Now it’s time to talk to Lala! How did she come to work at the world’s most dysfunctional restaurant? How I’d love it if she answered, “I met with a casting agent and told her I’d disrobe at least once per episode!” but unfortunately Lala does not say that. No, she claims that she snagged the job through a friend in an action that is either fortuitous or the very worst mistake she’ll ever make in her life – and this is a girl who has chosen to fondle James’ d*ck. As for her relationships with the others, they’re not nearly as perfect as the ones she’s had with the countless rich gentlemen who have flown her to faraway places because she’s just so entertaining and winsome to be around. But get your minds out of the gutter, people – and while you’re down there, please grab my mind as well – because Lala claims she’s never slept with a single one of those men. Who here believes her? Those with their hands raised: do you believe in unicorns as well?
The moment Jax is asked about his attraction to Lala, the guy looks petrified and it’s sort of fun to see. He kind of shrugs it off by maintaining that she just seemed fun and their interactions were only mildly flirtatious, but at least he has the decency to look embarrassed when it’s brought up that he lied to Lala about having a girlfriend. He probably shouldn’t worry; if Brittany hasn’t ditched him yet, I’m guessing she’s here to stay. She is, after all, the single luckiest girl on the planet – as long as it’s a planet that has long been destroyed by an asteroid that looks like a hybrid of Trump’s hair and James’ chin had a baby and then hurtled towards Earth to kill us all.
Shay shows up next so Andy can ask him about his addiction issues. This is serious stuff and addiction is a disease and listening to these peoples’ pain is upsetting. I do get why Scheana wanted their friends around when she confronted him about his problems so she could have some moral support and so they could help her keep her emotions in check. What I will never understand is how either of them decided it would be a good idea to have that discussion with cameras in their living room. Please don’t attempt to tell me it was all done that way to maybe help others out there struggling with addiction because I will scream bullsh*t and I will scream it from the f*cking hills. This was not about a public service; this was about a lack of boundaries. That said, I hope the guy gets well because addiction is an abysmal thing to live with, whether you’re the addict or not.
Also: Jax just learned the meaning of the word “colander” so it’s a big day for him. Tomorrow I’ll teach him the words “superego” and “id” so he can finally understand the only things that fuel him.
As for Scheana’s desire to have her addict husband drink sometimes so life will be more fun for her, Andy lets us know that she got slammed on social media for those remarks, which means I need to meet those people who wrote those comments because we should all be best friends. Scheana owns her comments and explains that they were made out of pure ignorance and you know what? That explanation works for me. I wish her luck moving forward. I also wish she’d take down one of the twelve poster-sized photographs of herself lining her foyer, but one step at a time.
Also: the talon-like nails half these chicks are rocking are truly terrifying and I desperately hope they’re just a phase like Paris Hilton was.
With Vicodin chatter over, it’s time to revisit the time Sandoval ditched his girlfriend on her birthday so he could go to Vegas with the friends he sees every day where they could crush shit with monster trucks. Seems Sandoval regrets that decision, but there’s little time to discuss it because now is the moment for every girl on that set to reveal that yes, each one of them has hooked up with other women. Listen, if that was what they wanted to do, more power to them. Embrace your sexuality, ladies! I just hope it wasn’t done to fulfill some guy’s faux-lesbian fantasy, especially when the boys on this show engage in more homoeroticism than I have seen outside of movies playing at 4:00 AM on Cinemax.
Also: avoid getting an ass tattoo.
Clearly feeling brave, Andy would like to hop in a time machine and whizz back to the night Kristen marched into SUR to apologize to Ariana for all of those times she plotted her death. Sure, she had plans and shovels and research about the countries that don’t have extradition agreements with the United States and a map marked with a great big X on her person for well over a year, but the past is the past! As Kristen giggles inanely, Sandoval and Ariana sit stone faced and their lack of humor about the whole thing is matched by James’ assessment that Kristen’s motives were fueled by bullsh*t and only done so she could try to weasel her way back into a group of friends who had systematically banned her because none of them travel regularly with metal detectors and they couldn’t be certain they’d remain breathing if Kristen and her rage stopped by for a visit. Ariana explains that she’s now cordial to Kristen and her way of being cordial is to flat-out ignore her. The comment might very well be the most lucid thing said during this entire reunion and that means Ariana wins! Her prizes are a bulletproof vest and her very own portable panic room where she can take shelter the instant Kristen’s meds run dry.
Also: Kristen is a very happy person. Legitimately gleeful people everywhere are currently swallowing fistfuls of downers so as to differentiate themselves from this assh*le.
Think Kristen’s fury is over for the night? Stop being silly! Lala also hates her and James shouts that Kristen should shut her f*cking mouth, but nobody can break this girl! She’s too strong for that! So what that she called someone there a “bagful of whore”? These people (um, Jax?) are her dear friends! And besides, even if they maul her later on in the parking lot to finally get rid of her for good, her spirit will undoubtedly show up every single place they all go and it will do so without an invite because sometimes you can’t even gain some dignity in the afterlife.
Just to be safe, I’m off to throw away my Ouija board. Stoicism can only get you so far when you’re dealing with total madness.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.