Over at the bar – because it’s apparently one of those nights when everyone involved in the production is required to be on the schedule – Ariana chats casually with Katie as James walks over. After hearing that he was not canned, Ariana high-fives the guy who has called Katie fat and such an action just reiterates to Katie why Ariana doesn’t belong in her bridal party. Since Ariana would probably prefer to stick shards of glass in her eyes while watching Kristen perform a monologue about feminism than be a part of this bridal party anyway, it all appears to be a draw. “I’ll be involved in any way you want me to be involved,” assures Ariana after Katie quite kindly explains why Ariana will not be wearing a dress that matches nine other girls, and a normal and rational conversation like this one is why I can sit on my couch and actually root for both of these women to have good things happen to them.
A person I’ll always root for is Schwartz because he’s just so f*cking cute. He’s invited Jax and Sandoval over to his apartment so he can cook them dinner and while they all suck down some shrimp, he explains that the real reason the two have been invited for dinner is so he can ask them to be his groomsmen and the three most metrosexual men I have ever seen in one room happily agree to be there for Schwartz on his big day. I will say this about Vanderpump Rules: rarely do the people thrown together on a reality show actually appear to have genuine love for one another, and though some of the people on this show are complete psychopaths, they do seem to have an actual history. I suppose that’s a nice thing to see, but take what I’m saying here with a grain of salt, okay? I’m just coming off The Real Housewives of Orange County where a f*cking lunatic announced that one of her coworkers was in an abusive marriage just so she didn’t have to admit that she’s a liar, so my standards are ridiculously low right now. I’m sure I’ll be back to calling Jax a sweaty douchebag next week – or in another two paragraphs or so.
Also: in order to get Jax and Sandoval back for all the hazing they inflicted upon him during his early days in L.A., Schwartz shoved the steak he cooked for them in between his ass cheeks as a very special marinade and then presented his new groomsmen with glossy photos of his scrotum strewn across their filets. No worries, though – Jax loved the meal.
As bridesmaids extraordinaire, Kristen and Stassi accompany Katie to look for invitations. She wants something unique and Schwartz wants something that costs nothing and hopefully they’ll settle on some invite somewhere in the middle. In the meantime, Katie wants to have a housewarming party at the new apartment and she tells Kristen to bring Carter and Stassi to bring herself. Yes, Stassi is single now and she’s sad that her relationship with the guy she loves is so off and on. Still, she remains perfectly cheerful as her friend plans her wedding and that’s really all you can ask from her at this point.
Back at SUR, Lisa sniffs James’ breath to make sure it doesn’t reek of anything besides desperation. Lala arrives next and she informs Ariana of her grand plan to sit down with Scheana so she can resolve the many differences that now exist between them. The two were once friends, but that bond no longer exists, so Lala approaches Scheana to find out where it all went wrong. It appears the problem stems from Lala calling Katie fat and ugly so many times and Scheana thinks maybe Lala should apologize to Katie first. “It’s not okay,” Scheana says. “I’m not cool with people who trash my friends.” And you know what? I hope Katie remembers this moment when the eventual time comes when Stassi forces her to choose between her and Scheana.
As for Katie, she’s heard lots of rumors that Lala is dating a married man who buys her expensive gifts because she’s kind enough to stick his d*ck in her mouth. Such actions Katie cannot accept! She has no desire to be the girl’s friend, but that doesn’t mean that Lala isn’t going to try to bury the hatchet. Allow Lala to be crystal clear: she does not like Katie. Still, she fully acknowledges that she has all but bullied the girl and she doesn’t feel good about that, so she would like to pretend to be a human being. As she so eloquently puts it, “I owe this bitch an apology.” Excellent start, Lala. She wanders outside and tells Katie that she wants to apologize for all of her “low f*cking blows,” but Katie doesn’t want to hear a word from a girl who lies about everything including her own name. “I don’t throw rocks,” Katie maintains. “If I call you a whore, I’m just calling it like I see it.” But see, this here is an issue of semantics. Katie thinks Lala is a big giant dirty possibly-disease-filled whore because she sucks c*ck to get expensive prizes. But Lala – she who is the big giant dirty possibly-disease-filled whore – thinks that the definition of a whore is someone who sucks many many c*cks and since she only deep throats one, calling her such a name is not only unfair, but it is patently inaccurate. Hey, Lala? What’s your definition of “escort”? In any case, the apology ends with Lala denying that she even has a married boyfriend and maintaining that her mommy pays for every expensive thing she owns while Katie rolls her eyes and stalks away from a girl who continues to sit in the alley of the restaurant while playing with her own cleavage.
I’m guessing Lala will not be invited to Katie’s housewarming party, but those who haven’t told her that she’s fat all show up. Shay appears for the first time this season and Scheana explains that the two are happier today than the day they got married. She’s stick-figure skinny and he’s allegedly stone-cold sober and they arrive with a gift for the engaged couple. Meanwhile, Jax is trying to convince Sandoval to hire a fleet of transvestites for the bachelor party as Stassi sits on a couch and watches Kristen suck face with her boyfriend who’s gonna end up needing a sh*tload of therapy. Poor Stassi is going through a tough time. Patrick, the guy she’s been off and on with for a while, is not around right now and she looks truly lost. That’s when Brittany approaches her and Stassi takes one look at the girl and realizes that she needs to talk to somebody. “It’s just a f*cking sh*t pattern and I’m embarrassed,” she cries and Brittany hugs her and promises that she will always be there for her if she needs someone to talk to. How a guy like Jax landed either of these women is seriously f*cking beyond me. I swear, Stassi and Brittany should just date each other.
Since nobody else likes either of them, James and Lala get together so Lala can explain that Katie did not accept her apology and it must be because Katie is a f*cking bitch. Then they sit there just the two of them and imagine what it must be like over at the housewarming party and discuss how very fortunate they are to have absolutely no friends besides each other.
Back at the party, Jax examines the total loss of Scheana’s ass since her weight loss while Katie takes Stassi and Kristen into her bedroom to tell them about her conversation with Lala and how the girl fully denied having a married boyfriend. “She. Is. A. C*nt,” explains Kristen, a girl who knows a c*nt when she sees one. Just ask Brittany! But listen, Kristen’s head has yet to fully spin around this season and she hasn’t scoped out settings ahead of time to find out where she can bury Ariana’s body, so I shall give credit where credit is due and not make too big of a deal out of the fact that a woman who has made herself a career out of being completely nuts on reality television just called another woman “insane.” But just as I’m sitting here realizing that I’m giving a lot of people free passes tonight, Stassi utters the line I’ve been waiting for. Yes, she decides that Scheana should not have even listened to Lala’s pleas for forgiveness because of all the terrible things Lala has said about Katie. According to Stassi, Scheana “just needs to fall in f*cking line” and ignore Lala forever in the exact manner that Stassi decrees she should. Okay. First, Scheana did nothing but prove her loyalty to Katie. Second, let’s be honest – Stassi has been biding her time and just waiting to find something she can use to kick Scheana out of the group.
Scheana, of course, has no idea that Stassi’s been plotting against her because #26 of what nobody knows about Scheana Shay is that she is willfully blind when it comes to recognizing that a girl who has hated her since this show first started hates her still and that girl will not rest until Scheana is tossed out of SUR and off of Bravo and not even the newest shape of Scheana’s face will be able to mask the genuine hurt she will feel when she realizes – once again – that Stassi never has and never will actually be her friend.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.