And speaking of the best laid plans – starring two men I wouldn’t completely mind getting laid by – the Toms are strategizing about how to make themselves seem indispensible to Pandora and Jason and their line of sangria. After recognizing that even abs as impressive as theirs probably come with an expiration date, these guys want to put a new career into motion and secure a salary that’s a bit more reliable than the one that comes with modeling. Pandora, Lisa’s daughter, runs the sangria line with her husband and neither of them is eager to suffer fools or to waste their time so Sandoval and Schwartz meet up to rehearse what they are going to say during their second meeting with them. If I remember correctly (I tend to block a lot of this sh*t right out because I’m not a masochist in every area of my life), during the Toms’ introductory meeting with Pandora and Jason, their big selling point was that Sandoval is now enough of a star that he can waltz into a bar in his hometown of St. Louis and sell the sh*t out of their fruity beverage. Unfortunately for him – and quite fortunately for anyone within a thirty-mile radius of St. Louis – Pandora and Jason are thinking more about global success and, should the Toms get hired, they must expand the manner in which they constitute success. They need to stop thinking small. To that end, the guys sit on Schwartz’s couch with Katie and debate what they should say during their upcoming appointment. Sandoval’s suggestion is that Schwartz should maybe say a whole lot of nothing because of that whole flustered thing he’s got going on and the guy has a point because Schwartz – so adorable while silent – does seem to struggle with formulating full sentences sometimes. Also, if they’re up for taking some random advice, I’d like to suggest that Schwartz not wear the hideous shirt he’s rocking during this scene to the meeting. That thing is so blindingly busy that it could give someone a seizure if stared at it for too long and it’s holiday time and nobody wants that.
Still, I’d rather stare at Schwartz’s ugly shirt for a year straight than glance at Jax’s face for a straight minute. He appears in SUR and makes a beeline for Lala, the girl he claims he did nothing with after they left Gay Pride together with roughly a gallon of vodka sloshing through each of their stomachs. Now, it was left ambiguous about what happened and I like to wrap my stories up neatly so I will just toss out a guess that Jax couldn’t get it up and that’s why Lala does not need to worry about carrying around a tattooed demon spawn. (Okay, fine – there’s always the possibility that both Lala and Jax realized that they would only complicate things by hooking up, but I have a tough time giving either of these people credit for thinking a matter through, especially while they’re hammered.) As for James, he feels terribly about sleeping with Lauren, the other hostess. He also regrets all but waving that chick’s crotch in Lala’s face while a used condom still dangled from it. He’s been calling Lala nonstop and behaving like the saddest puppy in the land (who has the worst groomer on the planet) and it’s pretty obvious that Lala appreciates that she’s got the upper hand again with this f*cking doofus. But until she decides to allow him to spend time with her, she will do whatever it takes not to be lonely and that includes asking Jax out for drinks. Who cares that Brittany is coming back from Kentucky to be with Jax? It’s not like Lala wants to suck Jax’s d*ck or anything! She just wants him to be her friend because if several seasons of this show have taught us anything it’s that Jax Taylor is nothing if not an excellent friend to those around him. Sure, he might sleep with your girlfriend or tell vicious relationship-ruining lies about you or go running through a screen door until he needs stiches or shoplift sunglasses while you’re all on vacation because someone wasn’t paying enough attention to him for a second or two, but really, he is such a good friend and it’s so easy to see why Lala wants him in her life. And spending time with Jax has nothing to do with trying to grab herself more camera time, so stop saying such things! I tell you…cynics are crazy.
But here’s the thing: so far this episode we have seen the Toms brainstorm career goals, Lala refuse to speak with the guy who wronged her, and Jax coming (somewhat) clean about sort-of-kind-of having a girlfriend to whom he sort-of-kind-of wants to remain true. The changes I hoped for are actually panning out! These people are different! And f*ck you, pessimists, who say that only ten minutes of the show has aired thus far and that there’s still plenty of time for these people to revert back to preverbal barbarians! Have faith!
Then James’ mother walks into the frame and I stared at her for several long seconds, so curious about the woman who birthed the evil troll sitting before her. Here’s what I can say about James’ mother: she’s quite pretty and young and she’s going through a divorce from James’ dad and, for some odd reason, she adores her child. She tells James that she is so proud of him and he gazes at her doe-like while tears fall down his cheeks and he tells her how much he loves her. And just when I was beginning to get Carpal tunnel syndrome from gripping the sides of my couch because my prophecy about our Vanderpumpers morphing instantly into good people was coming true before my very eyes, James began to discuss how distraught he is over the dissolution of his parents’ marriage and that’s the reason he drinks like a fish who’s failed rehab twice and enjoys starting conflicts with everyone he’s ever met. Now listen – I get that people deal with stress and pain differently, but allow me to make a brief comparison here. My parents got divorced when I was five. I saw my father die. I once ate a handful of Sugar Free Haribo Gummy Bears when there wasn’t a toilet or a nearby hole in the ground. I too have been through some difficult moments; we have all been through some difficult moments. But let’s be honest and call bullsh*t when the twenty-something sitting before us claims he’s behaving like a curved c*ck because he’s sad that his parents are splitting up. I’m sure he is upset – divorce sucks. I’m also sure he acts like a f*cking monster because he exists and profits in a world that encourages him to think he’s famous. At any rate, he offers promises to his mother that he will be a better person from that day forward and I for one absolutely believe him but that’s only because I briefly swapped brains with a crazy person – and let me tell you, it’s way more fun having her brain.
James also tells his mother that Kristen all but wrecked him and then he informs us that nobody has ever hurt him the way that she did. I’m wondering if it was the fact that she was clearly still in love with her ex-boyfriend the entire time she dated James or if maybe she pissed on the toilet seat every morning. I don’t know what went down between these two and how it all turned so quickly from a cringe-worthy kind of love to venomous revulsion, but I do know that I hate myself for being even slightly curious about the facts here.
And then Christmas came early because the next scene is of Jax and Kristen meeting up to take boxing lessons so they can both get rid of their internal raging hatred and Jax wants us to know that he is so excited to be there, but it’s hard to tell because he just had Botox. I don’t even know exactly where to start. Should it be the spiky tingles of excitement that roared through me when I considered that there was an excellent chance that one or both of these people would be beaten to a pulp? Or should I focus on the fact that so far this season Jax has had a (third) nose job, Botox, and a clearly energetic session with the person who threads his eyebrows? As I’m just not sure, I will carry on and report the brilliance that transpired between the two worst people on any television show I have ever watched in my entire life.
“Jax and I have a very complicated, f*cked up friendship,” says Kristen – and she could probably be describing everyone she knows here. She then explains that, bonkers though it sounds, Jax is loyal and I need this girl’s address so I can overnight her a dictionary that has pictures in it. Before she can look up the word “homicidal,” she tells Jax that she has a date coming up with someone who has money (and hopefully an extra straight jacket) and that she also heard a rumor that Jax and Brittany broke up. What’s that you say? Kristen is bringing up rumors? That’s so unlike her – said the dominant personality careening through her skull. As for what the deal is with Jax and Brittany, it all seems up in the air for now and it’s hard to really care and anyway, it’s way more interesting to hear Kristen opine about James, “The-piece-of-sh*t-son-of-a-bitch-twenty-three-year-old-brat. Like, suck it,” which is a totally normal thing to say.
(Also, quick note to breeders, shelters, pet stores, and storks that bring puppies to the front door: do not give a dog to Kristen. I fear it’ll be boiled on a stove and left for Sandoval or James to find.)