Vanderpump Rules Recap – 3/27/17

March 28th, 2017 | No Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 5

But Katie has to get married before she can eventually be anointed Vice President of Questionable Fashion & Loyalty Lieutenant for Scheana’s organization, so we begin tonight back in that happy place where resentments have been repressed for the time being. Lisa is presiding over the ceremony and she’s dressed like she just hightailed it from the fanciest coven meeting on the planet where I hope she sacrificed James to the Gods of the underworld. She’s in the forest now, though, and every single person there hangs on the words of advice she bestows upon a couple that looks really happy after tirelessly brawling with one another for an entire season. That advice? You are never too old to hold hands. Respect each other. Don’t text after doing shots of tequila. And it’s all rather good advice, though I sort of wish she’d tossed in that perhaps brandishing their lives for pay on a reality show might not be the finest of ideas, but Lisa is an executive producer on this show and she probably knows that if Katie and Schwartz leave, she’s bound to be stuck with Kristen and Jax until the very end of time.

When it’s time for the vows, Schwartz’s hands shake and he eventually begins to break down and the whole thing is pretty adorable. Katie follows by declaring her love right back and everyone in the wedding party – including the dogs – look positively overcome with emotion. And now they’re married officially and I think I speak for everyone when I say that I hope Schwartz’s penis works on his wedding night and that Kristen eventually truly commits to a lifetime of therapy because hearing her mention the fake engagement ring she sometimes wears concerns me terribly.

At the reception, Jax splits his pants right near his crotch, Shay sits as far away from his wife as he possibly can without climbing a tree and eating dinner from high in some evergreen, Lisa mentions to Sandoval that he should consider running her new business, and one of Schwartz’s triplet brothers gives not one but two drunken speeches because he knows this might be his only chance to ever speak in front of a crowd before heading back to the bedroom he shares with the rest of his brothers in Florida. Then it’s Sandoval’s turn and he manages to refrain from recommending that the bride and groom get an annulment immediately so he and Schwartz can finally just be together forever and then Stassi gets up and declares the entire wedding “really f*cking cool” before the party really begins. A band is there and everyone dances and eventually Brittany and Jax wander away to a place that’s private – you know, where only the cameras are – and he starts the conversation by telling her that he doesn’t think things are going well for them anymore before laughing and saying that he’s just kidding because apparently it wasn’t enough for him to tell Schwartz right before the wedding that he’d never see another vagina ever again; he also though it would be hilarious to pretend to break up with his girlfriend during the reception. But Brittany has nothing to worry about because Jax informs her that marriage will happen for them and the only thing they need to figure out are the logistics, like where the wedding should be and how he should propose and when they can get their next set of implants so they will have set properly before they take off on a honeymoon to one of the Hawaiian islands that have not permanently banned Jax from its shores. That Brittany is one lucky girl, huh?

Then Sandoval takes Ariana aside to tell her that Lisa offered him a great opportunity to run her new restaurant and that he wants to have children one day with her and to marry her and there’s something sweetly comforting about seeing two people on one of these shows who always have one another’s backs and choose not to sell the other out for the sake of a juicy storyline. It’s also vaguely comforting to see a woman on television who’s not desperate to go the conventional route and get married because that simply might not be her path and for her to announce such a thing while wearing the best outfit in the place almost caused me to f*cking burst into a round of applause.

Also: Jax motorboats Brittany’s t*ts on the dance floor.

Also: Kristen makes sure to tell her boyfriend her ring size and the guy does not run fleeing into the wilderness.

Also: Shay is still absolutely nowhere to be found.

As the evening progresses, Lisa takes Sandoval and Schwartz aside to let them know that she’d like both of them to run her new business and that she’s thinking of calling it Tom Tom. At this bit of spectacular news, Sandoval becomes ecstatic and Schwartz becomes catatonic and it’s a bit of a reminder that it’s a damn good thing Schwartz is so cute because it’s clear the guy doesn’t have an ambitious bone in his entire body and that would be a way tougher thing to deal with if the guy didn’t have a nice face. Meanwhile, Stassi bounds over to Ariana to ask if Ariana still thinks she’s annoying and Ariana all but nods her head and agrees that yes, Stassi is annoying. But then she becomes emotional and explains that she’s working so hard so she doesn’t end up some thirty-year-old bartender and though Stassi comforts her, she’s also rather thrilled that she has finally broken through Ariana’s steely exterior because she had a bet with someone that Ariana does so have working tear ducts. At the end of their conversation, Ariana basically announces that she doesn’t think Stassi is a total monster and the two bond over how often they both fantasize about murdering people extra slowly and I suppose their surface friendship lasted for a time, but rumor is that time came to an end and I guess we’ll hear more about how such a thing came to pass as well as the most effective ways to leisurely suffocate someone during the upcoming three-f*cking-part Reunion.

With the wedding now behind them, we flash-forward three months and land back in Los Angeles where Scheana pulls up to Lisa’s home in quiet tears. She’s there to explain that her husband goes missing for six days at a time and she’s not only been lying to her family and friends, but to herself as well. “Since you’ve gotten married it’s been bullsh*t,” Lisa declares – and it turns out Queen Vanderpump is correct because Shay’s back on pills and he’s been hiding it from her and he cleaned out her bank account and she loves him but she knows she has to finally be done with this marriage. And that night, Scheana and a camera crew sit in her living room when Shay walks in. The guy looks worn out – dirty – and he tells her that she never listens but at least he got her attention by not coming home. These are the rantings and the rationalizations of a toddler strung out on pills and Scheana lets him sit there and lie to her face enough times so she can walk away knowing she gave it everything she had, that she cannot be married to a man who looks her in the eyes and blatantly deceives her, and then she tells him that she is going to see a lawyer on Friday and this relationship is over and the whole thing is so sad that I kind of wish Schwartz’s brother would fly back to California – just for one more day – and make a speech right there in Scheana’s living room about how her future will be bright and that one day she will marry a man who is nothing but honest with her and they will stand together in an enchanted forest under the moonlight as Lisa Vanderpump’s tuxedo-clad puppies howl happily in the distance.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

Leave a Reply