Vanderpump Rules Recap – 1/12/15

Katie has recently made amends with Scheana, a girl who can apply false lashes quicker than you or I can throw on flip-flops. She’s all brows and lashes and bold lipstick and she proudly proclaims that she’s more of a guy’s girl. She is getting married this season on the show, though the wedding has already taken place in real life, and Scheana wore a crop top as she walked down the aisle, a fact that I think tells you everything you really need to know about Scheana.

Vail is the new girl, the hostess of Sur. A former soap opera star who announced that her nasal cavity had collapsed due to her former love of blow, Vail is a Princeton graduate who uses vocabulary words that might help you win a game of Scrabble. Unfortunately, she is a also moron, a fact made crystal clear after this exchange last week with Jax:

Jax: They all know what kind of person I am. I’m not a good person. I have a lot of issues.

Vail: You’re hard not to love.

Vail, honey? Run quickly away from Jax and make sure to stop at a CVS on the way to the shack you’ll need to hide inside of until you develop an aversion for douchebags. At CVS, pick up a few bottles of antibacterial gel, which you should rub across your entire body and through your cascading hair because you got close to Jax and I’m rather certain he’s got some kind of critter crawling across his body that’s trying to leap free or commit suicide.

Finally, we have Stassi. Stassi doesn’t work at Sur anymore. She used to, of course – otherwise, how would she have snagged herself a place on this show? She used to be a waitress and she was once best friends with Katie and Kristen and she was the girlfriend of Jax, but now Stassi has so moved on. She met a non-Sur guy and she quit her job and now she might do something in styling, but while this show is filming, she does things like drop into Sur and make all kinds of comments about how the place is a time warp and that nobody who works there has moved on in life – which she says while she’s in the restaurant chowing down on goat cheese balls. Stassi is clearly intelligent, a girl who has a slew of insults for others always loaded into a chamber and ready to fire. She somehow has a ton of control over the mindsets of the others, something which is evident because she is the topic of conversation even when she is in a different time zone than the rest of them.

Whew…you’re now caught up on the players and now it’s time to dive into the waters of Miami, the location where Scheana and her mute fiancé Shay are holding their joint bachelor/bachelorette parties. Everybody but Stassi is along for the ride because Stassi is so over the Sur crowd and besides, she doesn’t have to be there in person because they’re all fixated on her even in her absence.

We begin with the gang all waking up after a night of typical debauchery that involved strippers and lap dances and all the generic bachelor party scenarios. And while I want to blame her misguided good cheer on the fact that maybe she has residual alcohol poisoning, I think it’s just stupidity that causes Scheana to marvel, “No one’s even fought!”

Sitting next to her is Ariana, probably the person I like the best on this show, who has had knots in her stomach for the entire vacation because Kristen seems intent on staring bloody, poison-filled daggers at her whenever they find themselves in the same room, which is something that’s been constant over this vacation. And Ariana, bless her heart, has been wading through the hateful craziness with poise and with style, trying to keep her growing ulcer to herself so as not to ruin her best friend’s festivities, but the girl looks ready to break and it will happen by nightfall.

But before the sun sets, we get the following scenarios laid out for our guilty pleasures:

1. Sandoval meets up with an older guy who was the modeling scout who started his and Jax’s careers. John, a bleached blonde who looks very South Beach, is gay and Sandoval intimates that Jax and John lived together and got very, um, close during those years when Jax was named “Jason,” which I suppose cancels out my theory that he was named after Satan. John will be joining the group for dinner, so we will get to see if Jax/Jason/Satan responds favorably to a man who might have been his former Sugar Daddy.

2. Ariana, who has cheerfully committed to doing all the nonsense you must when you are in someone’s wedding party, is organizing a game where she and Scheana are wrapped in toilet paper that is meant to resemble a bridal gown. Into the silliness wanders Kristen, the human equivalent of the foreskin that was cut off of Jax when he was still an infant named Jason, and she announces that she’s late to the toilet paper game because she was having sex with her boyfriend – and then she proceeds to say horrible things about Ariana under her breath. And she says these things to Scheana, Ariana’s best friend, who doesn’t punch Kristen in the throat for saying such sh*t, something that could be due to personal restraint, the fact that she’s bound in too tightly by the toilet paper to get in a good swing, or because she’s a friend who doesn’t value loyalty nearly as much as she should.

3. At the pool, Jax announces that the longest he’s ever gone without having sex is maybe five days, and I would like to take a moment and ask all the women who have chosen to lie on top of Jax over the years to gather in a field somewhere and engage in a mass prayer session to absolve themselves of their sins, or at least to acknowledge their collective poor judgment.

4. Ariana, who has been an amazing sport as she has had to dodge nasty looks and comments for days, finally breaks in the backseat of a taxi and sobs to her boyfriend that Kristen’s behavior is hurtful and constant. Sandoval resolves to help make things better, which he tries to do in the episode’s key moment of crazy, but we’ll get there…

What actually saddens me as a human being who is not an assh*le is that I know that Kristen must have been filled with pure sparkling joy watching this episode. When Ariana is wiping tears from her cheeks, I can almost hear Kristen chortle with happiness, and any decent person in the universe should find that reaction repulsive.

But wait, my friends, there’s more! Arriving at dinner was John, who was embraced warmly by the man he calls Jason, and there seemed to be several innuendos flying about like a scrotum sack that he and Jax had been together sexually in the past. Now, let me be absolutely clear: I have no issue with homosexuality in the slightest, but I’m gonna need to insist that John join those women I’ve banished to the field and start praying to absolve himself for the sin of being with a man like Jax – I mean Jason. Ugh, this name thing is confusing!