Even after hearing that he might have forcibly tried to remove some girl’s top, Kristen decides that James is at least being honest and really, she’s never spent fifteen whole minutes without a boyfriend/enabler so she figures she’d better forgive the guy. They kiss and she cuddles up in his chin and thanks her lucky stars for her excellent fortune and I think that maybe all this happened on the same night the moon turned red and now we really know why such an event transpired.
A way happier couple, Ariana and Sandoval are shopping for furniture now that they’re living together. For example, they’d like to replace the sofa Kristen f*cked Jax upon while Sandoval (Kristen’s boyfriend and Jax’s best friend) slept one door away in the bedroom. The sofa is tainted and all of the toxicity needs to leave the environment so the two of them can continue to be blissfully happy with one another. The only thing marring their joy is that Scheana continues to interact willingly with Kristen and Ariana is offended by that relationship, a reaction that kind of makes perfect sense.
Back at SUR, Ariana and Jax are working the bar when Jax asks Lisa what she thought of Brittany. Seeing as the girl showed up sans pants and sans resume, Lisa didn’t think too much of her (or at least she was coached to play down the fact that this chick is totally going to be a fixture on the show this season) and she refuses to give Jax a definitive answer about the girl’s reality show fate.
In another conversation, Katie explains to Scheana that Lala is shady and Scheana laughs and immediately hops on Instagram so Katie can take a gander at Lala’s profile picture, which is a shot of her ass. And when Scheana – who first gained notoriety for sleeping with a married man – says that the shot is akin to being asked to get f*cked in the ass, that’s maybe when you know that, impressive as an ass can be, perhaps it’s best not to make it your profile picture. Scheana’s comment can really be seen as keen advice, a “The More You Know Ad” for the population of the Internet generation that has very few brain cells. She might be on to something, though. She’s heard some rumors about how Lala goes on sponsored trips where she’s probably going down on far more men than she is going down any catwalks.
When Katie and Scheana approach her to find out the truth, Lala tries to shoot them down halfheartedly before admitting that yes, the Italy trip is for fun and not so she can close out the Gucci show. As far as what she, a poorly-paid hostess, must do to land one of these trips, all Lala has to do is be herself because, as she so eloquently states, she’s “a fun bitch to be around” so she gets to keep her “legs closed.”
“What about your mouth?” asks Scheana – and betrayal of Ariana aside, I might like this girl because that’s a damn good comeback. And I mean for there to be absolutely no pun intended in my usage of the word “comeback” in this context.
But when Scheana goes up to the bar and tells Ariana about how Kristen is being crazy and sending her mean texts, that’s when Scheana loses any points she’s just earned with me. There aren’t that many people in the world one should be entirely loyal to since true loyalty is not easy to execute, but one’s best friend is worth that trouble. Unfortunately, Scheana cannot see that cutting Kristen out of her life is something that makes sense, even though she’s spent the last several hours fielding nasty text messages from a lunatic. Still, when Kristen shows up at Scheana’s apartment to chat and to apologize for calling Scheana “rude” and to enlighten Scheana about how James manned up big time by admitting the (lying) truth about cheating on her, what Scheana wants to know is why Kristen lacks so much self-awareness that she cannot realize that she is the common denominator in all of her miserable relationships. It’s a damn good question and Kristen responds exactly as one would expect: she looks stunned. How dare Scheana speak the truth directly to her face? How is it even possible that any of the brawls she’s gotten herself into are her fault? At any rate, Scheana kind of feels done with Kristen. She’s got some great reasons, too. Kristen shows up places uninvited. She wishes a painful death on Scheana’s closest friend. She all but pisses in the gift bags at every event she crashes. She is a senseless assh*le who uses odd games of semantics to bully people into staying her friends, which is exactly what she does by telling Scheana that this entire thing (including the text messages where she called Scheana “rude” and Scheana’s friend “a whore”) is not about Kristen. Of course it’s not about Kristen! This is all because of Ariana, that bitch, who is making Scheana choose between them and what kind of person would do such a thing to a friend and Ariana is evil and she f*cked Kristen’s boyfriend and she’s the one putting Scheana into this situation, not Kristen.
Might anyone know either Kristen’s psychiatrist or pharmacist? If so, can you maybe send them a message that whatever it is that they’re doing isn’t working?
Next week, it looks like Schwartz is about to propose (hopefully to Katie and not to the dog), Lala cries about feeling alone and targeted, and Scheana insists that her problems are the worst problems anybody in all of creation has been forced to deal with, though they do look pretty awful as her husband seems to have left home for a while and a drug problem lurks on the horizon.
All that sh*t is Ariana’s fault too.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.