Vanderpump Rules Recap – 2/16/15

For those of you who awoke this morning with a strange feeling inside that can only be described as an emptiness combined with the twinge of being emotionally bereft, I’d like to propose that the cause of such inner turmoil is simply being somewhat let down after a momentous occasion has passed and the only thing you can do to try to hold on to what felt so special is to try to harness your memories. Yes, Scheana’s wedding day is over, and I believe that we are all feeling a sense of loss that such a epic event will not ever come again – until Scheana gets married to her next husband.

But how did the bride feel? Take it away, Scheana!

“I have a husband,” said the woman with lashes so heavy that I’m not sure she could lift her eyelids to actually gaze upon the man who just agreed to legally be tied to her. “None of my friends have a husband.”

And that’s when I started to laugh. That’s also when I started to imagine some other sentences that Scheana has probably uttered with a misguided sense of total pride:

“None of my friends have a married boyfriend.”

“None of my friends have an auto-tuned single that makes the population at large pray for permanent deafness.”

“None of my friends have a crop-top encrusted with pearls.”

“None of my friends have as many vowels in their name as I do – and everyone knows that the more vowels you have, the more jealous people are of you!”

I think that Scheana has actually made an interesting point with her declaration that she has something that her friends do not, but my guess is that the point she ended up making was not the one she was striving for. See, what I walked away with was the understanding that this ridiculous girl is perhaps the embodiment of why certain people should not get married in their early twenties. (I’m not talking about every twenty-something person, so those of you who feel ready to arrange my death, take a deep breath and call off the hounds. I’m talking about a twenty-something like Scheana.)

Scheana strikes me as a girl who requires attention more than oxygen, the kind of person who is far more interested in a wedding than a marriage. This event is not being defined by a great love; it’s being defined by costume changes and sound cues, all of which the Instagram Wedding Planner and the D.J. who was probably procured from Craigslist are getting wrong. And Scheana will not have mistakes occur on her big day!

(What’s that? It’s also Shay’s big day? Yes, that’s probably true, but I like to think that while Shay stays mute as Scheana rails to the heavens and anyone within earshot about how the entire day is being destroyed due to the wrong song coming on during her second huge entrance of the night, that what is happening in Shay’s head is that he is contemplating which guest is most likely to have an extra set of annulment papers on his or her person. Does Jax walk around with some, just in case he spontaneously gets married in the way he often spontaneously has a girl’s name scrawled on his bicep in permanent ink? Might Kristen have some legal documents stuffed inside of her clutch behind her flask? Or could he maybe wander into the nearby wilderness, find a birch tree, peel himself some bark, and scrawl on that bark in crayon a document that will end his marriage to a woman who is growing more hysterical as the night wears on?)

But listen; maybe they are perfect for one another! After all, Relationship Expert Kristen has this to say about the two people now joined in a legal union: “She’s faithful to him and he kisses her ass. That’s a solid team.” Yes, Kristen – that is a solid team. And perhaps you can get a job embroidering your words of wisdom on pillows now that you have all that free time on your hands. I can see it now – Kristen will gaze at the world though her very warped lens and will create a set of pillows and shams that illustrate what she has learned about love. I’d like to caution anybody who purchases anything from that line, though – I’m pretty sure those pillows will give you lice.