Vanderpump Rules Recap – 3/20/17

March 21st, 2017 | No Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 5

And now that it’s time for the wedding rehearsal, Lisa and Ken finally emerge from their hotel suite to check out the grounds and they’re full of compliments about how beautiful the place is. Lisa takes Katie aside to go over some of what she plans to say during the ceremony and Katie gets emotional because everything Lisa Vanderpump utters in her perfect dulcet tones sound nothing but exactly right and even Giggy – resplendent in purple satin – looks optimistic about the wedding at this point. But then the rest of the group shows up and Lisa takes one gander at Kristen and exhales something f*cking fierce because she sort of hates her and she probably always will and there’s got to be a piece of her that causes her to wonder if the attention she and her restaurant get for being on this show is worth having to be associated in any way with such a person.

As the wedding party arrives, Brittany explains what her perfect wedding day will be like. She wants to tie the knot during winter in a castle in Kentucky where she will be surrounded by heaps of red roses. It all sounds very Disney Princess and she’s already located her Beast so I guess she’s good to go. (I just love when fairytales work out for real because nothing can be more worse than dreams that don’t come true, right?) After the rehearsal, Taco Night begins and that gives Jax an opportunity to hit on Schwartz’s mom and it gives Stassi the chance to reflect on how amazing it is that two of her close friends are getting married and it gives Kristen a moment to check to see if Uber can send a Mack truck to the middle of the woods to plow Ariana down before nightfall.

Also: Stassi cries when a guy goes down on her and she comes.

Also: She told this sweet little story to Katie’s mother.

Also: I want the phone number of the guy who went down on her seven times in one night because I would like to clone him.

And now the triplets are here! They. Are. Here. And I could cry that they’re not decked out in OshKosh B’gosh, but I will say that it’s lovely that Sandoval has outfits for all of them. Frosted hair or not, that guy is a good friend. He and Jax eventually lead Schwartz away for a private moment and bring out one brother at a time until all three are standing beside him and Schwartz is grateful and crying and, God help me, but this wedding is starting to get to me and I feel like I should stare at a close up of James straddling Lala so I can remind myself of what cynicism tastes like before I have to break out a wad of tissues because I’m almost crying too and nobody has even gone down on me.

While everyone celebrates outside under the starlit sky, Shay is inside where he’s buried under pillows so he doesn’t even have to catch a glimpse of his poor wife’s face. Back where people are joyful, Lisa and Stassi share a nice moment together and Lisa tells Stassi that she has always recognized her finest qualities – her wit and her strength – and it pained her to watch Stassi run away from her problems a few years ago. To Stassi’s credit, she admits that she made some mistakes but she’s trying to live a better life now and I know there’s a part of Stassi that will forever be a nasty middle school terror since she’s brandished that side of her often in front of a lens, but I also think she’s smart and I can’t help hoping that she finds happiness and that she chooses to exist in a world where she can cry whenever she comes without any sort of anxiety about it and that this new world of hers has an address that Kristen, despite her impressive skills at cyber-sleuthing, will never ever be able to locate.

With that warm moment over, Lisa finds herself next on the lawn with Scheana and she asks her a very normal question about her husband since the guy is nowhere to be seen. “How are things with you and Shay?” Lisa asks, to which Scheana responds, “Ammmmmaaaaazing,” and that sound you just heard were all of the angels in the distance laughing and crying at exactly the same time. That sound might have also included the revving of an engine that Shay built out of pieces of twigs and bark he found outside the door to his room because he will get himself away from his wife and these people somehow, so help him.

And now it’s finally the day of the wedding and the groomsmen head out on a fishing expedition where Ariana patiently explains to Schwartz that he cannot wing his vows and he also can’t whip out his iPhone and read the vows off the Notes app – and this is probably an excellent example of why every group of groomsmen should include at least one woman. Away from the dirt and the sight of Jax wading into the water, Lisa and Ken are holed up in their suite and Lisa is ironing her dress, an act so rare that Ken rushes to take a photo of it like it’s a f*cking eclipse and I’d totally make fun of them but I want their life so badly that I’m about to cry like someone just went down on me for the sixteenth time in an hour.

Over in the bridal cabin, the girls are getting their hair and makeup done and they’re all wearing matching robes and Kristen is taking it upon herself to be Katie’s handmaiden because even though Stassi is standing closest to Katie while up at the altar, Kristen needs to prove she’s the real maid of honor and offering to get her drinks and food seems the best way to do that. And while the girls get decked from toes to mile-long lashes, Schwartz makes the executive decision to shun a shower and instead just throw on some deodorant and rinse his hair in the lake before he heads downstairs to finally write his vows. Meanwhile, Lisa, Ken, and the luckiest dog in the hemisphere arrive in the woods so Lisa can stand behind the podium and get comfortable because it’s somebody else’s big day and she’s nervous about being in charge and she wants to get it right. And as she and her diaphanous sleeves practice saying, “Dearly beloved…” Ken gazes at her with total and complete adoration and I don’t care if the guy carries a puppy around like it’s a purple purse because the manner with which he adores his wife is something pretty amazing to watch.

The wedding is in one hour and Schwartz still hasn’t finished his vows, but that’s nothing compared to what’s happening in Bride Land because Katie’s dress isn’t fitting. Like the squirrels and the flock of birds in Cinderella, her bridesmaids spring into action and start reconstructing the garment on the spot. (I’m being honest when I say that, all the sh*t-talk I’ve done about this group aside, they take their bridal party duties more seriously than I have ever seen girls do in my entire life. Brava, ladies.)

Also: Jax is so the kind of guy who says, right before his good friend walks down the aisle, that Schwartz is about to only have one vagina for the rest of his life – and nobody in this universe or any alien on that group of planets that were just discovered is even slightly surprised.

Katie is finally zipped into her lace dress and she glides into the room to the sound of cheers from her bridal party and now it’s time for the wedding. The guests make their way to their seats and the veil is attached to Katie’s hair and maybe nobody looks better than Ariana who is wearing the f*ck out of a suit and the altar is dripping with crystals and now, just for a moment, I’m willing to believe that these two have a shot at making it and I really hope someone wise decided that tequila should definitely not be served at the reception.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

Leave a Reply