Vanderpump Rules Recap – 4/10/17

April 11th, 2017 | No Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 5

Lala finally leaves the semicircle and the attention turns to the one fight Ariana and Sandoval got into during the season about how he seemed to try to take control of the book on bartending she was working on. I’ll be the first to say that calling your boyfriend “a little bitch” is not right. (I mean, if you’re really mad, you should call him “a small-d*cked mother*cker.”) Still, these two reconciled the conflict and they’re actually doing the book together. As for why Ariana is not interested in marrying the man who so clearly adores her, she explains she just doesn’t see the point of marriage. Andy then follows up by asking Brittany about her amazing plans to one day marry Jax, but the only truly notable moment in this entire segment is how the editors cut to Kristen’s face when Sandoval proposing to Ariana is brought up because sometimes it’s fun to watch steam come out of the ears of something on television that’s not a cartoon rat.

Also: news came out today that Jax and Brittany are getting their very own spinoff show wherein Jax goes to a farm in Kentucky so he can behave like a dipsh*t on a brand new terrain. Here’s what I have to say about such a series: I will only watch that f*cker if I am paid to watch it – and I mean handsomely. Like, I will require fistfuls of money not coved in pubes from a bank in BH. Please ask Lala to bring me that money via a private jet her mommy pays for. I’ll totally sign an NDA so she has no reason to worry.

But speaking of Jax, Andy says that he has lied, cheated, and stolen, so was he surprised that Brittany’s mother was most disturbed by hearing stories that he might have had a homosexual encounter or twelve? Yes, Jax explains, he expected Brittany’s mother to be way more upset about the cheating and the drugs. Still, he gets why Brittany’s mother had that reaction and Brittany stands up for her mother also, calling her “the most amazing person” she has ever met in her entire life. That’s a very sweet sentiment, though looking around at the people in Brittany’s life, I’m not sure those words have quite the resonance she’s going for here.

Since we can’t exactly count on Brittany to fully bring the wisdom, let’s instead turn to a twelve-year-old boy. I sound like I’m joking, but Nikolai, Stassi’s brother, is by far the wisest person ever to appear on this series. Yes, I question associating someone who’s just hit his tween years with this show in any capacity, but this kid is adorable and if anyone has the power to get his older sister to finally shed her middle school cafeteria crown and stop treating her friendships like a f*cking contact sport, it might be this bow-tie wearing sixth grader. Nikolai jumps right in and tells Andy that he’s sad Stassi and Patrick broke up, but it’s probably because she tried to get everything she wanted like she always does and that’s probably why she’s lost three boyfriends. Stassi agrees that her little brother’s got some good advice, but in perhaps the most evocative statement this chick’s ever made, she also says that she only listens to that advice when it comes out of her television screen, not when he says it to her initially. I tell you, there will one day be DSM manuals solely devoted to the ramifications of being a reality show participant and Stassi could very well be this century’s Dora. (Because why not throw a Freud reference into a Vanderpump Rules recap??)

Once the smartest person in the room goes home so he can pack up his Lunchables for school in the morning, the discussion turns to the time Katie told Scheana that “a lot of people think you’re fake,” a statement that caused Scheana to shoot back that a lot more people think Katie has a drinking problem – which she clearly does. Her drinking has been the root of most of the fights she’s had on this show and for Katie to now claim that Scheana saying such a thing is nothing but paving a convenient narrative for herself is laughable. I mean, even the sixth grader who just left the set told her to stop drinking! I hate to sound like Lisa Rinna over on The Real Housewives of Pantyless Island, but Katie? Time to own your sh*t.

And now we must travel down the road to nowhere so we can watch Stassi explain how Ariana refusing to like her is hurtful and annoying while Ariana steadfastly continues to refuse to like her. “I’ve seen you manipulate people time and time again,” Ariana explains while waving off excuses that Manipulative Stassi was so 2012 and Stassi has since grown in emotional leaps and mental bounds. “I don’t trust you,” Ariana says while Stassi – 2017 Stassi – looks on, her mouth agape. Could it really be that someone on this show isn’t clamoring to be her friend, to have her firmly on their side, to fight their battles, both on social media and in person? Is it possible that Ariana will never really crack? And could someone maybe bring her little brother back to the set for a minute so he can say something sage into a camera about how some people will simply never like her so one day – maybe – his words will have an actual impact?

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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