After her friends who used to hate her leave, we return to Kristen’s apartment where her squatter is chilling on the couch. Stassi arrives with some wine because, again, none of these people can ever be sober for ten straight minutes because it hurts too much. Momentary sobriety probably won’t hurt nearly as much as the combination of antibiotics and wine rushing through her system, but I guess it’s nothing compared to the pain of a breakup. Yup, Stassi and her boyfriend broke up and she’s devastated because he was a good guy and she wasn’t able to make it work.
Also: Jax is a kleptomaniac.
Also: One of the things he stole in the past was a pair of women’s stockings.
Back in Hooters, it comes out that Kevin – he who is smitten with the lovely and sane Kristen – has himself a girlfriend. What is wrong with these guys? Do they not understand their televised actions might out them?
Also: One compliment will cause Kristen’s thong to drop to her ankles instantaneously.
As for Stassi, she’s such a complete mess that she’s considering moving in with Kristen and the two of them get into bed to cuddle and I’ve maybe never been more concerned about someone I’ve never met in my entire life.
I don’t care about Jax, though. I don’t care that he must go face his boss and explain why he randomly committed a felony and I don’t care if his relationship with a Hooters girl comes to a screeching halt. Still, it might be kind of fun to watch Lisa Vanderpump scream at this guy for being an alcoholic-kleptomaniac-egocentric-soul-damaging assh*le, so I settled in for their confrontation, the one that caused him to sweat all over the white couch in the home where I hope she hid her stockings. “I’m not a bad person,” the sh*tty person explains to Lisa before telling her that SUR is his home and he will pray (because Jax is very religious ever since his stint in prison) that he will get to stay there. Lisa throws him on probation and I’d cheer her business acumen if only she’d decapitated him as well.
Also: It’s always nice to see Ariana smile about anything because girlfriend is as frosty as they come, but I really hate it when someone says something like, “Tom and I’s relationship,” because that expression is correct in no language.
Having his testicles handed to him by Lisa, there’s really nothing else for Jax to do now but go out and celebrate. (What’s that? Maybe the guy should be in a dark room somewhere digging through his moldy repressed memories in order to determine why he’s such a disgrace as an adult? Yes, I suppose that would also be a good idea.) Anyway, Jax and his beloved decide to meet up with Kristen because, like everyone else, he feels better about himself when he sits across from her. The guy Kristen is growing to hate might show up later. They toast to Jax’s suspension because this guy is so senseless that he’s choosing to look at his suspension as an excuse to be on vacation – which means it’s a good thing he now has sunglasses. And how does he begin his faux-cation? By telling Kristen that Kevin has a girlfriend and the guy shows up and Kristen sees her opportunity to finally get him off of her sofa for good. She doesn’t mind losing this one in the least! Now she will have more time to stalk her ex-boyfriends while telling herself in a mirror, “I’m 5’9″ and f*cking beautiful,” because Kristen’s Contrition Tour (there’s still a ton of seats available) will just be hours and hours of her repeating positive affirmations to herself.
It’s a very good thing that Stassi, Kristen’s newest roommate, has begun apartment hunting because sometimes Stassi’s in the way when Kristen wants to talk to the pretty girl who looks like her in the mirror. The apartment Stassi found is pretty but it’s small and there’s no place to put her shoes and you can tell she’s taking all of this seriously because she’s dressed like a librarian. She also decides that she needs to go see Lisa about everything that happened with her sex tape – the one that wasn’t even a sex tape, but was footage of Stassi masturbating, though she’s kind of too much of a child to say that word so she says she was “m-ing,” which actually makes whatever she was actually doing sound way dirtier. It seems the guy who had the tape was trying to extort her for $900 and Lisa paid him off, making Lisa the best boss in the universe and this guy the sh*ttiest extortionist who ever lived.
Also: Schwartz and Katie still haven’t had sex.
But before Stassi can go grovel to Lisa, first it’s time to celebrate! It’s Scheana and Shay’s first anniversary and they go out to a lovely dinner where she reads to her addicted husband the list of all the cocktails she wants them to imbibe. And sure, the guy might have a real substance problem, but this is a special day! It’s their anniversary! He can attempt to fix the misery that is his life tomorrow! After all, isn’t the 13th step of Alcoholics Anonymous that one should have a gimlet on any and all anniversaries?
Also: James is a model.
And now it’s time for Stassi to show up at SUR and have an impromptu conversation with Lisa that she’s totally planned out in her head. (I know we’re asked to believe that Lisa has no idea Stassi is coming by, but I refuse to believe that the Executive Producer of this show doesn’t know everything that’s going down and didn’t actually help execute this little meeting.) At any rate, why such a talk needs to happen on camera is sort of beyond me if it’s in fact a real apology, but Lisa tells her to sit and asks her where she would like to start before railing into her for f*cking up a relationship with a boss who genuinely had her back. Lisa’s voice is level as could be while Stassi’s trembles like she’s falling down a rugged mountain. She tries to pay Lisa back the $900 and Lisa all but laughs at her. Not enjoying herself in the slightest as she sits before someone who no longer sees her as charming in the least, Stassi finally gets up to leave and she tells Lisa she’s leaving because Lisa so clearly hates her. “You’re not important enough for me to hate. Sit down,” replies Queen Vanderpump, a woman who will never need to schedule a contrition tour of her own because, even though she’s chosen to be affiliated with such sh*theads, she is now – and will forever be – just so f*cking fabulous.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.