Vanderpump Rules Recap – 1/19/15

January 20th, 2015 | 2 Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 3

Kristen, the walking equivalent of the yellow mucus you get on day three of bronchitis, is going on a hike with her friend and I literally sat straight up on my sofa in surprise that Kristen has a friend. This girl Rachel used to date Jax – shocking – and was the one who introduced Kristen to Sandoval all those light-years ago. Kristen tells Rachel that the girl Sandoval allegedly cheated on Ariana with in Miami that one time just texted her to let her know that she will soon be in LA and she wants to confront Sandoval in front of Ariana.

(I suppose it would be cynical and foolish of me to believe that this Miami girl might just want to be on camera, right? Because everybody waits until production is in full-swing before flying across the country to confront a guy you had a one-night stand with after contacting his damaged ex-girlfriend via social media.)

I find myself rather confused by this entire scenario and I blame my confusion on a combination of working brain synapses and sanity. I realize that I’m trying to figure out the motivations of a sociopath, but does Kristen’s broken brain really believe that Sandoval will come running back her after she helps to orchestrate a confrontation about an incident he has repeatedly denied? And does she believe that announcing to the world that Sandoval’s d*ck is teeny-weeny will serve as the kind of thing that will make him crave being with her again?

Kristen then shares this devious confrontation plan with her toddler boyfriend, and it’s becoming apparent that James is finally getting tired of his girlfriend’s obsession with her ex. James kind of rolls his eyes when Kristen says that she doesn’t mean to be acting like an Evil Queen – to which I actually said out loud, Bitch, please…at best you’re an Evil Chambermaid – and I think that James’ annoyance at the whole thing means Kristen will be single in the near future, which should terrify the male population at large. But I don’t worry about Kristen being alone for long because I’m already prepared for the day that she will invariably show up on The Millionaire Matchmaker. Bravo loves its cross-programing synchronicity and Patti Stanger might be the only person in the stratosphere who is more of an assh*le than Kristen, and though I’m off that show and have been for a few seasons now, I will tune in to that episode just to see the moment when Patti tells Kristen to get hair extensions to fill in her limp locks, which I suspect is caused by her hair falling out in clumps in the follicles’ attempt to distance themselves from the scalp of a crazy woman.

Also about to get some distance from crazy is Katie, who meets up for a drink with the girl who has been her best friend for years. Stassi has finally deigned to grace Katie with her presence and announces to some people that she loves a good apology so she shows up wearing the dress she thinks she looks best in while people grovel in her midst. Stassi’s belief about how the meeting will go lays out something like this: Katie should listen, shut her mouth, nod, and say she’s sorry for putting Stassi in an uncomfortable situation without even taking a millisecond to acknowledge that Katie has been uncomfortable for months having to work with all the people Stassi has put fatwas on.

Needless to say, the moment did not go as Stassi had planned. First of all, Katie showed up looking fantastic and not at all wounded by Stassi’s withholding of friendship. Second, she cut Stassi off from her verbal barrage by saying, “Shut the f*ck up, Stassi. It’s not always about you,” and I fully believe that hearing that sentence said to her face was as wounding as the day Stassi discovered Santa Claus wasn’t real because those words destroyed something Stassi has been allowed to believe in for far too long. And as Katie explained herself calmly and articulately, Stassi’s bravado deflated visibly and it’s really kind of sad that she brought all this on herself by never envisioning a time when people would finally become sick of her sh*t and turn away and embrace a world where they are able to talk to any person they damn well please.

And so, I would like to encourage every person reading this recap to hail the Emancipation of Katie, a girl who finally made the choice to stand up for herself. Losing a friend is very difficult, so I hope that Katie holds onto the newfound strength that she wears so well and – as she mentally eulogizes their currently-dead relationship – that she be careful not to engage in the Halo Effect wherein the absent person becomes a sparkly angel who only did kind deeds. But I also encourage her not to veer too much in the other direction and mentally turn Stassi into the worst person in the whole wide world in her mind either, because she’s not. Stassi is not a devil and she is not an angel. She is just a girl who hasn’t allowed herself to comprehend that controlling people never fully works, but perhaps one day, while she is living on Stassi Island and wearing a push-up bra and a statement necklace, she will finally come to her scattered senses and she will listen and shut her mouth and nod and actually murmur that she’s sorry.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

2 thoughts on “Vanderpump Rules Recap – 1/19/15

  1. Awesome! And, while I didn’t think anything could top Vanderpump, your recaps come close. Thanks, Dell. Do you think there’s any chance that these are indeed ‘characters’ that have been written vs actual people? Yikes! Probably not. Oh, and your personal story about the blind date was hilarious. It feeds into my personal fear of blind dates that I’ll walk up to the wrong person and look like an idiot.

  2. Excellent excellent recap – humour and insight! I will look forward to reading each week.

    When Vail spoke those words of wisdom I paused the show and basked in the brilliance of them – and thought about how much they would have helped me in University. Probably one of the best lines I’ve heard in a long time off a reality show. Haha.

    Though I may disagree with you on one thing – you think Peter the pirate, and I see Peter with his ponytail and think there is a p0rn0 calling his name somewhere – at the very least, the cover of a romance novel.

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