Vanderpump Rules Recap – 1/11/16

Back at the restaurant, Lisa arrives and James tells her that he’s going to Hawaii and the reason he wants to be there is because Lala is going and Lisa shouldn’t worry about Max because James will take care of him – which is the most terrifying promise ever made to a parent in the annals of history. “Don’t do anything stupid and permanent,” Lisa advises and I think she might be talking about a tattoo, but there’s something tragically ironic about the executive producer and star of a reality show telling her young costar not to do anything permanent that could harm him while cameras record every single moment for posterity and she is the woman who helped to make such a thing occur.

In a shop that sells teeny bikinis, Lala, Scheana and Faith rifle through racks and Lala and Faith maintain that they will not be staying in a room with the guys. Then again, Lala is a sucker for tattooed Polynesians, so this trip will be pure heaven for her. (Then she starts talking about herself in the third person and my head briefly exploded.) Inside the dressing room, Faith applies heart-shaped pasties to Lala’s nipples because Lala is basically extremely classy. She also lets it slip – by saying it outright – that James has a d*ck that cannot possibly fill up a Magnum condom and she has no idea how to stop flirting with Jax even though the guy has a live-in girlfriend. Speaking of that girlfriend, Brittany is packing for Hawaii while Jax takes a sh*t with the door open because real romance can never die. He also flat out lies to this girl by telling her that never in a million years would he have been the one to invite Lala to Hawaii and the ease with which this guy employs deception is really alarming. But Jax is not finished quite yet. First he has to make Brittany feel like she’s the crazy one for having suspicions that Jax wants to f*ck Lala when all he has done is state outright how badly he wants to f*ck Lala. “Are you going to make this awkward in Hawaii?” the crusty douchebag asks the southern girl with the very worst taste in men in the whole wide world and I have officially lost all hope for humanity’s future.

On the day of Jax’s birthday lunch, the group shows up to celebrate the day an assh*le was shot into the world. Then Ariana and Sandoval arrive and Kristen has decided that she is no longer even going to waste her breath on the girl who is so mean that she won’t even forgive her for plotting her death! Ariana is so unreasonable! What’s a lunatic to do in this situation other than announce that, since she’s not going to Hawaii, she has brought leis for her half of the table? (This girl needs to be committed but fast.) Scheana, who has a part-time job as the bearer of all gossip, lets everyone know that Max passed out yesterday and cracked all of his teeth and James came to the rescue by creating a bandage out of one of his low cut tank tops and he applied pressure to the wound by using his small penis to push the tank top against Max’s mouth until the bleeding stopped. The guy is truly a Renaissance man.

Wanting to see how Max is feeling, Faith, Lala, and James stop by his house. Lisa calls to express her worry over her kid’s mangled mouth while the housekeeper brings them tea and crumpets and James ponders how he can get his friend to heal quickly. Stop being silly; he doesn’t want Max to heal so the guy is no longer in agony. He needs Max to heal so he can get his ass on a plane and drag Faith away so Lala has nobody better to hang out with and James can pounce on the least discriminating girl on the island.
And even though she recently announced to the world that James’ penis would immediately fall out of a large rubber, that doesn’t stop her from skinny-dipping with him in her boss’ swimming pool in the middle of the day while she’s being filmed because, once again, Lala was raised beautifully and she always makes excellent choices.

At the birthday lunch I’d shoot myself if I had to attend, Sandoval gets up and walks away from the table and Kristen stares after him just like a girl with absolutely no feelings left for a guy tends to do. Sensing her chance to corner him, Kristen follows Sandoval and asks for his lighter and prays with every flick of her cigarette that he will take one look at her as she inhales and finally begin to love her again. Sandoval explains that it’s not weird that he doesn’t want her along on his vacation and that it would actually be inappropriate for her to be there because it will make both him and Ariana feel uncomfortable. But here’s the thing: after tarnishing every single relationship she has ever been even peripherally a part of (it was everybody else’s fault!), Kristen doesn’t want to be left out anymore and she tells him there will be gatherings in the future and that they need to learn to be around one another. See, all Kristen really cares about is how she doesn’t want the tension between them to ruin anything for Katie, the close friend who just started speaking full sentences to her again after a yearlong freeze. I’m guessing that Kristen doesn’t see how transparent she is, but it’s actually uncomfortable watching this level of pitifulness transpire and, sure, we all have weak moments but this girl has them onscreen – constantly. I think I might actually have to start praying for her. Excuse me for just one second…

(Dear Beelzebub,

Happy New Year! I hope it hasn’t been too warm lately in the confines of Hell since I read somewhere that you hate humidity. It might snow in New York soon!

Anyway, the reason I’m praying directly to you is because one of your followers needs some help. I know you’re busy and all dealing with checking in all the suicide bombers, but if you have a second, can you please encourage Kristen to take her medication and, if she has yet to be prescribed any, please procure some for her. Please keep her away from all sharp objects (pitchforks, axes, ice picks – you know, the usual) and refrain from allowing her to speak unless spoken to. Also, if you can whisk her suddenly into a padded room with constant surveillance, it might benefit both her and everybody trapped in her airspace.

Thanks so much.

-Nell

PS: When he finally makes his way down there, can you please ask Charles Manson if he’s as crazy as he seems or if he’s been acting crazy to snag almost fifty years of press? Feel free to email me his response.)

I’m sad to report that my prayer clearly didn’t work. Kristen ends the conversation with the guy she is still obsessed with by uttering the words, “I respect your feelings,” before sniping, “Good talk, buddy.” Then she stalks away like the very normal person she has always been.

Since birthday lunches are the best time for confrontations, Scheana and Katie ask Ariana to go to the bar with them. They want to talk about how confrontational Ariana has been lately whenever anyone suggests how awesome and reformed Kristen is when there is entirely no evidence of such a thing. Katie (wearing a scarf on her head that defies explanation because my mind does not like going to such ugly places and that hoop through her nose I apparently didn’t hallucinate earlier) tells Ariana that she doesn’t like when her integrity is questioned and I think this is probably the wrong outfit to wear when trying to be taken seriously. Scheana then tells Ariana that her family even reached out to her to find out what’s going on with their daughter because she’s been so difficult lately and I’m on Ariana’s side here. I have no idea why she has yet to cut these assh*les out of her life.

And now it’s time for Hawaii! James shows up in a tank top and paws Lala in line at security and now it’s a toss-up as to the most revolting thing I’ve seen all night. Was it the close-up of Max’s tooth shoved clear through his upper lip? Could it have been the look of very real confusion on Lala’s face when she was told that she shouldn’t wear pasties in public? Might it have been Jax literally being full of sh*t before he took that sh*t and simultaneously lied to his girlfriend? The competition is clearly far too steep for me to pick just one, but the horror might just be beginning because the episode ends with scenes highlighting the rest of the season. James and Jax will fight in Hawaii while sipping drinks out of coconuts and Katie will not appreciate how Lala takes her top off in front of her fiancé. That all goes down before Jax gets arrested for stealing a pair of sunglasses, Shay goes toppling off the wagon, James tells Kristen he’s still in love with her, Lala physically slams Kristen across the bar, and James declares himself “the white f*cking Kanye West” before Lisa tells him his ego is (needlessly) out of control and he better grow the f*ck up. Also, Schwartz will come down with a case of cold feet and Stassi will finally show up for real with way-too-blonde hair and such a need to be back on this show that she’s willing to cry on Katie’s sofa and flirt with Jax.

Welcome back to the asylum, princess. Drop the remnants of your pretend dignity at the door. Don’t worry – you won’t miss it. In fact, you probably won’t even realize it’s gone.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.