On a new and sweltering day, Katie and Scheana arrive at Lisa’s home to set up for the party. They need to borrow some of Lisa’s umbrellas to shade the guests from the scorching sun, but I think we can already see that sunburn will be the least of anyone’s problems. For one thing, the engagement party is an all day and all night event. After Lisa’s house, they’re all going to go to SUR for the afterparty where Sandoval’s band will perform! Meanwhile, Ariana is getting ready to cut this new version of Scheana out of her life and Kristen and Stassi are decking themselves out so they can arrive at a party they were expressly told to stay away from, an act that doesn’t alarm Kristen in the least because she’s never invited anywhere. Does she have some feelings of insecurity about such a thing? Has she considered maybe modifying her psychopathic behavior to uncover the reasons as to why she’s never welcome anywhere anymore? Is she perhaps contemplating what it means that her dear friend Katie was far more concerned with snagging a gorgeous location for her party than she was at making sure Kristen would be there with her? Are you f*cking kidding? Of course Kristen doesn’t think about any of that because it turns out that total and willful blindness are the newest offshoots of intense therapy.
A far more normal homosapien, Stassi is a bit nervous for the party. She knows she’s not invited and she realizes that Jax is going to be there. Such factors are anxiety-inducing, so she takes her mind off what’s real by asking Kristen all about the total fiction that is her life. The new crazy that’s ruling Kristen’s days is that James has been texting her, pleading for the two of them to get back together. It seems Kristen, who is terrified of being alone, might be willing to give the guy one more chance. If anyone’s keeping track, this will be chance #153 for James. I hope he makes it count, but then again, he might as well just tell her to go f*ck herself because chance #154 will be just around the corner.
Over at Lisa’s house, the families have started arriving. There are hugs and good wishes all around, but it looks like the idyllic portion of the day will end as quickly as it begins because here comes Lala. She’s clad in a lace dress with a plunging neckline and she’s stuffed full of mimosas that she drank to calm her nerves. Here’s an idea: if the prospect of a party makes you so queasy that you need to mainline booze, stay the f*ck home.
Ponies are grazing the grounds blissfully in the distance as Lisa chats charmingly with Schwartz’s parents, but the peace fizzles in an instant when Kristen and Stassi step onto the premises. Everyone stops what he or she is doing to gape at the people who are showing up brazenly without an invite and Jax takes one look at his former girlfriend and busts out that she looks amazing. I suppose her presence doesn’t make him feel like he’s been imprisoned for centuries.
Katie greets them both warmly as Lisa stares at them like they’re the stinkiest layer of pond scum that has ever floated to any surface and tells them that the afternoon had been lovely thus far and they’d better not f*ck it up. (For the record, Lisa is not even a factor in my slasher fantasy. No doubt she’s got herself a trusty panic room somewhere in the vicinity that’s more luxurious than any home most of us will ever so much as enter and she will usher in her puppies and her ponies and her adoring husband and survive the entire thing. Then she’ll call in her housekeeper to remove the bloodstains from her lawn before forgetting anything sinister ever occurred.)
Continuing her I’m Nice Now tour, Stassi calls Brittany over to tell her how lovely she appears to be while James corners Lisa before she can run fleeing from the guy. He plucks from his pocket the Pump CD to show her that his first step on his woefully misguided road to superstardom is complete. Not only that! He and Kristen are doing better and his attitude has changed and he’s blissfully happy and ready to be a productive member of society! Lisa smiles warily and cautions him to stay sober and he moves away from the normal one and towards his one true love. He greets Kristen with several kisses and tells her she looks like an angel. Oh, but Lala – she of the mimosas – is none too thrilled to see this loving display before her. She hates everything about Kristen, from her outfit to her hair to her shoes to her f*cking insides, and my friends? I think the carnage is almost upon us.
Now it’s time for Lisa to make a toast to Katie and Schwartz and it’s quick and lovely. Unfortunately, she then asks if anyone else would maybe like to say a little something to honor the couple and the angel herself raises her hand high into the air. Yes, Kristen has something to say. This woman has no f*cking shame – to say nothing about owning even a smidgen of self-awareness – and it’s frankly getting uncomfortable to watch. Sensing the insanity that’s coming, Lisa attempts to shut the crazy person down, but see, Kristen is no longer human so she can’t understand those signs. She pushes her way to the front of the crowd, dragging Stassi behind her. To her absolute credit, Stassi appears to want to burrow her way into the lawn like the gopher in Caddyshack to escape this embarrassing and totally avoidable moment, but Kristen forges forward. “Hi, guys!” she trills stupidly. Then she launches into the story about how Schwartz came to know Katie because it’s a story that involves her so she believes it’s worth recounting. Plus, it’s a story that requires that she say Sandoval’s name six hundred times and she feels just a little bit more alive every time it pops out of her mouth. She rambles on and on and the whole thing sucks, but that doesn’t mean that Lala, who looks like a genie who got stuck in the bottom of a bottle with a bunch of backwash and cigarette butts, should belt out, “Can you wrap it up? What the f*ck are you talking about?” Katie jumps in to defend her rambling uninvited friend and part one of the worst party ever comes to an end.
Oh, but like any good slasher film, there’s a sequel! Part two of the party is happening at SUR and Scheana wastes little time in sitting Ariana down and asking whether she even wants to be friends anymore. Ariana’s just not sure. She’s sick of Scheana choosing her need to be liked by assh*les over her need to be a loyal friend. The truth obviously stings. Scheana’s eyes grow misty with tears. I don’t blame her. I’d cry if I lost a real friend in exchange for Kristen, too. Hell, I’d cry if I lived in the same time zone as Kristen! That said, Ariana and Scheana seem to care about one another and it’s looking like their friendship can maybe be salvaged.
But just because one positive thing transpires does not mean the entire evening won’t devolve into utter f*cking misery the second Kristen watches James and Lala lick one another from across the room. She, of course, runs directly towards the problem instead of backing away forever and next thing anyone knows, two moronic girls are fighting over their right to adore an imbecile. Having had quite enough of her face and her outfit and her hair, Lala can no longer contain herself and she violently shoves Kristen hard. While I do not condone real life violence, I’d watch that moment again in slow motion if I could just figure out which button to press on my remote to make it happen. Can I make it my screensaver?
Does this incident cause Kristen to leave the party? Again, are you f*cking kidding me? Instead, the girl lights a cigarette with a citronella candle and muses that it’s a good thing Lala has caught her at her most Zen while Lala – also a pinnacle of Zen-filled class – informs Stassi that she will never apologize for her minor assault against Kristen and if Stassi doesn’t like it, she can f*cking blow her. Again: Stassi, what in the hell are you doing, sweetheart? Get as far as you can away from these monsters. Run until you can’t even smell them anymore. At the very least, it’ll make for some good cardio.
Into this mess comes some talent because now it’s time for Sandoval to perform his new song and you know the guy is serious because he brought along a fog machine. How is the song? Well, let’s just say that I no longer have any doubt that Sandoval will not survive the horror movie, but I think the world will survive without his talent.
And in another corner of the room, James has unbuttoned his shirt down to his waist because that’s a great look on any man, especially a scrawny pipsqueak like himself. He’s draped all over Ken, who appears to want to chew his own arm off to get away, while slurring genius sentences like, “Why does everyone think I’m drunk?” Then he catalogues exactly how many joints he smoked prior to the party and explains that his head feels like a spaceship as those around him tell him to his face that he sounds like a fool. It’s then that James lashes out at some girl and that’s when Jax decides that he’s had just about enough of the guy he’s been weirdly jealous of all season long. “You can’t talk to women like that,” blubbers the worst misogynist this series has ever seen and he confronts James who is ready for a fight. The sweat is flying and the anger is bubbling and there’s a chance that all of these people might off one another before Freddy Kruger even shows up.
James finally stumbles away with Lala. Yes, the fun bitch from earlier in the season has turned into the basic girl she never wanted to be and the prize for becoming the very worst version of herself is an English douchebag. Meanwhile, somewhat randomly, Lisa sits down with Jax and tells him that he and Stassi were so perfectly suited for one another. Since it appears to me – a mere viewer – that all those two ever had in common was the desire to be on television without ever having to develop a talent, I’m not quite sure what Lisa means, but upon hearing her name, Jax melts a little. Then he goes to sit beside his ex-girlfriend and the two have an awkward little chat about the good old days before he cheated on her and got someone else pregnant. He tells her that he will always be there for her. She reiterates that the two of them started this group, which I’m not so sure she wants to take credit for, but whatever. They rehash a bit of the pain they caused one another and then the synapses in both of their brains fizzle and fry and Jax suddenly asks her flat out why she’s back in the SUR universe. His theory? Her boyfriend ditched her and she needed to reclaim everything she once spit upon. Jax, my friend? That’s the first time you’ve ever been correct about anything.
After Jax leaves to go back to his prison cell with Brittany, Stassi sits down with Katie, who informs her that she’s willing to be friends again but she’s not ready to be as close as they once were. Then Katie leaves the party with her fiancé so they can go home and eat pizza while wearing their chastity belts.
Lisa is the one who gets to sum up the season for us. As she explains in her dulcet tones, some of her staff has learned some hard lessons over the last few months and some of them will never learn a f*cking thing. Then she and Ken and Giggy get the hell out of there because she can hear the sound of the chainsaws firing up in the distance and she knows full well that sound is not just the wind.
God, I hope the noise is coming from James’ place.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.