Across town, Lala and James head out for something to eat. The food can’t get there soon enough because Lala has been starving herself all day for sport. James tells her that she’s beautiful and Lala says he is unlike any guy she’s ever met – which I guess means that she’s only met humans before. Then they discuss the malady that is Kristen and how she will likely confront Lala and I dislike all of these people so completely that I’m already setting up the Dexter-style plastic sheets and making popcorn so that I can fully enjoy the carnage. May nobody be left standing besides one of Lisa’s swans and both Toms! After all, Schwartz is adorable and Sandoval apparently can cook and the world needs better looking people who have mastered culinary artistry.
And now it’s time for the waitresses of SUR to meet with a sommelier so they can finally learn about wine and stop embarrassing themselves by offering to pair tilapia with a Pinot Noir. Lisa is emphatic that the diner’s experience must be completely high-end. That’s a fantastic goal for a restaurateur, though hasn’t the whole enterprise already been somewhat sullied due to the staff of one of her establishments fornicating all over basic cable? Still, I’d very much like a glass of red, please. Now.
After the corks are pulled correctly, Lisa and Scheana sit down and discuss how Shay is not working right now and Lisa advises her to be tough on her husband and not to make excuses for him. She wants them to make it through the hard times and for Shay to be working as hard as Scheana is to make things better.
Later on, a bunch of our favorite Vanderpumpers get together for a night out. Jax is sweaty as usual and Scheana is ready for The Kristen Show (wherein an adult woman loses her sh*t completely in public while a camera aimed at her face captures the veins that pop alarmingly when she screams at another woman) so she left her husband at home to come watch something fun. When James and Lala show up, it’s confirmed that they are “having fun” and right about then is when Kristen descends down the staircase and joins them all at the table with a wide smile plastered across her terrifying face. Like an assh*le who now fancies himself a star, James jumps right in and starts verbally tearing Kristen to shreds and he seems surprised that Lala isn’t cheering him on and screaming something like, “So there!” into the face of the person who was his girlfriend up until yesterday. I’ll give Lala credit here for not swan diving into the fray, but she loses any built up goodwill by not walking away from the guy for good in that moment as she watches him take absolute pleasure in being so malicious.
It’s really hard to feel badly for Kristen though – it’s actually so difficult, I’m not even going to try to delve into my heart and locate some genuine sentiment for her. There’s something very sad about seeing someone show up to a venue populated by people who have violated her and deceived her, people she too has violated and deceived. There is no strength radiating from her eyes as she sits at a table with the toddler rocking some sparse sideburns who just gleefully broke up with her. I don’t see her confidence expanding as she stares at the girl who is about to take her place for the time being. The entire exercise is needless and it’s depressing and I give her absolutely no credit for willingly placing herself in this position.
Maybe I’d have some compassion for Kristen if she didn’t decide that her anger should be directed at the random girl who owes her nothing. When Lala approaches the evolved lunatic, Kristen keeps her voice level so as to appear sane and tells Lala that James refers to her as a slut and a whore. Then she grins her first actual smile of the season when James comes over soon after Kristen shared her secrets with Lala – he sits between them because he’s a total loser – and Lala tells James that she doesn’t want to talk to him right now. Seriously, these people are f*cking damaged and if you think I’m mistaken, go back and freeze-frame the moment when Kristen realized she truly hurt some girl’s feelings and you will see unadulterated bliss steaming out of the ears and nostrils of a horrible person.
Lala feels really offended right now. She doesn’t like being called a slut and a whore and she’s definitely not basic, so f*ck you and your dangly necklace, James! And as the room grows hotter and the drinks flow more rapidly and Jax sweats constantly and profusely while grinning at the conflict in his midst like a Cheshire cat on a blow and Adderall cocktail, Scheana reams James out for the words he’s used to describe Lala. Wasn’t it just an episode or two ago when Scheana implied that Lala was a hooker? Never mind about that! The most important thing to come out here is that Scheana proudly declares that she’s not a feminist and that is a f*cking relief because the last thing women should ever believe in is power and equality.
It’s so much more important to encourage one’s addicted husband to lose some weight, isn’t it?
Coming up next week, James gets drunk and volatile yet again. Watching the preview made me roll my eyes – and then those same eyes filled with tears as I was reminded of how unfair it really is that a dog’s life must peter out but that this human douchebag will probably live until he’s f*cking ninety.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.