In what I hope is an apartment way across town from Lala, Katie and Scheana stop by to see Kristen. They are attempting to repair friendships that were once shattered and they appear comforted by the fact that Kristen actually has a leather-bound book listing all the people she wants to punch in the face. (Whatever! Stop judging! I have a scented candle that smells like verbena! We all have random stuff in our homes!) Then The Talk happens yet again wherein they tackle the age-old question of why Kristen shouldn’t join the vacation that already includes the ex-boyfriend she might still pine for and his current paramour whom she has threatened to bludgeon with an ugly stiletto. Katie doesn’t seem to understand the anger Sandoval and Ariana have for Kristen – and I think this means that Katie’s got herself a rather faulty memory or an odd barometer that dictates that everyone should forgive someone as long as she has already chosen to forgive that person. As Katie lists all the things Kristen hasn’t done wrong, Kristen nods sagely, but I think she is just so glad that there is someone sitting beside her on the couch who isn’t shackled or imaginary.
While his soon-to-be fiancé is occupied with a lunatic, Schwartz decides to visit with Sandoval, his Proposal Accomplice. He arrives to talk over the game plan and to show him the outfit he plans on wearing when the moment finally goes down. Schwartz is doing some deep breathing to calm himself and Sandoval might as well whip out some pom-poms and start cheering about it all. They’re cute and supportive of one another and they rhapsodize about how they met on Craigslist and how exciting it is that they have the same initials and I could care less how blatantly homoerotic this entire scene is. I’d watch it again just to see that something pure exists in this cold world.
Back at SUR, James checks out the schedule and realizes that he’s been scheduled to work the entire time he was planning to invite himself to Hawaii. After all, he and Sandoval are buddies because nailing the same unstable girl brings upon an ironclad bond between two men. Lisa informs him that he probably doesn’t have to worry about scheduling coverage because he hasn’t been invited on that trip and she can’t for the life of her understand why he’d even want to go away with a guy he recently almost came to blows with next to her refrigerator. But dignity is not something James understands (and it’s probably not a word he can spell, though he might be able to use it in a sentence) so it doesn’t matter to him that certain people would rather travel to Hawaii with Lucifer than catch sight of him in baggage claim. James is f*cking going because Lala’s t*ts are not going to stare at themselves.
And with that bit of romance out of the way, it’s time for a birthday dinner that’s really just a front for the proposal to go down. I’m not sure why Schwartz is dropping to his knee in front of a table filled with people, but that’s a personal choice. He’s really nervous about getting it all right and I’m really nervous that the polka dots on Sandoval’s shirt might give me a seizure. Anyway, as Jax and Scheana banter about where Brittany will keep her stuff in his apartment, Schwartz begins to sweat buckets. His hair flops limply across his forehead and he makes some jokes about how he’s never going to get married and he is rejoicing about how Katie is getting quietly furious with him so his surprise will eventually floor her. Then he downs some drinks and looks like he’s going to projectile vomit all over his intended and, exactly at that moment, a guy across the room drops to one knee and begins to propose to his girlfriend. But it’s all a ruse, everybody! Schwartz walks over to the couple he obviously paid for this rather clever stunt and he takes the ring and brings it over to Katie and he gets down on his knee to propose while Scheana screams in the background. (God, I wish one of her songs was playing right now…) As for Katie, she loves the ring and she looks deliriously happy and she’s so frazzled that she forgets to say yes.
I’ve decided that I’m sending those two a waffle maker as an engagement present because waffles are yummy and I really hope they make it. And while we’re on the subject of hope and change, I also kind of hope that Brittany never unpacks any of her boxes because, while one guy in this group can maybe pull off a real change, I’m not sure they all can – and I’m pretty sure that Jax will always be in the remedial group anyway.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.