Vanderpump Rules Recap – 11/23/15

November 24th, 2015 | No Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 4

With appreciation now properly articulated, it’s time to get into this week’s episode and we begin where we left off: in the steaming pit of Scheana’s despair. Her husband might be a drug addict who also has a drinking problem, but that won’t stop Scheana from helping Katie. Katie has a blog! Pucker & Pout focuses on beauty and hair tutorials and Katie needs Scheana to pose wearing headbands that have sh*t dangling from them. A beacon of strength, Scheana is allowing herself to be photographed against a white backdrop even though her marriage is imploding in a spectacularly sad fashion. She and Shay haven’t spoken in several days and she is scared. To take her mind off her emotional turmoil, Schwartz explains to Scheana that he is a graduate (nay, the Valedictorian!) of The Sandoval School of Modeling – and just because he was the only member of his graduating class does not mean that this major accomplishment should be diminished. He can therefore provide some posing tips he gleaned from a beanie-wearing-Zoolander-wannabe, but his explanations about how to look swarthy on set will have to be doled out at another time because Scheana needs to vent. She tells them that she left work crying the night before after telling Lisa the truth about her husband being an addict.

Schwartz is surprised by these revelations because Shay doesn’t look like the kind of guy who becomes an addict. Illustrating his decency, he wants to reach out to him. Katie, knowing she can’t help Scheana with anything real in this very moment, tells her to breathe and to not cry her lashes off and then plops her in front of a backdrop with golden accessories weaved through her hair. I’m not and I have never been a dangly headband kind of girl so I will not be subscribing to the Pucker & Pout newsletter, but part my resistance is due to the fact that a large piece of me is still haunted by the orange hair Katie rocked several seasons ago. Seriously, when I play the game “Bloody Mary” in front of the mirror, it’s Katie and her orange hair that appear. As a result, taking any kind of hair-related advice from her seems laughable, but I still kind of like Katie. She seems kind and (dare I say?) normal and I like to support anyone who has a blog, so those of you who want to shove golden accessories into a high bun should definitely check it out.

Over at SUR, Jax approaches Lala at the hostess station to ask how things are going. “It’s a tough crowd over here,” says Lala, which means at this point all we’ve heard from Lala is that girls are mean to her, she experiences panic attacks that a proximity to her mother can soothe, and she hasn’t yet told Jax or James that they’re f*cking revolting. Last week I rationalized that Lala had to be pretending to find cretins like Jax and James intriguing because she desperately wants to snag more camera time and cavorting with assh*les will accomplish such a thing. Nothing else made sense to me. I mean, James is almost more loathsome and annoying than anyone currently appearing on television, and that’s saying something when shows like Marriage Boot Camp are still on and the mom from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and her mammoth arms are starring in this season’s installment. Still, James manages to register somewhere alarming on my scale of that which skeeves me out entirely (1. eel 2. someone else’s bloody tampon 3. James) so I found it impossible that anyone, Lala included, would choose to spend time with the guy willingly. But then I saw something online last week that reported that these two are together now for real. As a result, any pretend respect I once had for Lala is gone so I’m finding it quite enjoyable watching Jax sidle up to her, a line of ooze that smells like sweat, condom lubricant he has yet to wash off, and broken dreams following him from the bar.

“Any males in the equation?” he asks Lala in a manner I think was probably meant to be flirtatious and not nausea inducing. It’s fine for Jax to flirt! It’s not like he and Brittany are married, he explains, so he needs to see what’s biting besides that pesky pubic lice he can’t quite shake. By the way, how good is Jax’s game? Let’s call this example exhibit A: he asks Lala if she’s Mormon since she’s from Utah (she’s not) and then inquires as to whether or not it’s true that Mormon women love having anal sex as a means to protect their virginity. There’s nothing like chatting about anal sex at a hostess stand with a camera pointed in your face while nearby diners eat overpriced salad, is there? The whole thing is so romantic that I can almost hear a chorus of herpes-infected angels singing in the distance. Oh, and what’s Lala’s response? She lets Jax know that Mormons also give killer bl*wjobs.

Lisa shows up next and she pushes Jax away from the hostess stand, telling Lala to ignore 95% of what the guy says, a figure that strikes me as rather generous. Upon being asked why, out of all the women in Los Angles, Jax must hit on the girl who works in the front of the restaurant, Jax responds, “Every girl needs a little Jax in her life.” Okay, I know this is television and the guy is happily playing up his archetype (he’s the sleezeball!), but if more men begin to speak that way and refer to themselves in the third person, I’m becoming a lesbian. I’d never go after Lala, though. I know where that chick has been.

As for Lisa criticizing Jax for hitting on her new hostess, it’s annoying me and my irritation is causing some confusing feelings. I have stated in the past that I find her so fabulous that I’d like to anoint at least four holidays in Ms. Vanderpump’s honor – and I’m talking holidays with no mail service. But here’s the thing: asking any viewer to pretend that Lala wasn’t cast on this show expressly to be dangled like a blonde opportunity in front of human piglets is just asking too much. I hope from this point forward that Lisa devotes her sighs of exasperation entirely to the physical wellbeing of her swans instead of attempting to make us believe that she just cannot fathom why a confirmed douchebag (whose relative exposure to fame only serves to make him an even bigger douchebag) is acting like a humongous douchebag.

Since the editor of this show must also be a douchebag, we remain on an image of Jax. He really wants Lisa to hire Brittany to bartend at SUR, an idea that’s laughable seeing as the girl interviewed for the position in a camisole and some invisible boy-shorts. Lisa thinks it’s ridiculous that this girl is moving to LA and giving up the life she knows for a guy so fickle that “he’s had three noses in one year.” Still, it’s looking like Brittany might be hired and, just so we’re clear, it would have nothing to do with creating some televised drama so stop thinking crazy. The girl is just the best bartender who has ever walked the planet and SUR clearly only employs the very finest.

Now it’s nighttime so James and his long necklace meet Jax, Peter, Sandoval, and Schwartz at a bar so they can knock back enough drinks to take their minds off what’s real. As James is a guy who totally knows his limits, he does scores of shots, informs the group he and Kristen are heading to couple’s therapy, and then, as the alcohol races through his bloodstream, flails his arms about, invading personal space and commandeering the conversation entirely. Could it be that I actually despise James more than I do Jax? Can we just call it a f*cking tie?

And what does James think about the girl now rumored to be his true love? Take it away, assh*le! “Lala is like that pretty hot girl who wants to be a huge slut but pretends she’s not a slut but really she’s a huge slut.” Aww. Can those poetic words be engraved inside of a fake gold ring for his very special sweetheart by Christmas?

Over at Kristen’s apartment, James is passed out on the couch still wearing both his hangover and that hideous tank top. The day starts with eggs and gloom and angry discussions about how they’re headed to a therapy session. I’m a proponent of therapy; I think there’s something really beneficial about getting to the heart of a matter that’s been clouded by confusion, but I’m having a tough time doing anything but laughing about these two battling to save a relationship when they so clearly despise one another. What exactly are they fighting for here? And what kind of licensed professional hasn’t yet locked Kristen inside of her office and slapped her silly for even deigning to pretend that this English child is a possibility in her plans for long-term happiness?

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