Back in LA, Lisa is concerned that her son is cavorting with morons in Hawaii after knocking half his teeth out. Speaking of morons, back in the land of joy, James dons yet another tank top while it’s confirmed that Schwartz and Katie have still not had sex. Then they hear a knock on the door and flowers are delivered courtesy of Lisa. They call her to say thank you – and a camera just so happens to be in her car at that very second to capture her side of the conversation, but that was just pure luck and not at all planned and stop insisting that everything that goes down on this show might not be organic! Anyway, Lisa asks how Max is doing and requests that these two (the relatively sane ones) keep an eye on him.
Downstairs in the gym, Jax reiterates to Brittany that he allowed Lala to do things like unabashedly flirt with him and kiss him on the neck and maybe give him a little tug because he wasn’t sure how to stop her very unwanted attention. Brittany’s not having it. She’s furious, but she’s also pretty f*cking dumb because she believes a guy who currently has the names of about eighteen girls tattooed on his bicep – and I’m pretty sure that her name isn’t one of them. Brittany’s made an important decision: she is going to confront Lala and that means I’m going to go make some popcorn because I like to snack while I watch people needlessly destroy one another.
The day’s excursions are underway and over at Adventurer’s Cove, Lala reveals to us her rather esoteric life’s philosophy: “Let the t*tties hang out.” This chick is deep. And who cares if she just recently met these people? Who cares if she’s surrounded by guys who have girlfriends who probably don’t appreciate them gawking at silicone? Who cares that the girl is patently unable to read the climate of whatever space she enters and then weeps later about how she never fits in? Her t*tties need to breathe, people! Stop being such Puritanical bores.
Looking to enjoy a little quiet time, Scheana and Shay head to the beach where Scheana has smuggled booze because nothing is better for your struggling-with-substances husband than some covert day drinking. Katie joins them and they down tequila from inside of suntan lotion bottles like that’s a completely normal thing to do. After some Coppertone-flavored shots, Scheana tells Katie that Ariana isn’t her best friend anymore. Katie is her new BFF and I think Katie might need to jump into that ocean and let the riptides carry her wherever they may because being anywhere but next to Scheana is probably a really excellent idea.
Another excellent idea comes from Brittany who corners Lala in the jungle to discuss the lack of respect Lala has for Brittany’s relationship. “So, what the f*ck is going on?” she shoots out and Lala responds with both an apology and a reveal: she had no idea Brittany and Jax were together because Jax told her otherwise, a charge the guy refutes right to Lala’s face even as we get a flashback that provides indisputable proof that he’s such a liar that his speedo is about to experience a massive inferno. Ah, Lala realizes. Jax doesn’t always tell the truth! Excellent use of deductive reasoning, professor.
Away from everyone who hates him, James hangs out with Max at the pool and tells him that his goal is to get Lala in bed that night. Speaking of the object of his very romantic mind, Lala and Faith wander over and she tells the guys about how Brittany confronted her. She let it all slide before, she says, but she’s done doing that and shit will go down later on. Upon hearing that Jax’s world might explode before his eyes, James smiles widely. Who else thinks this guy looks more and more like a poorly drawn cartoon villain every day?
Back in Katie’s room, she hears that Lala waltzed around topless in front of her fiancé. But before they can fight about Lala’s nips, they decide to fight over whether or not Scheana crossed a line by texting her sentiments about Sandoval to Ariana’s mother. Schwartz insists Scheana had a lot of nerve while Katie stands up for her new best friend because Scheana promised her they could get matching silver necklaces so everyone would know just how close they are and Katie’s not about to blow getting her half of the “Best Friend” charm.
Evening dawns and the gang heads out to dinner where they continue to drink, resentment flowing quicker than the vodka, fury stinging each of them more than the mosquitos. As the first drink races into her bloodstream, Katie decides to let Lala know just how inappropriate it was that she was topless in front of Schwartz. Lala is nonplussed. As she so eloquently phrases it, “It’s not like I was showing my p*ssy to everybody.” Ladies and gentlemen, Lala.
And now it’s time to take a poll: who at the table has had sex so far? Katie and Schwartz are a negative because apparently she wants her hymen to be her “something new” for her wedding day. Scheana and Shay have had sex and Jax and Brittany have not. Listening from the other side of the table where she has declared it time to free the nipple, Lala decides that the time has also come for sweet Brittany to know the truth about the assh*le she’s dating. She pulls Brittany away and tells her that Jax was totally complicit in the flirting between the two of them and that he also whispered that he was going to f*ck her. Brittany – oh, Brittany – is stunned to hear such a thing about a man who has been lying on television for years now, but she quickly comes to her idiotic senses and manages to place whatever blame she can grab directly straight onto Lala’s shoulders instead of going back to the table and stabbing Jax with a fork.
Brittany does want some answers, though. She pulls Jax away and he makes that kind of automatic grunting sound certain guys make because they harbor the belief that any time a woman discusses the feelings they had a part in creating, it’s gotta be because she’s a crazy person. Feelings are so meaningless, you know? Brittany wants to know if Jax indeed told Lala that he was going to f*ck her – and Jax completely denies it. “Why would she say that then?” asks Briefly Starting To Grow Balls Brittany. She calls Lala over for some clarification and, even with Lala right there, this pig denies everything.
And now it’s time to play Is Jax a Sociopath? Yes, it’s a joyful little game whereupon we can match the qualities traditionally associated with a sociopath to this sweaty piece of dogsh*t! Now, according to some research I’ve done, sociopaths tend to have (and celebrate) the following personal attributes: they completely lack empathy; their actions are cold and calculating; they can spell “narcissism” more easily than they can their own names; you can’t even attempt to wade toenail-deep into their shallow waters; and they have an image completely dictated by grandiosity. Sure, I’ve come close to failing every science course I’ve ever taken, but I think I just successfully diagnosed Jax. (My pride is somewhat tempered by the fact that he’s simply not at all complicated and is just damaged and mildly damaging.) Still, having made this diagnosis has left me with a high and I think that perhaps I should quit writing tomorrow and instead join Kristen in medical school where we can be lab partners and I can maybe set her on fire with a Bunsen burner to put her out of her misery.
And on the street and away from Jax and his lies and Brittany who believes those lies, Lala cries. She is wearing a backwards baseball cap – though that’s not why she’s crying. No, it’s that she can’t even believe that Jax is such a liar and that everybody else is so judgmental and she is shocked that joining this reality show didn’t immediately lead to a life of total bliss and acceptance.
Her nipples can’t believe it either.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.