Vanderpump Rules Recap – 2/23/15

Okay, so I got a little sidetracked there, but it was fun to pretend I was on a stage somewhere and not back at Sur where we learned in the first thirty seconds of this episode that Jax has no idea how many days are in a year. We also discover that he allegedly told Kristen to keep her composure at Scheana’s wedding instead of hauling off and punching her boyfriend directly in the face before the cake was served, but I’m a little suspicious about that particular reveal. I think that if footage existed somewhere of Jax teaching Kristen etiquette, we would have definitely been shown some of that fabulousness. I’m therefore far more likely to believe that Jax said absolutely nothing about to Kristen about her ready-to-brawl behavior and is telling Sandoval and Ariana that he did say something because he is a pot-stirring sociopath who spreads gossip along with disease and, now that Kristen is officially no longer working at Sur, Jax needs some allies and figures he can snag some by dangling terrible tidbits about a girl everyone fears before their weary eyes.

It’s not the worst plan Jax has ever had.

Elsewhere in the restaurant, Kristina is setting glasses on top of a table and asking the stars above why she is not yet in the opening credits of this f*cking show when karma shines upon her by bestowing a miserable Katie into her eyeline.

“How was the wedding?” asks Kristina hopefully, the lilt in her voice betraying her very real need to hear some very bad news.

“It was actually really nice,” responds Katie.

“Don’t say that,” Kristina actually moans. “I want to hear all the bad things.”

Kristina has a point here. It’s not a good point, but it’s a point. See, if she doesn’t hear viable gossip and stories about the people who actually star on this show, how can she possibly run to tell Stassi all that she has learned, thereby giving herself somewhat of a storyline? Why can’t Katie tell her that Scheana not only wore a crop top as she walked down the aisle but that she also peed in the champagne and then had tantric sex with a guy who might or might not have been her uncle on one of the bluffs that overlooked the exact spot where Schwartz gave his girlfriend of four years a ring on a string?

Why is the universe so unfair?

But none of us should worry about Stassi. If she can’t get some good dirt from Kristina, she will just go to Peter! And as she and Peter meet up for grilled chicken wraps and gossip and to keep Stassi somewhat relevant, I made a mental note to remind myself that Kristina is all kinds of useless.

Thank goodness I didn’t thank her in my acceptance speech.

Stassi is excited to get together with Peter so she can hear about all the sh*t that went down at a wedding attended by people she claims not to care about and she is rewarded with the Tale of the Punching Kristen, an event nobody at the event actually saw but one they all continue to talk about in detail. Peter explains that Kristen has become more and more unhinged since the night she waltzed into Sur with Miami Girl to confront Sandoval, and Stassi reveals that Kristen has been texting her recently in the hopes that the two of them can get together. Obviously, there comes a moment during dinner when Stassi gets to maintain that she is so beyond all of these people, but she is curious to see what Kristen is currently scheming about because only a normal person texts an old friend to meet up for benign reasons; somebody like Kristen texts an old friend in an effort to construct a thread of misery that even our most learned psychiatrists have no idea actually exists in the depths of the human psyche.

“Kristen is a car crash in slow-motion and I am so curious and I need to watch it,” says Stassi, and I know just what she means. It’s while she is uttering a sentence like that one that I am reminded that Stassi is no dummy. She might be an assh*le who I believe could very well shrivel up and die if she didn’t have omnipresent cameras pointing at her face and producers telling her how very important all of her opinions are, but she knows quite well who around her is sane and who is not and she apparently also knows how to dispose of a body, and a girl like that could actually be very helpful in a certain kind of crisis.

Speaking of a crisis, Lisa sits down with James at Sur. James folds napkins and looks particularly ridiculous as his hair swoops alarmingly to the left as though it is at half-mast since his relationship with the girl who slugged him went downhill. James explains to Lisa that he was beyond drunk at the wedding and that he’s a little insecure about his relationship with Kristen and Lisa tells him that perhaps Kristen is not the right woman for him. Now listen: I know that Lisa might get a lot of sh*t for getting involved in this scenario and I’m sure that Kristen used this scene for as much ammunition as she could lug with her to the recently filmed Reunion. But the truth is that you cannot really claim that Lisa should not get involved when she is the producer and the star of the reality show that you have all signed contracts to appear on. Plus, everything that Lisa says to James about his questionable choice in mates makes excellent sense, so Kristen can suck it and really, what we should all be most concerned with is the fact that James says that he is happy with Kristen “every day,” which clearly means that young James has lost his mind entirely and maybe that’s why he makes such problematic style choices.

Also a sign that his rational mind has now ceased to exist like he’s a former Manson follower, James meets up with Kristen the next day. Both are wearing black – they’re in mourning, you guys! – and James immediately launches into an apology for getting upset that Kristen is still completely in love with her former boyfriend and leaving his face open for two of her punches. He tells her that he has evaluated his actions and that he loves her and she lets him know that their relationship feels tainted now. He then attempts to explain to the delusional woman sitting sullenly before him that it’s difficult for him to watch her obsess about Sandoval constantly, but that’s a charge that Kristen will not accept. See, she’s obsessed with everybody knowing the truth – that Sandoval cheated on Ariana months and months ago with that chick from Miami – and her total desire for the truth is what she is obsessed with, not Sandoval!