Back at bridal headquarters, Scheana hands out decorated wine glasses to her bridal party and she even has something to give Katie, who is there but is not a bridesmaid. Scheana and Katie both outwardly marvel that they have become close, a fact Scheana attributes to Katie finally pulling her head out of the confines of Stassi’s rectum, and I do have to admit that Katie’s hair looks way better since that confinement ended. And speaking of assh*les, is Stassi off this show now? I mean, I see that she appears in the next episode to make fun of how Scheana looked at her wedding, but is that it? Funny – I thought I’d miss Stassi’s presence way more than I have, but she’s actually not needed to make the action swirl. So bon voyage, Stassi! May you go forth and prosper and do it all while wearing the kind of statement necklace that I would buy for my mother.
The night before the wedding, Scheana and Ariana stay in a room together and they share a longer kiss on the lips than I normally share with my female friends when we say goodnight, but who am I to judge? And I will keep that lack of judgment in mind as Scheana dresses for her wedding, because while I would not wear a bridal gown with a pearl-encrusted crop top, to each her own.
The wedding day itself begins with toasts and a flurry of activity, all of which is captured by photographers. There is the whir of hairdryers and the adhesion of lashes and all is well until Scheana remembers that she forgot her wedding gift to her beloved and now her collection of boudoir photographs are sitting in her apartment and nobody can j*ck off to them. Since the people she loves most are already with her at the venue, she decides to call a second tier friend – Kristen. She wants Kristen to go to her apartment and get her the photos and then bring them to her.
I need to pause here. I know how frustrating it must be to leave something behind accidentally, but would anyone really think it would be a great idea to allow Kristen unsupervised entrance into a home? She is already a narcissist, a psychopath, and crazily delusional. How far of a throw is kleptomania from where she already happens to teeter?
Ariana mentions that she’d like to be anywhere but where Kristen is because she is genuinely afraid of Kristen, which she should be because Kristen has happily shared her colorful fantasies about how Ariana should die and I don’t doubt for a second that she has already picked out a halter dress to wear to Ariana’s funeral. But when Ariana mentions her reservations to Scheana, the bride doesn’t want to hear it. It is her wedding day. She is in a Zen place. She’s pretending she knows what “Zen” means. Leave her alone!
After telling the makeup artist that she wants “a lot of makeup,” we cut to the guys getting ready. Wondering how Shay – a man who is relatively mute – is feeling? Take it away, Shay!
“I feel like I’m getting dressed for my funeral,” says Shay.
I tell you, it’s like poetry…
Back in the bridal suite, Kristen arrives with the book of photographs and an intention, which is to “ignore the f*ck out of Ariana and Katie,” and it’s here where I’m going to once again recommend therapy, because how many adult women do you know who have more than one legitimate arch nemesis? Sure, there’s people you may not like, but this active hatred is just so f*cking weird. Wisely, the moment Kristen arrives and settles in to have her hair done, Ariana vacates the premises, remembering that she once had a fortune cookie that told her “It’s always best to avoid the crazy lady.”
Outside in the courtyard, the guests have started to arrive. Look! There’s that piece of dogsh*t Jax with his ex-girlfriend, Carmen! And here come Katie and Schwartz! Schwartz is wearing a floppy tie that I would never allow my Schwartz Doll to wear (speaking of which – get on that idea, Mattel. It’s almost Earth Day and I want to unwrap my very own Schwartz Doll to celebrate our environment!) while Katie is doing her best not to propose to herself as she waits for the wedding to begin. Kristen and James show up and throw nasty looks to people and into the fray walk Lisa Vanderpump with Ken and Giggy. Giggy is a vision in purple, and I think it’s sweet that he was invited to the wedding, but I couldn’t spend too much time enjoying his presence because my own dog looked at the screen and then glared at me, and I think it’s because Wookie has never attended a wedding or worn anything in purple and now I have a very pissed off Maltese on my hands.
I blame Kristen for that too.
Strolling into the courtyard, Lisa is – hands-down – the hottest woman there despite being decades older than the others and she also has the best comment upon seeing Kristen, because it’s not just sexiness that comes with age sometimes.
“Out of the 310 guests at the wedding, the first person I see is Kristen. She looks very sophisticated. But you can put lipstick on a Kristen and it’s still a Kristen,” says Lisa, and b*tch doesn’t even break a sweat while saying it. This woman needs a holiday anointed in her honor. I say next year we ask Lisa if there will be six more weeks of winter! F*ck the groundhog – this woman is my new prophet.
Before the vows begin – late, because the Instagram Wedding Planner got her training on Pinterest – we get a brief interlude in which Jax mulls over how similar he and George Clooney are in terms of…um… Talent? No. Wisdom? Nah, that can’t be it. Oh yes, they both have a Y-chromosome. They’re like twins! But what Jax cannot understand is how George Clooney settled down with a human rights lawyer. And to explain the appeal of a human rights lawyer, I believe I will need to get Jax into a secluded location where I can lobotomize him and start all over with his brain and there’s simply not enough time.
I have a pedicure to get to.
Once the hysteria slightly abates and Scheana walks down the aisle, her vows are sweet and she says that she is so happy that she would smile – but her Botox will not allow it.
How old is this chick that she’s already pumped full of Botox? And how might an emoji that has Botox look?
I should ask Kristen…
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.