Sandoval and Ariana ride over to SUR on a bicycle and they are really looking forward to a big party this year. Lisa all but ignored SUR last year to concentrate on Pump and the SUR staff made very little money as a result. But things are looking up. The girls are decked out in hot pink dresses with pictures of farm animals emblazoned across them and both places are packed. None of that matters, however. What is supposed to matter to us is that Lala is chatting with some hostess named Lauren, she of the hickey expertise, and they’re talking about how Jax keeps looking over at Lala. It takes but a mere moment of eye contact between them before Jax calmly bellows for her to come over to the bar. “How do my t*ts look?” Lala asks her unknown competition before she makes her way towards the greasy guy who wants to ride her like she’s a used Honda Civic. Lala asks what’s going on with his girlfriend and he evades her question like he’s an evil genius suffering from a bout of rampant stupidity and they make tentative plans to get a drink because Lala finds him adorable, especially his tattoos which are basically a list of the names of girls who have visited his crotch. They give each other a hug and, just as she walks away, Jax tells the first person he sees, “I’m gonna f*ck her,” and my belief in humanity is restored but that’s probably only because I’m drunk.
Since he doesn’t officially work at SUR, Schwartz shows up just to hang out. He’s so relieved he doesn’t have to tend bar. It was just last year that he had a mini anxiety attack over at Pump because thirsty crowds make him nervous. He might need to pinch hit, though; Jax is hammered and he’s accidentally breaking glasses and if he perspires more, maybe he’ll win a prize. Halfway through the day, James leaves Pump and saunters his way down to SUR like a guy who has seen Saturday Night Fever eight too many times. He’s got his headphones slung around his neck because apparently they get him laid and he walks into the restaurant and immediately sees the two girls he’s currently f*cking around with. He kisses them both hello and then Lala spots the welts running over the back of his arms and she asks him what they are. “Want me to be honest with you?” asks the prick. “I slammed someone else last night.” Seriously, do you have to be a total mother*cker to be cast on this show?
“Okay,” responds Lala – because she’s a Cool Girl and Cool Girls don’t get mad when the guy who has all but begged to be her new boyfriend enlightens her about last night’s slamming session. But then the façade fades and Lala admits she’s pissed off. And how does James react to hurting the feelings of someone he professes to really like? He tells her she’s beautiful and he’s pleased to have made her so jealous and she sends him away from her in a manner so benign that there’s not a chance in hell that it’ll take so let’s maybe wait before we collectively decide to nominate Lala for Woman of the Year.
(Lala’s in decent company though. I won’t win that award either.)
When Lisa and her wide-brimmed hat come to check out how it’s going at SUR, Jax makes sure to tell her that there’s a situation going on with Lala and James because Jax is a child who would totally steal your baseball cards and then deny doing so before taking his bat and his ball and running home. Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, Scheana meets up with Shay. He hasn’t had much to drink and they so clearly want his problem to be magically solved, but addiction doesn’t quite work that way. Being healthy is a choice – and that’s probably something Kristen’s therapist told her in a conversation about setting boundaries that I like to think went a little something like this:
Therapist: Last time we met we discussed some tips for how you can stop being such a pathetic masochist. Have you given any thought to not spending time in locations that are populated with the ex-boyfriends who hate you?
Kristen: It’s so f*cked up that they hate me. I didn’t do anything! I was perfect and they cheated on me and everybody has wronged me for my entire life and that pattern has nothing whatsoever to do with my behavior. It’s just bad luck that it keeps happening.
Therapist: Okay, but don’t you think it would be nice to go drink your six bottles of wine in a restaurant where you weren’t fired for telling the manager to go suck a d*ck?
Kristen: When will I get my certificate that says I’ve grown volumes?
Alas, Kristen doesn’t listen to her therapist (or her conscience) and she arrives at SUR and coos over the pink hats everyone is wearing. Then she tries to jump into the employee picture because the woman is f*cking crazy. Or maybe she’s the balanced one and I’m the one who’s crazy. Maybe it’s perfectly normal to get into a conversation with her ex’s roommate about who the guy she loved until yesterday slept with last night. Perhaps it’s a great idea to stand there while the guy with the hickeys comes over and flaunts them in her face. Maybe all of this needless exposure to pain makes her look strong – or again, maybe she’s just out of her f*cking mind.
Not looking all that strong is Lala. She’s upset that the tables have turned and she’s not the one calling the shots with James and she vents about her pain to the very girl who nibbled on James’ arm last night like he was one of those ears of corn that never sells at the farmer’s market because half of the kernels look brown and like they’re soft and stinky. This Lauren chick tells Lala that she doesn’t need to know who the guy slept with and she should just let it go and then they hug and profess their love to one another and my guess is that Lauren’s cheap veneers will fly across the restaurant by season’s end and I’d like to recommend that the moment be scored by the awesome song James and Lala wrote together.
Gay Pride was a financially-successful day for the servers at SUR and Scheana is ready to take her tips and her husband to yet another place that’s known for welcoming sober people: a strip club. But before any of that can happen, Kristen wanders over to Lala – because again, that’s a totally normal thing to do – and Kristen isn’t next to her for one iota of a second before asking her what’s going on with James. Sensing sadness in Lala’s eyes, Kristen’s face lights up like a moldy Christmas tree that’s been wrapped in bulbs that flicker on and off like the mind of a schizophrenic who is off his meds. There are problems here, Kristen sees. There is a misery that is not mine! Huzzah!
The minute James sees Kristen catting with Lala, he bolts over to berate Lala for being upset with him, all the while smiling smugly. His smile fades when Jax wanders over and that’s when James reveals that it was Lauren he was with last night, the very same girl who just hugged Lala and told her that she loved her. Lala’s face goes slack and Jax – because he’s emotionally fractured – makes gestures of joy across the parking lot because he knows this is his chance. Jax is the male version of Kristen; they both love watching anybody else experience pain and should a hermaphrodite version of the two ever spring forth, it will undoubtedly be that hermaphrodite that brings about the downfall of civilization.
Boiling mad over the possibility of losing the very worst catch in all of England and America combined, Lala confronts Lauren who walks away like a coward. But it turns out to be Lala who bites harder than all of them because she walks right up to Lauren’s bartender boyfriend and informs him that his girlfriend cheated on him last night with a hideous DJ. Lauren is not willing to discuss any of this on camera – a real no-no on a show where cameras follow you around while you serve sangria – so I’m thinking that Lauren might not be Vanderpump Rules’ next ingénue.
Thank goodness Jax is there to pick up the pieces of a girl’s shattered self-esteem! He’s the kind of guy who goes for women at the very second when they are at their most vulnerable and he’s so excited to have momentarily bested the lamest guy in LA and that he’s finally going to f*ck a girl he’s been interested in for an entire hour.
Next time, Jax tells Brittany that he wants to be with her for a very long time – until Lala makes a d*ck-sucking reference that leads him to question the advantages of monogamy. Oh, and James screams into Kristen’s face before spitting on her door because George Michael once taught him how important it is to make dramatic exits and watching all of this has made me feel rather dead inside too and I’m starting to wonder if maybe empathy is a condition that comes and goes.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.