At SUR, Katie approaches James and Faith to let them know that they’re not puckered or pouty enough to come to her party and they both just sort of nod and shrug. But Lala has also conveniently been left off the guest list and she wants to be sure her lack of invitation doesn’t mean that Katie doesn’t like her. Of course Katie likes Lala! She just knows that drama and misery and yelling tend to follow her like drunken sheep and she doesn’t want that energy on her big night! Lala appears really impacted at being left out and we find that her fears all stem back to a pivotal moment she experienced in elementary school when she was banished to a curb during a birthday party and the incident has scarred her soul and informed her entire life, much like how the death of my father impacted mine. Now look: I’m not about measuring or weighing pain and I made that comparison obviously as a perverse joke, but I do think maybe it’s time to try to move beyond the hurt you experienced in the third f*cking grade or at least stop using it as an excuse while you undress on camera and cavort with a slimy English moron every time you get lonely.
Experiencing his pain as an adult is Jax, who is spending a leisurely unemployed afternoon reclining on his front stoop with Brittany. He hasn’t heard much from his lawyers recently about the pesky felony charge that’s looming, but he’s hoping for just a slap on the wrist because that’s what he always gets. In the meantime, Brittany will continue to support him through her job at Hooters and if I haven’t recently stated that she’s the luckiest girl in the world it’s because I’m starting to feel badly about mocking someone who is obviously just really stupid.
And now it’s time to spend some time with Kristen! She’s hanging out with a guy named Aleks, someone she describes as “a man” who “has his sh*t together” and now I’m confused about why he’s sitting next to her. The two guzzle drinks like they’re alcoholics and Kristen volunteers to sleep on his couch before the appetizers even arrive because she is a woman who has not been alone for a straight minute and a half since she was fifteen years old and she’d like to secure the notion that solitude will never even be an option for her.
Away from Kristen and tucked inside of SUR, Lisa tells Katie that Stassi came by but Katie proclaims that she is done with Stassi. She has moved on and she is stronger and happier without her former best friend anywhere near her and had I not recently seen a picture of them online where they were smiling gummily together at Sundance, I’d applaud Katie for her staunch convictions about friendship.
Back in the kitchen, Lala confronts James about all of his texts and she tells him that it’s not okay for him to speak to her the way he does – and the next time he does it, she will remind him once again that he can’t speak to her that way. James’ response is that what’s less okay than sending her those texts is that she “tossed some guy’s salad” and then had him in her bed the next day. Lala doesn’t understand this guy’s anger! Doesn’t James remember the agreement they signed into law at their photo shoot, the one that stated that they are friends who make out and that’s it and feelings are not allowed to get hurt? Were those boundaries really not clear? In any case, what’s a certainty is that Lala knows that James is a total douchebag – and I’m sure she’ll let him writhe around on top of her later in the week.
The preparations for the Pucker & Pout launch are going great, especially because Stassi won’t be there. The banned one has been looking for apartments so she can finally get away from Kristen and have a shot in hell at ending up sane. Until she packs up her stuff though, Stassi gets to listen to the text James sent Kristen recently at 4:07 AM that she got because she unblocked his number. (See, her therapist told her that she should ignore the negative triggers in her life but Kristen heard her wrong because she wasn’t listening.) As for the text, James wants to know why she doesn’t still love him and maybe the only one more miserable than James is Stassi because she hasn’t been invited to celebrate the latest milestone in Katie’s life. But Stassi has a plan! To get through to Katie, she will reach out to Schwartz! Kristen supports that idea, which means that Stassi should go bounce it off sixteen other people to attempt to get a Normal Person reaction.
Meanwhile, the man who has decided that Kristen is not a c*nt and might actually be the one is James. He informs Max that he misses Kristen and she took such good care of him and he hasn’t met anyone like her, which means we can all let out a great big sigh that there aren’t two of her. James wants to try to make it work with her and you know what? Those two belong together – and they should go live together forever in the next subterranean biosphere so their craniums can grow. But until their underground home is ready for their cohabitational bliss, James will accost Kristen at Katie’s launch party, otherwise known as the party to which he expressly wasn’t invited.
Katie’s party is up and running. It’s an interactive experience, you see. You can get your hair braided or your eyebrows threaded or you can avoid a twerpy Englishman who sneaks upon the premises! There’s some press at the event and Lisa and Ken stop by to show their support. Walking in, the first thing they actually see is Kristen’s ass, as her romper was made for a kindergarten student and therefore doesn’t cover her body. There are way bigger things to focus on besides a bare ass, however. Let’s focus on James! The guy is finally covered up – but he’s traded in the ugly tank top for an even more tragic hoodie that he insists on wearing with the hood up – and he rubs his hand under his nose, but I’m sure he just had an itch and that’s all it was and how dare you for thinking that his nostril play could be about anything else? He’s defiant about showing up somewhere he wasn’t wanted and really, why shouldn’t he be? Pulling this little stunt will get him immediately signed on for next season and what that means is that we’re getting farther and farther away from the likelihood of deportation and that makes me feel very sad inside.
Since he looks so awesome and sober in his hoodie, James approaches Kristen and Aleks and he asks to speak with her and she has never felt more desired in her entire life. If only Sandoval was watching! She gets to tongue a new guy (who I’m taking out insurance for, that’s how worried I am about him) and she gets to repeat her favorite quotation (“Suck a d*ck,” which I’m not sure is one that Plato ever said) and then she gets to go outside with the loser who crashed a party while wasted because he has just decided that he still loves her and that’s why he spit on her front door that one time. In thirty seconds flat, the two are screaming at one another and James tells her to shut up and that he’s a man and that she has f*cked up more than anyone else ever has (in civilization?) and I’m not sure he thought this reconciliation through because it didn’t really end up very well.
With everybody she knows happily attending Katie’s party, Stassi is feeling rather alone. She texts Schwartz and asks to see him and he and Sandoval discuss how everything Stassi does is about Stassi and that she’s the most selfish person they know. The way the others speak of her makes her sound like absolute poison, but she correctly reached out to the right person because Schwartz is probably the only one who won’t be brave enough to tell her to just f*ck off. Knowing he’s heading into the lair of the devil, Katie just wants to be sure that he won’t mess up her message, which is that Stassi is dead to her.
Stassi gets dressed up to go meet Schwartz. She’s dying to be friends with any of them again so she can stop waking up with the knowledge that she lives in Kristen’s apartment. Schwartz sits down and smiles wanly at her and then launches into his eloquently stated attack. He tells her that she is venomous and that quality used to be kind of endearing but then it became completely lacking in charm. He told her that she behaved smugly and that she left Katie behind in a manner rife with brazen cruelty. He asserted that her ego overinflated and she’s the cause of all of her own suffering and, oh my God, Schwartz comes out f*cking swinging and I don’t care anymore if he’s been practicing celibacy lately for no good reason at all. I want to jump on top of that guy because he’s finally showing that he’s tough and he’s never been yummier to me. As for Stassi, she’s gobsmacked that the guy she thought she could walk all over is letting her hear the stone cold truth. She gets emotional, especially when Schwartz tells her that Katie is not being strategic in keeping Stassi out of her life. No, he says, it’s more like indifference – and hearing that she just doesn’t matter in the slightest hits Stassi hard and her sadness looks genuine, but this is what happens when you cut someone out of your life. After a while, that person just stops missing you.
I’m sorry, Plato. I really tried to be compassionate and empathetic. I tried to remember that the battles we all face are often dictated by the pain of the past. But before you judge me, watch just one episode of this f*cking show and remember that you also once said this: People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die.
The guy’s got a point.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.