Vanderpump Rules Recap – 4/3/17

April 6th, 2017 | No Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 5


First of all, Lala has a brand new tattoo around her nipple, so that’s nice to know. But we can discuss her classy body art at another time, because Andy Cohen would really like to know what started the feud between Lala and Katie. And you know what? She’s been a monster for most of the season, but I sort of have to side with Katie here. Lala did show up to Katie’s engagement party where she drunkenly mocked the toasts and then proceeded to follow Katie around for the next several months informing her that she’d gotten fat and telling her frequently that one day she would bang her fiancé. Upon hearing these nuggets of truth, Lala and the fillers clogging her lips burst back that Katie was making fun of her before they even met because her profile picture was of her own ass and that just makes Katie a Mean Girl. Listen, I’m all for calling both of these girls mean – and I’m also wholeheartedly admitting that I too would laugh my ass off just catching a glimpse of someone’s profile ass pic – but Andy would like to delve further into this muck-filled bullsh*t. For example, yes, Lala proclaimed that Katie and Schwartz will end up getting divorced, that Stassi is a has-been, and that she is the real star of this reality show, but she said all of those things for two very important reasons. One, she believes all of them to be entirely true. Two, when she feels hurt, she will lash out because her development was stunted by that traumatic moment when she was bullied back in middle school and nobody since then has made her see that having that kind of incendiary reaction causes her to fall further into misery. That said, watching Kristen, Stassi, and Katie roll their eyes at this girl feels f*cking icky and I’d give maybe anything for one more close-up of a filet mignon shoved up Schwartz’s rectum right now.


In just three minutes alone, Lala announced that Kristen and Stassi had trashed her on social media, the two blamed Lala for trying to ruin their reputations online, and Scheana actually said the sentence, “I Snapchat my face every single day,” as a way to prove she has not had a nose job. You guys? I sometimes long for the days when technology was not gripped in the palm of every idiot on the f*cking planet…


My heart kind of broke for Katie as she explained that she knows she’s gained weight and hearing it thrown in her face as a deliberate insult was all kinds of painful, but then Sandoval jumps in to question if perhaps she provoked the cruelty heaved upon her since, after all, she did spend the better part of a year saying terrible things about Lala and her questionable morality. It’s an interesting question and I guess Sandoval is fair to ask it, but it’s impossible to forget that Lala appeared on the scene with ridiculous stories and luxury SUVs she swore she got for free and nails like f*cking daggers and she kind of did everything possible to get a reaction and it’s too bad she wasn’t happy with the one she received. But Lala is young; she has time to learn that perhaps announcing on television that she got a Range Rover for sucking a guy’s dome will also make people think that she probably flies on a private jet to CVS every time she runs out of Valtrex.


James, you see, is completely in love with Raquel and they have been blissfully happy together for a year and he totally did not sleep with that girl GG no matter what Kristen mutters from the other side of this semicircle of f*cking doom. It’s hard to know who to believe here. On the one hand, James has shown himself to be quite capable of cheating and apparently there are all sorts of blind women in L.A. willing to have sex with this weenie. But on the other hand, Ariana announces that she heard GG say more than once that she would “f*ck or fight” any one of the Vanderpumpers to get her mug on TV and maybe this was her golden (shower) opportunity. All I know in this situation is that I’m literally dumbfounded that anyone is willing to announce to the world that she bumped uglies with this douchebag and that level of shock prevents me from coming to any kind of real conclusion about this issue and I shall slug back some holy water and then bathe in bleach and hope that one day I’ll feel whole again after listening to this segment of crazy.


It’s always going to be three against one here – always. And the reason for that is because Scheana actually has a few original thoughts and she has the terrible audacity to engage in some actions that were not officially sanctioned by this three-headed Cyclops and the one thing this Cyclops cannot deal with is a break in the ranks. But Scheana has a normal side. She sometimes apologizes if she feels she’s behaved badly. She wants to work in an environment not ruled by and reeking of contention. And Katie and Stassi and Kristen? They could give a sh*t about Scheana’s needs because they believe blind loyalty is the finest quality one can find in a friend and, listen, loyalty is great, but this kind of unquestioning loyalty is maybe why Kristen is mostly known for being a lunatic and Stassi is mostly known for being a controlling bitch and Katie is now synonymous with being a mean drunk and perhaps a better friend – one who could actually speak the truth without the threat of a social fatwa being waged against her in retaliation – might be able to recommend that being known for such things isn’t all that awesome. These girls validate the sh*ttiest aspects of one another’s personalities and it might very well be time for just one of them to disengage and grow up.

And now, right as Part One of the Reunion is drawing to a close, Katie experiences a burst of maturity on the spot. She turns to Lala and carefully explains that she wasn’t in command of her emotions during the days Lala was calling her extra pudgy and she responded to those taunts by calling Lala a whore and she would like to apologize. She wasn’t in a good place, she says, not with Schwartz and not with her own body and Lala poked all of her insecurities and she responded with stinging insults and she truly feels badly. She’s not trying to justify anything; she just wants to make it better now. And listening to that kindness, Lala cries and she dabs at her lashes with her ferocious fingernails and she accepts Katie’s apology and this installment of the Vanderpump Rules Reunion will apparently conclude with Kristen and Stassi’s heads exploding into a zillion bits because nobody seconded the nomination for Katie to go ahead and apologize to Lala and a quick meeting of the Cyclops members will have to occur before Part Two of this interminable event can transpire.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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