If I had been allotted a full three years to sit inside of a dark room and devote all of my time to trying to figure out exactly the way that the guys from Vanderpump Rules would commemorate Shay’s last afternoon before he willingly married Scheana, I could never have come up with what actually transpired. My imagination’s vivid and all, but I’m not sure it would ever venture towards the sheer darkness that involves the scenario of four grown men standing in an alley, drinking 40s out of brown paper bags.

And then, of course, there’s Jax, whom I’ve come to believe is smegma personified. He appears suddenly onscreen and we can see, even without a cut to close-up, the faint sight of the gash that’s still on his forehead from that time he ran through a glass door to stop his car from being towed. He stands there in the dirty alley (“Maybe this is where I came from…” I imagined his inner voice whispering excitedly to the meatier parts of his … Continue reading →

I’m going to be a bit presumptuous here and make a very specific suggestion to a bunch of people I don’t even know. Vanderpump Rules cast, listen up: you need to immediately make all new friends – people who don’t have the keys to the closets where each of you store your mountains and valleys of damning skeletons – or you must refrain from carrying a cell phone ever.

Both acts would be hard to pull off. After all, these people are earning money and a semblance of fame from interacting with one another, so the mass ditching of friendships doesn’t seem all that likely. And if they didn’t carry phones, how would Jax manage to text random women at all hours of the day and night? (You know those people who can surreptitiously text while their hands are under the table and they don’t even have to look down at the keyboard? I suspect Jax can do that, but he doesn’t need his hands; I believe he’s taught his scrotum to be dexterous.) Plus, … Continue reading →