Vanderpump Rules Recap – 2/23/15

It turns out that tonight’s episode of Vanderpump Rules is titled Jax Cracks – and having such a ridiculous rhyming gift bestowed upon me obviously means that I need to immediately deliver a speech expressing my sheer gratitude. (Full disclosure: I’m coming off having Oscar fever, so I’ve been making acceptance speeches all day long. The guy at Starbucks looked incredibly confused when I thanked both him and my third grade teacher for my non-fat latte.)

But on to my appreciation for Jax Cracks:

I’d like to thank the programmers at Bravo who realized long ago that the population at large would literally watch anything as long as it’s run as part of a marathon.

I want to acknowledge Andy Cohen for being the closest thing to an Evil Genius ever seen outside of a comic book and for helping to usher in a society where the sound “NeNe” all of a sudden has a terrifying meaning that makes toddlers and grown men alike cower in utter fright.

I need to take a moment to recognize the former and the current Housewives for lowering the bar of personal exploitation until that bar began to reside in the flaming depths of hell and for illustrating the potential repercussions of what could befall an entire family due to a proximity to fleeting reality television fame.

I want to thank the cast of Vanderpump Rules, who have collectively and systematically refused to see the negative outcomes inherent in baring one’s life to both a camera and an incredibly judgmental audience. Thank you, Vanderpumpers, for having absolutely no guile whatsoever.

I’d especially like to single out two members of the cast. Jax, while I have no idea what finally makes you crack – as per the episode title – I’d like to venture that it’s either gazing at yourself in a reflective surface and having a moment of clarity wherein you realize just how vile you are or that the titular cracking came about because you applied a medicated ointment somewhere you should not have. Either way, thank you for proving that evil does exist in human form and for serving as televised evidence that any decent looking person can become hideous when his heart and his mind are bleak and charred. And Kristen, while I hope that one day you seek out some psychiatric help – perhaps a live-in mental health professional who manages to get your health care provider to include tranquilizer darts as part of your insurance plan – and that you begin to search for a life that won’t lead you to one day permanently residing in VH1’s Sober House, I must ask that you refrain from getting help until after this season ends, because I need sh*t to write about.

I’d like to express gratitude to the men in my life who have enough confidence in their virility to banter with me about this show – or who have at least smiled politely and told me that we could talk after the show ended and managed to not laugh directly in my face as they said it.

Finally, I’d like to thank my mother, who always told me that I could do anything (except appear on a reality show) and that my talent could take me anywhere (except to a house lined in cameras for a reality show) and who is so beautiful that more than one of my suitors has looked at her and then at me and sighed a great sigh of relief. Her genetics allow me to forgive her for refusing to watch the programming on Bravo and therefore having no idea what it is that her youngest daughter writes about.

Thank you all so very much for this honor!