What do you want to get out of all of this?” asked Jax.

“I don’t want to be called a liar anymore,” says the girl most people try not to speak to unless there are witnesses.

I’m sure there was far more Kristen did and said at lunch that should haunt me for all of eternity, but it was hard to concentrate since her baby boyfriend was wearing a hat that took the bulls*t beanie to a whole new level. This beanie was not fitted. This beanie was floppy and set back upon James’ head like he was Rumpelstiltskin or some other storybook character in a tale where he had to use his pointed floppy hat to slay the dragon he’s chosen to align himself with.

All of it: horrifying.

All of it: hilarious.

As this was a packed-with-action episode, we also went into the studio where Scheana recorded her new song. The song is bad, okay? But nothing is worse than watching James and Shay, Scheana’s fiancé, two uncoordinated guys with no style, dance around the studio to the track that could very well be the theme song for the apocalypse.

But once the vocal track has been recorded, Scheana loses all the respect she earned earlier by standing up for Ariana when she tells Kristen that she does love her and that Kristen can come to her wedding. The only way I would let that girl into my wedding was if I stuffed her and hung her over the mantle where I said my vows, because if you work overtime to try to destroy my best friend, I will pummel you for sport.

Next week, Lisa confronts Kristen – again – and Schwartz reveals he might not have always been honest with Katie, which means that I’m going to need to dress my Schwartz doll in an outfit he can grovel in comfortably.

I wonder if I can borrow James’ hat…

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.