Vanderpump Rules Recap – 12/28/15

Last week on this show, the guys fled to Vegas so they could drink until they turned sweaty and give each other lap dances while the girls slobbered all over one another to make their drunk and absent boyfriends jealous. After such a wide and public display of critical thinking, there’s a part of me that believes that none of them will be able to even form a single sentence tonight due to mental exhaustion, but it’s still holiday time and I’m feeling generous and I have hope – and my dog just woke up and laughed at me for typing that sentence.

We begin back in Vegas. It’s 11:00AM, Sandoval still has a beer in his hand, and Schwartz tattooed his pet name for Katie across his ass. Not to be outdone, Sandoval got a flaming “A” for Ariana inked across his right ass cheek and I have officially never been less attracted to two men before in my entire life. Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, the SUR staffers are doing God’s work by lighting candles and setting out forks. Over by the bar, Katie and Ariana chat about how the guys are headed back into town. They have no idea that the tushies of the men they love have been altered forever or that the guys are probably driving home while sitting on plush pillows to offer them some comfort, but there’s no time to think about any of that anyway. It’s way more pressing that Ariana – an actress who understands comedy – is going to be in a show where she reads passages from her old diaries and Sandoval is going to join her by reading some of his song lyrics. I have a few questions here:

1. Where is this event taking place?
2. Why has nobody procured me tickets for such a thing?
3. How many of Sandoval’s songs are about the way Kristen scares him out of his f*cking mind?
4. Is there any doubt Kristen listens to all of those songs on repeat because she believes that if he’s talking about her, that means he misses her?

On the drive back, Peter calls Lisa to tell her that they have hit some traffic but that they will be arriving at SUR soon for their shifts. Sure, they smell like tequila, perspiration, and Jax’s scrotum because he rubbed it all over each of them, but none of that is an actual health code violation so eat away, SUR diners! Upon arrival, Jax persuades the guys to show off their ass tats to their boss who marvels about their chronic stupidity and Schwartz begs Lisa to send Katie outside so he can see her for just a second and it’s kind of sweet but it’ll take me a good long time to get over the fact that the guy has “Bubba” etched permanently into his ass. Schwartz kisses his love hello, tells her that they were all very well behaved, and then pulls his pants down to show off his permanent adoration. Right about then is when Ariana and Sandoval come outside and it appears to be time for Sandoval’s unveiling of the single letter he had tattooed across his ass that was done in the kind of font only Tony the Tiger would have chosen while he was hammered. “Why did you ruin your ass like that?” asks Ariana – and it’s very possible that someone should get him a knit beanie and a stack of tissues but quick because Sandoval could very well burst into torrents of tears at any moment.

It’s a new day and asses are healing all over town. Meanwhile, the gang is all back at the restaurant (because that’s where the cameras are) and Jax’s hair is slicked back in a way that makes him look like a twelve year old who went as a pedophile for Halloween. He tells Scheana and Katie that he didn’t have sex in Vegas and he didn’t get a new tattoo and they wonder if Kentucky Brittany is the reason for what I shall hereby call Jax’s Renaissance in which he is reborn into a new man who doesn’t cheat and doesn’t even consider doing so. Brittany is moving to L.A. to be with the guy and he’s slowly coming to terms with the fact that he’s got himself a girlfriend and that, short of killing her, there might be no way out of having to share his futon with the same chick every night. But Jax is sort of okay with Brittany’s arrival because everyone he knows is coupled up – besides Kristen. Jax thinks Kristen is so great (because he’s an idiot) and he really wants to invite her along on the joint birthday venture he and Sandoval are throwing and what’s absolutely bonkers is that Katie and Scheana agree that Kristen should totally come! Why shouldn’t she be there? She’s so fun! Besides, she’s only tried to ruin some of their lives and she never fully committed to any of it. I mean, she never actually purchased the embalming supplies, right? Why should Sandoval’s troubled ex-girlfriend who has threatened physical violence against his new girlfriend not join the festivities?

Unaware that both his birthday and his girlfriend’s life will soon be threatened, Sandoval is preparing for the arrival of his mother. He and Ariana cleaned the house and she hid her bong and now they’re all going to SUR for a meal. Shay is joining them and Scheana is their waitress and Tom’s mom tells all kinds of stories about his past and how he was never shy. She seems like a cool lady, though I did giggle a little when Tom explains that his toughness comes from his mother because I have never once looked at the guy and had the word “tough” enter my mind. It’s right around then when Ariana brings up the tattoo. She f*cking hates it and she might hate Sandoval a little bit now too and I hate to be superficial and all, but the woman’s got a point.

Then Kristen appears, clobbering down the street in a tiny little dress or romper or whatever it is that will show off the thigh gap that comes from never eating and instead surviving on Merlot. (Note to self: buy more Merlot.) She arrives to meet Jax because she has decided that if anyone can teach her about how to date, it’s him. Please take a moment to laugh your own ass tattoos off or to throw something at the screen now that it’s clear that somebody so foolish walks amongst us. As you do that, I will beg my puppy to still love me after making her sit through this show. Anyway, Jax gives her some tips:

1. No guys in their twenties.
2. The guy needs to have a job.

There may very well have been another nugget of wisdom that fell from Jax’s lips about excelling in the world of dating, but Kristen interrupts to explain that she is looking for someone who has his sh*t together in much the same way that she has her sh*t so tidied up now. In fact, she would even like to have a conversation with Ariana! And of course she will stay calm during said conversation. When is she Kristen not calm? (Honestly, that any of this is said with a straight face makes me believe that Kristen is either the single finest actress to have ever lived or is the craziest loon on this sprawling continent.)

“I now realize that James was my rebound,” says the always-calm lunatic who definitely has her sh*t together and clearly knows herself so well. Instead of pointing at her and bursting into uncontrollable laughter that it took the woman over a year to admit that the twenty-year-old douchebag DJ wasn’t her truest love, Jax is just so grateful that someone else hates James too. These two together are the most terrifying duo I have seen onscreen since I watched Mickey and Mallory in Natural Born Killers and I have to say that, just like how it went in the movie, I don’t see this little Jax/Kristen partnership being all that beneficial to anybody.