Vanderpump Rules Recap – 2/2/15

There are no texts from girls Jax has been with, but there is one from a girl in Vegas who Schwartz allegedly slept with once. It’s really best not to expend the energy wondering why all these people stay in touch with one another’s one-night-stands since it’s something that only makes sense when you are part of a group of friends who like to collect dirt on each other to have as part of an arsenal of evidence as a contingency plan. But the text between Vegas Girl (who I’m guessing is totally different than Miami Girl, as I’m certain Vegas Girl has a degree in Astrophysics) sounds incriminating, what with the agreement she has made in writing to say she didn’t have sex that time with Schwartz. And Kristen, upon hearing the news of a betrayal that will badly hurt someone she knows, smiles widely because she is an evil lost soul who will one day be a footnote in a Psychology textbook in a chapter that focuses on why participants of reality shows should not be clinically insane.

Across town, Katie, Schwartz, and Sandoval go for drinks and Sandoval vents about how he cannot imagine continuing to work with Kristen, who last week tried to orchestrate a confrontation between him and Miami Girl. Sandoval is frustrated; it’s exhausting to try to ignore someone who is crazy who does not have the mental capacity to ever understand that she is crazy. Plus, as Sandoval states with pure eloquence, “I have too much things going on right now,” and since we’re coming off the Super Bowl where I placed bets on everything including the coin toss and which flavor Dorito would be advertised first, I’d like to wager that one of his “too much things” that he’s been preoccupied with is not that he’s been working on a Master’s degree in Linguistics. That said, I genuinely fear for Sandoval’s safety and I hope he’s been taking Krav Maga in between spray tan appointments.

Scheana and Shay soon join the group for drinks, and Scheana yammers away about her wedding and that she’s worried about not having enough ice. While it’s obvious that she’s primarily concerned with keeping beverages cold, I’d like to agree that there better be a ton of ice on hand that day to reduce the swelling that will be caused by her classy guests throwing punches and bitch slaps on her dance floor – and I hear ice might help in case Jax experiences an outbreak of whatever STD he’s recently caught, and if his scrotum is too inflamed, how will he text all of those lucky women?

But rather than get into the conversation about wedding costs and last minute planning, Schwartz is preoccupied. He just received a text from Jax that revealed that Kristen found the scandalous information on his phone, and Schwartz immediately understands two things: random sex with random girls might not always be a good idea, and he’d better tell his girlfriend some version of what happened before Jax, Kristen, or Vegas Girl herself can get to Katie. He pulls Katie aside and explains that he made out with the girl in Vegas and that he was drunk and that he knows doing so was sleazy, but he was unsure about how things were going in their relationship at that point. But the great news is that after a stranger writhed around on his lap, he knew definitively that Katie was The One! Sadly, the manner with which her boyfriend managed to achieve clarity does not offer Katie any sort of comfort. She is devastated and she feels betrayed and she knows the information is only coming out now because Schwartz wanted her to hear it from him and not from Jax, and I’m again going toss out the recommendation that it’s time for these people to make new friends who don’t seek to destroy one another.

Separate from the who’s-cheating-and-which-one-is-lying-and-during-which-course-of-Scheana’s-wedding-will-Kristen-try-to-asphixiate-Ariana shenanigans, Lisa Vanderpump is experiencing a real conundrum. Should she fire the piece of sh*t who told the manager to go “suck a d*ck” last week, or should she keep Kristen as a waitress at Sur? The issue seems pretty cut and dry to me, but Lisa says that she feels a sense of loyalty to Kristen after she’s worked for her for so many years and that Kristen is kind of like family. Lisa? I’m going to fax you the documentation you’ll need to emancipate yourself from any branch of any family tree from which Kristen swings. As a token of gratitude, please allow me to play in your closet for a minimum of one hour and, prior to my arrival, please make sure your shoe size becomes an eight.

But peep-toe slingback fetish aside, Katie and Schwartz are in a rough place after the reveal of the fling in Vegas, and if it would make them feel better, I’d like to invite them to come try on Lisa’s shoes with me. I feel for those two. Schwartz clearly has all sorts of guilt for cheating and Katie clearly wants to forgive him, but cheating is hard to move beyond. She berates her boyfriend for not getting out his slut phase in college and then walks away from him to go to sleep. Luckily, Schwartz has the dog to cuddle with on the couch when Katie banishes him from their bedroom and, though it’s a cliché to say it, perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

Hooray for clichés that turn out to be true! Tomorrow turned out to be a way better day! First of all, it was the kind of day when all of the Sur servers we’ve come to love and loathe work the same shift, so they are all there at once. It’s like those Thanksgiving episodes of Friends where it’s just the six of them and they never leave the apartment, except in this case it’s like six people who want to murder one another locked into a cage that has Zen-like décor. But even more than all of our favorite Vanderpumpers in one place, it was the day that Lisa – after searching ancestry.com in vain to see if Kristen’s lineage in any way wound around her own like a vice – became satisfied that, in fact, there was zero evidence that a Vanderpump-Doute lovechild existed back in the Middle Ages, and she finally decided to fire Kristen from Sur.

While I was watching the firing scene, I was so happy that I swear I could hear a choir of tipsy angels sing a song that DJ James had never ravaged in the distance.

Allow me to walk you through it:

Before work, Kristen sat on the floor of James’ hovel, winding a curling iron around her hair while he assaulted our ozone layer by spraying a full can of hair spray onto his own head. And as she made herself look nice so that Sandoval will one day love her again, she mused that she did nothing wrong the night she cursed out her manager and tried to sabotage her fellow employees.

“I don’t think Lisa has any reason to be mad at me,” stated a woman who I have to believe screams into a pillow for a minimum of one hour each day.

But at work, Kristen is called into a meeting with the owners and the manager she verbally assaulted. Rather than react with shame or any shred of decency, she instead stoically insists that she did nothing wrong, even as Lisa implores her to take some responsibility for her actions. Responsibility? Doesn’t such a thing require self-awareness? Kristen, you see, has none of that, but she does have the chorus of maniacs kick-lining through her head that tell her that she should snarl and smirk as her boss all but begs her to apologize. And when she steadfastly refuses to act like a human adult, Lisa finally just fires her and Kristen gets up and walks out of the room without a word.