It’s that time again in New York when the trees rise stark and bleak against the backdrop of a sky that’s the color of a worn out grey tee, when you can see your breath leaving your mouth in a faded frosty cloud if you burst into laugher while standing on the street in the moonlight. It’s the time of year when I keep reminding myself that it might be very nice to invest in some footwear appropriate for the tundra and when everything I put on for work in the morning involves black tights that are designed to keep me from freezing my entire ass right off.

Yes, it is that time – or at least it’s supposed to be. I think maybe Mother Nature didn’t get the message, or perhaps she’s going through a tumultuous breakup and simply doesn’t have either the gumption or the energy to rain flakes of fluffy snow down from her expansive sky. There’s always a chance that she’s trying to ward off her own heady and chronic case … Continue reading →

There are just certain things one should never do:

1. Enter any supermarket or CVS the day after Halloween when all the candy is 50% off and the sugary portion of the brain gets stimulated simply by looking at all of the discounted Twix that line the shelves like a caramel-and-cookie-and-chocolate-coated dream. 2. Meet a blind date on a boat that takes you far out to sea when you’ve never been that good a screamer. 3. Try on a bikini in December unless you’re tan, drunk, or surrounded by blind people who have been drinking. 4. Go shopping for electronics on Black Friday without having first rubbed Vaseline across your entire body. The slippery nature of the stuff will help you to stop the person who is trying to club you over the head so she can snag that humongous TV from getting a good grip on your forearm. 5. Watch the reality show you’re tasked with recapping when you are in a very dark mood.

Yes, I’m coming off perhaps the bleakest week of … Continue reading →