Vanderpump Rules Recap – 2/2/15

Later in the episode she will explain that she was not fired for telling her manager to suck d*ck; instead, she was fired because Lisa can’t stand her. And it was at that moment that I paused my television and just stared at the person who gets a salary for being sick.

Can this person possibly believe that one day Lisa threw the names of all of her employees into a crystal goblet and picked one out and the slip of paper said “Kristen” and so that’s why Lisa hates her? Can this woman who our country grants the right to vote really think that it is not her own actions and transgressions and her bile-inducing nastiness that have caused someone to develop a low opinion about her? Was she actually able to say the sentence “Lisa was attacking my character” with a straight face because all of the synapses in her brain have run fleeing from that head hers?

The reactions the Sur staff had to news of Kristen’s firing were hilarious. Sandoval danced a jig. Ariana demanded confirmation that the news was true and sighed the relief of someone who no longer fears for her life on an hourly basis. Katie acknowledged that Kristen deserved to be fired after all the nonsense she’d pulled over the years. And Jax did that ultra-slow clap thing that is taught during the first week of the first semester of Douchebag 101, the only class of his life in which he received an A.

My favorite reactions were that of the two guys from the Sur kitchen, guys we have never seen on camera. These two men smiled and high-fived one another with a look of such pure joy that I can only surmise that Kristen has tried to pee in the seafood bisque on a regular basis. I loved watching those men so much that I will dream of their gleeful reactions as I drift off to sleep like they are sugarplums come to life in a candy shop fantasy, which, incidentally, is a very real fantasy of mine ever since making the idiotic decision to give up sugar.

But in the post-glow deliriousness of Kristen’s dismissal from Sur, there are two men who are not fully joyful, though – for once – Kristen is not the cause of the problem. Yes, it looks as though Jax and Schwartz are having a real conflict, the root of which is that Jax is an assh*le who outs his friends’ transgressions on a rather constant basis. I’m going to overlook the fact that the argument between them began soon after we learned that Jax has a fitness app called Jax Fitness – which is guaranteed to give your phone a virus – because I’m more interested in the fact that Schwartz told Jax to stop perpetuating lies about both him and Sandoval and then he asked Jax for an apology.

The conversation went like this:

Schwartz: Just say you’re sorry.

Jax: I don’t care.

And see, that last line is why men, women, children, and dogs should fear Jax. He doesn’t care. He is soulless and he has no conscience and those two factors rank quite high when determining that someone has literally no moral center. The fact that someone like him is allowed to roam amongst the rest of us should terrify society at large.

Holy sh*t…can you imagine what would happen if Jax and Kristen ever had a child together?

World, meet the Antichrist!

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.