Vanderpump Rules Recap – 3/2/15

In the arid desert air, Jax isn’t the only one who is happy; the entire staff of Sur gets off on having their picture taken, which should surprise exactly nobody since “being inhibited” is not really the first qualification for somebody who chooses to appear on a reality show. They all get attired in stereotypical fifties outfits, meaning that there’s a lot of leather and a few scarves tied around necks and guys wearing white tees as though they are the reincarnated version of James Dean, except this version has no talent. But at least some of them get to puff away on cigarettes because the prop makes sense for the shoot’s concept, and that’s a f*cking relief to the people who are about to face off with enemies they (idiotically) believed to be friends as a still camera snaps pictures and a film camera rolls and they are all dressed like they work at a low-rent offshoot of Jack Rabbit Slims – which reminds me that I really need to spend more time watching Tarantino films instead of Bravo programming.

Sandoval’s day starts off really well. He discusses the products he typically uses – Clinique Bronzer for Men, in case any guys who are reading this are hoping to embrace a more masculine side – but the joy brought about by the voluminous mascara that he gets to wear is fleeting. After the first round of pictures are complete, Scheana approaches him with the news that Jax recently announced to a tableful of people that Sandoval did in fact have sex with Miami Girl many months ago, despite Sandoval repeatedly denying the story. Sandoval is furious about a lot of things as a result, the biggest being Jax’s latest betrayal and the fact that it allows Kristen to have “ammo” against him in her Quest for Truth, which incidentally will be the name of the movie that she’ll star in that will take place entirely in her own mind once she is sent to live inside of a padded room forever.

Scheana is concerned about this new/old reveal about Sandoval maybe-possibly-probably cheating on her best friend. She tells him that it looks like the wheels in his head are turning, which makes her believe that there’s some truth to the story; plus, according to Scheana, Jax has been on kind of a “truth kick” lately.

(Quick public service message: if you currently have anybody in your life whose recent behavior illustrates a shocking newfound ability to be honest, kick that person out of your life immediately. Being able to tell the truth should not be a new trick for any adult. It’s not like all of a sudden learning how to ride a unicycle.)

After the chat with Scheana, Sandoval then has to stand there and pose with his arch nemesis/best friend, and Sandoval looks pissed. Jax, of course, has no expression whatsoever because he has absolutely no capacity to feel guilt – though that lack of expression could also be due to all the Botox. The fury coursing through Sandoval’s veins causes him to flush far more effectively than any bronzer on the market could manage and it all reminds him of last year’s photoshoot and how terrible it had been to be in the same physical space as Jax just after it was revealed that Jax and Kristen had sex while she was in a relationship with Sandoval – while Sandoval was actually sleeping in the next room. I’d really like nothing more than to see Sandoval finally break and sweat off all of his makeup and shove Jax into a cactus face-first and then tie him to that cactus and leave him there overnight so he will be ravaged by coyotes, but I can’t see any of that happening. Instead, what I’m expecting is that Sandoval’s mouth will grow tight with unspoken anger and that maybe he will tear up and that Ariana will ignore the accusations lobbed against her boyfriend anyway and that next year we will watch Jax and Sandoval go out for cheap beers because they are still best friends – and the whole thing is so very confusing to watch when you are a person who values traits in friends like loyalty, compassion, and not going down on the person I’m in love with in my own living room.

Back at the shoot in the sweltering heat, the group has changed into bathing suits and they pose around an empty swimming pool, which I suppose could be a far-reaching metaphor about the emptiness within so many of them, but that could just be me searching for meaning that doesn’t actually exist in an effort to combat my continued frustration about not knowing what is inside Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase. (F*ck, I need to go watch Pulp Fiction again right now, even though it’s a movie that I know by heart because anything would be better than watching James say, “People might think I’m just a busboy with mad DJ skills, but I’ve got the look, too,” which is then followed by a snapshot of him pouting for the camera that I really appreciated because I needed a good laugh and the tools that I’d normally use to extract my own retinas have gone mysteriously missing. I suspect Kristen.)

But before I can decide if it’s Marcellus Wallace’s soul in that attaché case, first I get to watch Scheana tell Ariana about all that she has learned about Sandoval’s possible indiscretion, and the look of dread that crosses Ariana’s face as her best friend confronts her with this news on camera in front of a hairdresser is quite sad to see. Ariana maintains that Jax is not a believable source and that Sandoval is not a liar or a cheater, to which Scheana tells her that he has been both in the past.

“How long did it take him to tell Kristen about you and him?” she asks. “Years?” And then she tells Ariana that she believes that something happened in Miami, which causes Ariana to get really annoyed.

“Tom and I don’t have the type of relationship where we invite other people into our problems,” states Ariana, and I like Ariana because she has proven herself to be relatively sane, which is all it really takes to get me to appreciate someone on this show. But the thing is, she is on a reality show with her boyfriend and his vengeance-spewing out-for-platelets ex-girlfriend and the whole thing is televised, so you can’t really maintain that your relationship is just between the two of you.

That ship has sailed.

Being direct and, I suppose, a good friend, Scheana asks if Ariana believes the story and when Ariana says that she does not, Scheana promises that she will never bring the issue up again and the matter appears to be closed, at least until Kristen comes back later and tries to hack through that closed matter with a meat cleaver.

Away from the lies and the anger that is permeating the desert air – along with the unrelenting coating of cologne you just know James marinates himself in each morning – is Schwartz. He goes to see his therapist on his own – well, with a camera crew, but that’s negligible, right? – and he’s there to discuss his fears about marriage, something that is not playing well at home because Katie wants a ring immediately. The therapist validates his fears and he says how much he loves Katie and the issue is not at all resolved.

Over at the Pink Motel, the shoot is still underway, and I have to wonder where these pictures will end up being displayed besides on the front of my next Christmas card. But before I can decide whether or not the envelope will be stuffed with mini golden Jaxes that will land all over your floor when you open the card and then get stuck there for a year – much like several rashes I’m going to guess that Jax himself might have suffered from – Sandoval approaches the man who continues to betray him and asks him to talk. Jax has the gall to look annoyed by the confrontation and he acts as though he has no idea what Sandoval is talking about.

“It keeps being brought up,” Sandoval tells Jax about the rumors about him, his one-of-a-kind d*ck, and the girl in Miami.

“By who?” asks Jax, playing dumber than he actually is before sighing and saying repeatedly, “I don’t care,” which is, of course, the mantra they teach you at the first meeting of the Sociopaths United.

Jax, you see, is a founding member of the organization.

By the time Ariana walks over to discuss the issue, Jax throws up his hands and walks away, muttering about why he is involved and why “they don’t have the balls to talk to each other about it,” which is a funny thing for a man with symbolically-shriveled gonads to say.