Vanderpump Rules Recap – 1/11/16

I almost gave Stassi some credit last year. It was probably some combination of the fact that the girl at least appeared lucid when compared to a shrieking human nightmare like Kristen and also because she so clearly wanted to move beyond these people and this show. Sure, I laughed uncontrollably as she continuously stated that SUR was like a time warp when she herself had yet to really move on, but I thought that maybe I saw some genuine ambition in her eyes. Even if her goal was just to appear on yet another reality show – I think this show is her third – at least she wanted a change and she recognized that many of her Vanderpump Rules castmates are far too thrilled with being considered amongst the most disgraceful individuals in the entire hemisphere.

I really didn’t expect Stassi to come back this season, even after I saw reports that she was unsuccessful in shopping her own reality show. I guess there’s just that foolish part of me that still believes there are other options out there for people that don’t involve signing a binding contract that requires they experience a break-up in high-definition. Silly me. Stassi will go where the cameras are and now I have to talk about her and her raging superiority complex when all I’d really hoped for was that she’d go slinking away into the night with her head held as high as her terrible jewelry would allow.

(By the way, the only reason I knew ahead of time that Stassi’s would be a topic on tonight’s show is because I always check that my DVR is set and I saw the brief synopsis of this week’s episode. See, I have a deadline I have to meet for Reality Steve’s site and I’d never miss a deadline like I did an entire semester of Evolution and Extinction class in college and nothing would probably compromise getting a piece in on time like missing the show entirely. And while we’re on the subject of Reality Steve, you guys should check out the major press he’s gotten lately in places like The New York Times and New York magazine because that sh*t is no joke.)

But before we can get to Stassi and the emotional breakdown she likely experienced that culminated in the snapping of Barbie doll heads and limbs into chunk-like pieces after she heard that Scheana was at the table the night Katie got engaged and she was not, first we have to deal with some other issues. After all, Katie and Schwartz are now officially engaged and Jax officially is stuck with a girlfriend and Kristen, Lala, and James are still officially hellacious. And now that we’re all up to speed, let’s begin.

Schwartz and Katie, still wrapped up in the fluffiest cloud that is their post-proposal glow, head out to have a romantic picnic that includes a blanket, some snacks they don’t eat, and a camera crew. After musing that she was too drunk last night to have sex with her new fiancé, Katie lets her intended know that she received a text from Stassi. Simply the sound of her name stuns Schwartz silent because Stassi can be terrifying to someone who hasn’t yet mastered the art of laughing in the face of a grown-up stunted in adolescence. Still, the text Stassi sent was sweet and full of both congratulations and some barely-contained longing to be a part of the whole thing, but one thing Schwartz knows is that his girlfriend’s life is far brighter without her former ruler hovering above her and all of her choices. Katie’s not sure if Stassi and her boyfriend are still together but one thing she is certain about is that, while the text was a lovely gesture, she has no desire to have Stassi back in her life. The thing is, Katie once said the very same thing about Kristen and now she’s the one advocating for her inclusion on the Hawaii trip so it’s kind of hard to know if this Stassi mindset will remain solid. I guess it really just depends on how drunk she ends up getting in the chick’s presence.

At SUR, Jax is ready to play Gatekeeper. It’s time for him to reveal who gets to come on the Jax/Sandoval vacation to Hawaii and he knows for damn sure that James is not going – which means that James should start packing now since nothing anybody declares on this show ever matters. But in lieu of Kristen being allowed to get on a flying tube with her ex-boyfriend and the girl she threatened to mangle for so many moons, Jax is extending an invitation to her for his birthday lunch because apparently SUR staffers have two things in common: none of them have any desire for even a semblance of privacy and all of them believe their birthdays should be made national holidays where mail service grinds to a halt and everyone in the vicinity must celebrate for a week straight.

One of the reasons I like Ariana – despite her palpable air of gloom – is that she laughs at Jax every single time he opens his mouth, like when he invited her to the “Asian-infused” meal for Part VII of his birthday extravaganza. She stops laughing, however, when he tells her that Kristen will be there and she also doesn’t understand or appreciate why her best friend Scheana wants her to forgive a person who has been seriously awful to her for a long f*cking time. As for Scheana, she’s sick of fighting with Ariana about something she considers so silly and I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Scheana is a sh*tty friend and Exhibit H is that she immediately shuffles out to the alleyway after her talk with Ariana to tell Katie exactly what went down between them. Scheana says that she and Ariana used to be so close but now Ariana seems to resent her for absolutely no reason and there’s so much tension there and I think Scheana is a legitimate moron to believe that having Kristen around (while Ariana is trapped on an island where there’s plenty of space to bury a body) will surely bring about the calmness Scheana so clearly wants for her dear friend.

Jax comes over to the bar next to steal a bottle of vodka right before Lisa appears to hang signs with Stassi’s face on them all over the restaurant. It seems the girl who boldly declared herself so over this place and these people has been showing up lately to the Time Warp Café and Lisa’s not having it. After all, Lisa explains that Stassi flounced out of the place and called Lisa an old woman and she was dismissive of all her friends and there’s unfinished business between them and the very last thing Stassi will be allowed is a free f*cking drink on SUR’s premises. As far as Lisa is concerned, the bitch can pay for a cocktail down the street.

And now it’s time for James. I missed him, you guys. From the second he’s onscreen tonight, he does not disappoint by appearing all but shirtless in the alleyway where he tells Max that he’s loving the vibe he’s creating by pressing play on a turntable inside. But what James really loves is the sound of the word “Hawaii” coming out of Max’s mouth because who cares that most people hate James and that not a single person has invited him on this tropical vacation? Nobody has ever liked James and now he’s a top DJ and the star of a very important television show! His face falls when Max tells him that Jax doesn’t want him there, but that’s not about to deter him! No, he will go and speak to Jax and nod at everything the guy says to him (which I guess means he’ll be nodding at the words, “You’re a f*cking loser and I hate you”) but nothing matters besides getting to go on vacation with people who loathe him. I guess it’s true: we all have dreams.

(Random thought #1: I think Lisa should consider locking Max away in one of her vault-like panic rooms until the kid learns how to choose better friends.)

Back inside, James approaches Jax and appears wholly pitiful as he sucks up to a guy he can’t stand. First he apologizes for fawning all over Lala and then he doesn’t head butt Jax when Jax states that if he “wanted to take Lala down,” he totally could (which is sad because it’s true) and finally he compliments Brittany and Jax’s amazing relationship and I am so embarrassed for this guy that I almost can’t breathe. James then literally begs him for a chance to fly to a state that I guess Jax was recently elected the emperor of (I swear, you miss one day of the news and you’re just lost about the new world leaders!) and Jax is such a weenie that he agrees that James should join them.

Over at Katie’s apartment, Kristen stops by to hug her and gape at the ring. Katie wants to forgive all the nonsense Kristen has pulled in the past and she thinks Kristen’s really been trying lately because the girl hasn’t threatened to slaughter or piss on anyone in the last month or so. She tells Kristen that Stassi texted her and Katie finds out that Kristen and Stassi are fully in touch now, which I guess means Stassi got over the fact that her former best friend slept with her boyfriend twice and then lied about it for well over a year and Kristen has gotten over the time Stassi slapped her across the face in public. See, all that really matters is the warm haze of memories and how awesome it was back in the day (before Jax got some random girl in Vegas pregnant and before he and Kristen f*cked on Sandoval’s couch and before Stassi proclaimed that every single person on the planet was beneath her) when they would all recline on Katie’s couch and talk about what Katie’s wedding would be like. Looks like all the violence and the cheating is now just water (clogged with hair and bloody tampons) floating under some bridge where scores of people commit suicide every year.

(Random thought #2: I’m pretty sure Katie is wearing a small hoop in her nose like she’s a ram, though it’s quite possible that I’m momentarily hallucinating. It’s been a long day.)