I’m going to be a bit presumptuous here and make a very specific suggestion to a bunch of people I don’t even know. Vanderpump Rules cast, listen up: you need to immediately make all new friends – people who don’t have the keys to the closets where each of you store your mountains and valleys of damning skeletons – or you must refrain from carrying a cell phone ever.

Both acts would be hard to pull off. After all, these people are earning money and a semblance of fame from interacting with one another, so the mass ditching of friendships doesn’t seem all that likely. And if they didn’t carry phones, how would Jax manage to text random women at all hours of the day and night? (You know those people who can surreptitiously text while their hands are under the table and they don’t even have to look down at the keyboard? I suspect Jax can do that, but he doesn’t need his hands; I believe he’s taught his scrotum to be dexterous.) Plus, … Continue reading →

As I sit in my house in New York and the snow piles down from the sky in scary heaps, I find myself doing two things: praying with all my might that I won’t lose power and contemplating what kinds of preparation the cast of Vanderpump Rules would make in the face of a storm.

I’m imagining that Jax, upon hearing that he might have to be shut in for a few days, would hire both a prostitute and a tattoo artist – so that if he falls in pretend love with the girl he’s hired to go down on him, he can record her name on his body for posterity. (I think the pinky toe on his left foot is still unmarked skin that the new chick’s name can be inked on forevermore.) I’m also going to take a mental leap and guess that he’ll have some alcohol on hand too because the thought of facing who is really is while sober has to be more of a nightmare than it would be for … Continue reading →