But now that we’re back on the subject of Lala, a girl who showed off so much hair on her tummy in a recent picture that it can be French braided, she doesn’t feel a bit guilty for whipping her top off in front of a bunch of guys who have girlfriends. Why should she? That kind of practice is what gets her, um, passport stamped by all the men she doesn’t sleep with as they go flitting around the world together.
Also: Lala refers to herself in the third person. Ergo, Lala should know that Lala is dead to me.
Moving on to another moron, Andy would like to revisit the time Jax told Lala that Brittany was not heading out to California – while she was in the car heading straight for mother*cking California. What was Brittany’s reaction to hearing the man she was about to move in with allege that their relationship was as real as a mythical flying creature? Obviously she was so furious that she’s still here. She was mad and all, but she really didn’t know the full extent of his duplicity. Luckily, Scheana – the town crier of the group – let Brittany know what went down and I’m guessing she got over it because she’s thrilled to be “standing by my man,” a sentence she says without breaking down in laughter.
That makes one of us.
The last issue that took place in Hawaii that needs to be discussed is the moment Jax decided to steal some sunglasses, an incident that led to his arrest. Sure, he was intoxicated and all that time, but it’s not like jail is anything new for the guy. He’s been arrested about five times! Here’s a good question: Andy wants to know if Brittany would have moved in with him had she known about his criminal past – and the woman who will never ever win a spelling bee just shrugs her shoulders because questions are hard!
Also: every single time James speaks, an angel and a daffodil wither away into dusty nothingness.
“I need a lot of help,” Jax states as a way to rationalize his consistently repugnant behavior, and literally the only thing that surprises me here is the way nobody in his presence – cast members, camera crew, security guards, Lisa’s dog Giggy – breaks out into peels of uncontrollable laughter because that excuse is putting it f*cking mildly. That any of these people continue support a man who will gleefully destroy each one of them in an instant is nothing but confusing to me and I’d try to psychoanalyze them to figure out why they continue to hang in there, but the pine-flavored air freshener has started to make me feel a little bit woozy.
The reunion is starting to wind down, but before it can end, it’s time to bring out Stassi. She’s rocking smaller and higher boobs, puffed out lips, and very blonde hair and she is so thrilled to be surrounded by the very people she once swore she wouldn’t spit on even if they were on fire. (I’m paraphrasing, of course, but that was the jist of her tolerance for this group last time they were all shoved into a room together for a reunion.) It was really weird, she explains, watching the show when she wasn’t on it, but she also has a public service message for James. She’d like him to know that his misogyny is out of control and Kristen nods serenely as Stassi says this. Yes, the same girl who banged the guy on a car hood after he spit on her door and called her a whore would like to support the claims that James is an assh*le. He is! Still, Kristen’s reaction is pathetic. And speaking of pathetic, there’s no other word to describe the way James smirks at his terrible behavior and then gazes down to the floor while mumbling that he’s trying to change into a better person. James? I’ve been trying to spin around in my bedroom and change into Wonder Woman since I was five years old. Of the two of us, my transformation is far more likely.
Getting back to the girl who almost clawed her way to safety, Stassi is now acknowledging that she has a heart filled with bile and that’s probably not a good thing. But Stassi has changed! She has opened her heart to Kristen and to Katie and so what that she did it the second cameras started rolling again? That was a pure coincidence! As for Lisa, she’d like Stassi to know that simply apologizing for being a sh*tty person doesn’t negate the fact that she is still a sh*tty person and she knows full well that she crawled back into this dysfunctional fold with some new lips simply so she could get back on this show.
But now that she is back, she’ll get to talk some more about the sex tape she claims is the single most embarrassing moment of her life. (It’s too much common sense to say that she’d never have to talk about the incident publicly again if she hadn’t come back on this show, right?) As for Lisa’s unflinching anger aimed her way, Stassi would like to make amends. She wants to give Lisa respect, but she doesn’t like the way that Lisa holds things over her head. Still, she’s willing to admit that she’s made some mistakes – and she’s willing to talk about every single one of them as long as there’s a lens pointed straight at her face.
The reunion and the season finally end next week, but not before Jax threatens once again to knock James out, Ariana reveals she’s not a Trump supporter, and Kristen and James’ last sexual tryst is rehashed. Here’s what I know: it’s quite possible that I will need to drug myself into a stupor to watch the last part of this reunion. Therefore, if I happen to mention in my next recap that Kristen appears to be a new and improved version of herself, please organize an intervention for me immediately.
(A quick note: Reality Steve is taking a much-deserved vacation this week, so my Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap will not appear on his site tomorrow. You can read it on nellkalter.com)
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.