Vanderpump Rules Recap – 1/19/15

Back inside Sur, a restaurant diners must sign a release form upon entering, all of our regular players are back in action. Sandoval, Ariana, and Jax are behind the bar and Katie and Kristen are serving food and drinks. Kristen has gained the strength to sidle up to the bar Sandoval is working to place an order for a cocktail with sugar around the rim without falling into paroxysms of tears. Her newfound strength comes from her budding levels of delusion that she and Sandoval will find their way back into a relationship as soon as Ariana falls off the face of the earth or gets hit by that Mack truck that Kristen tried to use the Law of Attraction to mentally summon into being last week. Not able to comprehend this magnitude of psychosis, Ariana is feeling “cautiously optimistic” that maybe Kristen finally feels a sense of closure after the talk she had with Sandoval in Miami and she remains kind of unaware that the girl is plotting her bloody demise.

(I must say take I take some comfort in the fact that, as this lunacy has been captured on film, should Ariana go missing, at least the police will question Kristen first.)

Sitting outside the restaurant, Vail is joined by Peter, the manager of Sur. I caught up quickly to the fact that there was a lot of flirting going on, but it took me a while as I found myself staring at the screen, trying to figure out if Peter was wearing eyeliner. I think he was and I’d like to commend him for the precise application and the way it did not smudge in the California heat and I’d also like to know if he’d describe his own personal style as “pirate chic,” because I cannot look at that guy and not imagine a parrot sitting on his shoulder. But that parrot might have to vacate his landing spot because it’s looking like Vail might be swarming in now that she’s decided that Jax is not the right guy for her. You don’t say! It’s not as though there were any warning signs, so thank goodness for that Ivy League degree that helped her piece together the mind-numbing puzzle that the bartender in his mid-thirties who has the names of two girls tattooed forever on his body – a man who is rotten to his very core – might not be husband material. But before we give Vail any legitimate credit, let’s also acknowledge that she sort of let drop that something did happen with Jax in Miami, but she doesn’t quite remember the details.

And now I would like to start a new feature in my recaps and bring you Words of Wisdom from Vail: “Blackouts are God’s way of saying don’t worry about it.” That’s some healthy, rational life advice right there, but I’m reluctant to fully give Vail credit for it as I believe it’s an inspirational phrase she first heard at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting when Andy Dick served as the guest speaker.

Someone who would probably troll Narcotics Anonymous meetings looking for girls at their most vulnerable is Jax, but he’s skipped the meeting for the day to have lunch with his ex-girlfriend, Carmen. I want to like Carmen, I swear. She was direct in how she dealt with the piece of sh*t eating a cheeseburger in front of her by saying things like “I don’t trust you” and “You really hurt me.” And I wish I could commend her for not agreeing to be this tool’s date to Scheana’s wedding and for coming right out and declaring that she would not be spending the night with Jax. But the thing is, it’s kind of a forgone conclusion that she’ll give in after less than one cocktail – you can literally see the defeat settle into her eyes – and that means a man who says things like, “She’s the best sex I ever had and I’m the best sex she ever had, so why would she need anybody else?” will end up getting exactly what he wants, and that knowledge literally leaves me feeling queasy.

Another thing that almost forced me to stop watching and make some tummy-settling tea was watching Peter on a non-date with Vail. Oh, Peter. I’d like to start by giving you a few recommendations as you navigate these choppy dating waters. In no particular order, please consider the following suggestions for your future romantic endeavors:

1. Change how your bedroom appears to the untrained eye. Hang up your clothing. Put a comforter over the bare mattress. Because should you ever manage to get a girl to come back to your apartment, her first impression should not be that you’re a squatter who doesn’t actually live there.

2. Never take advice from Jax about anything unless it’s about which ointment most quickly cures an STD.

3. Stop believing that staring deeply into a girl’s eyes reads as romantic or suave – especially when that girl indicates that she is on a date with you due to being misinformed about the nature of the outing and looks like she’s there under duress.

He’s not a bad guy, Peter. But to the production staff who haul this gold onto our television screens like they are cute little leprechauns, I’d like to make a real request: can we please never watch two people on a first date – even one that’s a figment of one of the participant’s imaginations – because watching a first date is more awkward than being on one. And I’m speaking from the perspective of being a girl who once met up with a blind date and sat down and ate half of his guacamole and had a cocktail before realizing I was sitting with the wrong person and the guy I was supposed to be meeting up with was standing at the bar, staring at me puzzled. At that date was still less uncomfortable for me than watching Peter try to woo Vail.

That said, I appreciate that Vail comes prepared with an excuse so she can potentially remove herself from a tough situation, but I would also like to caution her that pulling out the “I’m a lesbian” card might not work as well as she thinks it will because most guys will get a little excited by such a prospect and that will turn you into more of a prize. Instead, I’d like to recommend that in the future she use the “I’m feeling really phlegmy” excuse because phlegm is a relatively universal turnoff and, out of all the men I’ve met over the years with odd fetishes, mucus has never been one of them.