Vanderpump Rules Recap – 3/6/17

March 7th, 2017 | No Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 5

Speaking of the girl who’s about to get married in front of guests who are making sure the gifts they’re handing over are returnable, Katie is asked by Lisa to help her plan the annual SUR photo shoot because it’s time for all of us to pretend that nobody knows what SUR is or who these people are because nobody in L.A. proper has ever heard of Bravo, so there needs to be a collection of pictures taken of the staff so diners will show up and order some fried goat cheese balls. And after Lisa’s done telling Katie the theme of this year’s photo shoot – basically it’s nakedness – she informs Katie that she’d better stop fighting with Schwartz because she’s not trekking out to the middle of nowhere to marry them under some tree if the two end up getting an annulment in less than a year and have to split the $473 listed in their pre-nup.

Since Stassi and Kristen don’t have jobs, they spend the day getting lunch with their dogs. Kristen’s is a service dog and the service he provides is that he keeps his master from stabbing James in the heart. (Since she also mentioned last week slitting Sandoval’s throat, I hope Gibson is a canine of many talents.) The two are getting together so Kristen – I’m just gonna let that one sit for a second – can help Stassi create her online dating profile. Stassi’s a little reluctant to toss herself online and the girl’s got quite the point. It’s hard to meet someone in the regular world, but what she’s bound to encounter in cyber-world could very well terrify her. I mean, I’ve had guys send me c*ck shots as their profile picture and then react with alarm when I didn’t want to date them, so buckle up, Stassi, and just pray you get pictures of circumcised d*cks.

Away from the place where Stassi sits and lists “brunch and murder” as her interests on her profile, Katie and Schwartz stop by Vanderpump Manor and have some guy wearing a tux show up to request that Lisa officiate the wedding. (The wedding is in two weeks. Have they really not figured out who’s performing the ceremony before today or did their regular member of the clergy recently contract gout?) Lisa doesn’t jump up and down to accept their invitation because she takes marriage seriously and all she’s seen is the fighting that’s constantly transpiring. “All the sh*t we’ve been through has overshadowed the relationship,” Schwartz explains, but see, I think that’s probably what a relationship is all about – seeing one another through all of life’s sh*t without texting the person you love sometime around noon that you hate him and that his penis doesn’t always work. Katie gets really emotional because she knows their relationship is seriously f*cked up and she wants them to be better. Lisa wants that for them, too, but she’ll wait to see some proof before she agrees to stand beside them and make it official.

And now it’s time for an afternoon at the beach so everyone can briefly make fun of Scheana to meet that day’s quota of making the girl miserable and so Stassi can debut yet another swimsuit that will lead to stupendously f*cked up tan lines. But at least she shows up with stories about making out with some guy she went on a date with the night before, and so help me, I’m rooting for Stassi. After it’s confirmed that Stassi didn’t give it up on the first date, Schwartz and Katie explain to all their friends that Lisa refused to agree to perform their ceremony because their relationship has been a walking disaster and then the two wander down the beach and cuddle and profess to stop making one another desperately unhappy.

Though Lisa might need to skip town to get out of this wedding, the rest of her life is pretty great. Example #90 of why I want her life – like, to the point that I want her fingerprints grafted on my own hand – is that she has a beautiful horse and a chic riding helmet and she invites Ariana over for the day to gallop beside her. Lisa’s pleased to hear that Katie and Schwartz have told their friends about her reticence to marry them because she thinks it means they’re heeding her words. Then she asks Ariana if she plans to marry Sandoval, but Ariana’s not quite sure because she thinks babies are sort of icky and I think the girl might actually be my newest soulmate.

Since she’s full on playing the field, Stassi is getting ready for her next date. It’s concerning me greatly that Kristen is stepping in as her guru here because that woman is f*cking batsh*t as hell. Her advice in this one scene alone is for Stassi not to wear underwear, to make sure to swallow some Adderall, and not to forget the condoms.

It’s been a while since we’ve had a blatantly homoerotic interlude on this show, but luckily we get a spray tan montage. Sandoval – recognizing that between the SUR photo shoot and the wedding there will be a lot of pictures taken of them all soon – brings all of his guy friends to get some faux color. During the session, Schwartz lets drop that he and Katie finally had sex and that it was amazing and I guess the balloons that just burst from my ceiling happened because it’s something to celebrate when two people who swear they’re completely in love finally manage to do the deed.

And now it’s time for Stassi’s blind date with a guy who signed a release to appear on this show. David is generically cute and he looks like he works in Finance and he appears briefly terrified when Stassi mentions that she’s only very recently single, she hates any kind of physical activity, and she believes she owes her prettiness to rarely getting off her couch. Still, he appears to be a nice guy and it’s sweet to watch Stassi attempt to convince herself that she should really try to end up with “a nice guy” for once in her life instead of men who ravage her soul for sport. Um, Stassi? Should you figure out how to make such a proclamation stick, please call me and explain exactly what you said to yourself to make it happen. I’ll be more than happy to regale you about the time I all but poured out my heart to a guy only to have him tell me about a recent date he went on with some chick he would have ended up sleeping with had she not gotten so drunk that she peed all over herself. I’ll bring the wine. You bring the Adderall. Both of us should feel free to wear underwear.

Back at Katie and Schwartz’s, they’re still speaking kindly to one another so they can convince Lisa to give in and marry them. Katie’s helping Lisa prepare for the photo shoot and Schwartz is helping Katie and it’s all very peaceful and the change in mood and tone between these two is so jarring that I’m wondering if I can sue the producers of this show on the grounds that I’ve just ended up with emotional whiplash.

The day of the shoot has arrived and there’s a gigantic prop of a dead pig with an apple shoved into its mouth and all kinds of pink and purple draping. Nobody is more excited about the whole thing than Sandoval, though, who shows up with about a bazillion outfit choices and looks as happy as if it’s f*cking Christmas. After a bunch of pictures are shot, Katie asks Scheana some advice about who gives speeches at the wedding because Scheana was the first of them to get married – and divorced – and she’s a good person to ask. Scheana gets teary and tells Katie that she wants to be there for her on her big day. Since Stassi’s nowhere around to punch her across the face for being kind, Katie hugs Scheana and tells her how much she loves her.

As they’ve managed to get along for a whole two days after her intervention, Lisa finally agrees to go ahead and officiate Katie and Schwartz’s wedding and the look of relief that crosses their faces is evident. “Tom and I haven’t always been united, and I think we need to be,” Katie explains and I guess we’re just expected to believe that all the negativity that has defined this couple all season long simply doesn’t matter anymore. Their conflicts have magically disappeared and it’s so great to see that questionable past behaviors can be whisked away instantly like we’re all walking Etch-A-Sketches. I for one am ready to wipe certain things from my past, too. I’ll even put doing so near the top of my bucket list.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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