I’m going to be a bit presumptuous here and make a very specific suggestion to a bunch of people I don’t even know. Vanderpump Rules cast, listen up: you need to immediately make all new friends – people who don’t have the keys to the closets where each of you store your mountains and valleys of damning skeletons – or you must refrain from carrying a cell phone ever.
Both acts would be hard to pull off. After all, these people are earning money and a semblance of fame from interacting with one another, so the mass ditching of friendships doesn’t seem all that likely. And if they didn’t carry phones, how would Jax manage to text random women at all hours of the day and night? (You know those people who can surreptitiously text while their hands are under the table and they don’t even have to look down at the keyboard? I suspect Jax can do that, but he doesn’t need his hands; I believe he’s taught his scrotum to be dexterous.) Plus, if they didn’t have phones, how would Kristen be able to contact and allegedly be contacted by all the women strewn across this great land who have slept with her ex-boyfriend, women blessed with such high levels of awareness that they can simultaneously pick Sandoval’s shaved d*ck out of a line-up while reminding everyone who listens that it’s the limp-haired crazy woman back in Los Angeles that he continues to pine for desperately?
Still, it’s the phones that keep getting all of them into trouble, and this week’s episode is no different, except for the fact that it’s Schwartz and Katie who are being destroyed by the intel found on an iPhone this time around. See, Jax and Carmen have joined Kristen and her DJ boyfriend – whom I laugh at every single time I see his poufed-up hair and then I sober up when I realize that unfortunate aesthetic choice of his is still far wiser than the one he made to romance a deranged woman – at a pool party at a hotel. Over drinks (which are ever-present in the lives of these heathens, lest any of them have to deal with the reality of who they truly are for too long), Carmen continues to maintain that she doesn’t trust Jax, which might be a better argument if she wasn’t reclining beside him. But Jax is shocked – shocked! – by the lack of trust, so he gives his phone to Kristen (which is tantamount to handing a serial killer a chainsaw with an extra blade ready to go) and invites her to look through his phone and then inform Carmen that there is no evidence that he’s been texting other women.
Raise your hands if you’re idiotic enough to believe that a sociopath like Jax didn’t learn how to delete incriminating texts before the time he was toilet trained.
Good. Moving on.
This is hilariously written. Well done
I too loved the reaction from the fellows in the kitchen. It was by far my favourite moment of the episode. Actual reality. Though I have a sneaking suspicion that Kirsten will somehow weasel her way back into Sur. For one she’ll miss Tom too much not to try something. And she must have some sort of contract related to this show. I just don’t believe they’ll want to let her go, she’s reality tv gold. And maybe why she sported the attitude she did, cause she knows that.
I’ve been reading reality Steve too long – I doubt anything is as it seems on these shows…
Thanks so much for the comments! I agree that Kristen is not going anywhere. She IS ratings gold. But I hope she will not be rehired and just appear in other capacities that highlight her growing psychosis.
Nell