There are just certain things one should never do:

1. Enter any supermarket or CVS the day after Halloween when all the candy is 50% off and the sugary portion of the brain gets stimulated simply by looking at all of the discounted Twix that line the shelves like a caramel-and-cookie-and-chocolate-coated dream. 2. Meet a blind date on a boat that takes you far out to sea when you’ve never been that good a screamer. 3. Try on a bikini in December unless you’re tan, drunk, or surrounded by blind people who have been drinking. 4. Go shopping for electronics on Black Friday without having first rubbed Vaseline across your entire body. The slippery nature of the stuff will help you to stop the person who is trying to club you over the head so she can snag that humongous TV from getting a good grip on your forearm. 5. Watch the reality show you’re tasked with recapping when you are in a very dark mood.

Yes, I’m coming off perhaps the bleakest week of … Continue reading →