Vanderpump Rules Recap – 3/2/15

Once the photoshoot for nothing is complete, Lisa invites Stassi to come meet her at Sur, which works out nicely for both of them. Stassi can meet her shooting requirements and eat a fried ball of goat cheese and Lisa can use her producer status to get Stassi to come to the anniversary party for Sur, just in case the already-invited guests are not up to creating enough conflict. Lisa also wants Stassi to talk to Katie, telling her that Katie has been a good friend, and Stassi agrees to show up.

Also invited to the party is Kristen, though that was a wrangled invite at best. As she chooses a red dress to wear and makes a comment about how she is wearing the color because she is the devil – which is really letting herself off the hook far too easily – she also has these words of foreshadowy wisdom to impart about her goals of the evening: “Tonight is just about proving that Tom is a cheater and a f*cking liar. They might think I’m an assh*le, but they’re gonna know that Sandoval is an assh*le, too.”

Cheers to saying this pathetic sentence in front of your adolescent boyfriend about a man you claim to be over before you arrive at a party nobody wants you to attend!

James seems cautiously optimistic about the night ahead of him – which proves he’s a moron – by saying, “I’m trusting Kristen not to cause a scene and not to act completely mental.” My first thought centers on what, pray tell, is the difference between Kristen acting “typically mental” and “completely mental,” and my second thought is that I really hope that James gets to one day utter that exact same sentence at Kristen’s manslaughter trial.

At Sur, the guests all arrive including Vail, who flirts with both Jax and Peter because she has nothing else to do and Giggy, who is resplendent in blue. As Ariana and Tom walk in, Kristen rolls her eyes and sends a text to either her one friend Rachel or to the pen pal she got in the fifth grade who has never met her and doesn’t know how insane she is, though the pen pal does know the distinguishing features on Sandoval’s penis.

Maybe Sandoval’s penis is in the briefcase…

When Stassi walks in with Kristina, Scheana is far from happy to see her and makes a rather cutting comment about how Stassi has no job and therefore has to go where there’s an open bar. It actually reminds me of the kind of thing that Stassi would have said – though I think she would have said it with a bit more of a deadpan flair – and it’s too bad that these two women have total scorn for one another because they’ve actually got some sh*t in common.

It’s a little strange to watch Stassi do a shot with Kristen – a girl who legitimately betrayed her – but it’s more disturbing to watch Kristina, the ultimate Vanderpumper wannabe, tell Stassi that if Katie valued her friendship, she would have stood up and come over to greet her, which would be an odd thing for someone to do after being systematically ignored for making a choice that Stassi didn’t sanction. It’s almost painful to see the lengths that Kristina will go to in order to kiss Stassi’s ass and I worry that Kristina is tall and she will have to bend over in order to give that rectum a good smooch and I hope that she doesn’t hurt her back because back spasms are the worst. I’d also like to suggest that if Kristina really wants to nab herself a permanent spot on this show, she should start a rumor that she had sex with Sandoval, but I hope she gets creative and doesn’t say that the anal sex (that’s right, Kristina! Raise the bar!) happened in Miami because Miami is so played out. Maybe she can say the bondage-style anal sex threesome with the albino midget happened in one of the Dakotas.

Those states get so little exposure.

Eventually, Stassi does go over to speak to Katie and they sit down together in a somewhat private area where they discuss how sad it is that things between them are so awkward.

“It’s only awkward because you’ve made it awkward,” says Katie, reiterating that she hasn’t done anything wrong. “If you had taken an interest in anybody besides yourself, you would realize that,” she states.

Stassi is stunned. She thought that Katie would just apologize to her and that they could move on, and it’s right there that we get a window into the World of Stassi, a stratosphere in which people have always apologized to her, even when they were right. I’m wondering if what we can glean from this bit of information is that, in the past, Stassi chose to hang out with people far less intelligent and far less strong than she is, perhaps as a way of maintaining full control. That she has finally moved away from the majority of those people maybe shows some growth on her part – or it just proves that she is and always was a power-hungry b*tch. At any rate, Katie is right when she says that she is allowed to have changed her mind about people, something Stassi has done as well, but it’s too bad that their friendship is over because they both seem to have some decent qualities.

Over on the other side of the restaurant, Kristen greets Lisa with a double kiss and tells her, “I’m great,” which is potentially the least believable two words ever said out loud by an alleged human. Lisa tells us in an interview that she hopes that Kristen will evolve now that she’s left Sur, to which I believe ever conscious viewer responded with, “Not a f*cking chance.”

To the partially-evolved species in the red dress before her, Lisa says, “I hope there won’t be any trouble tonight,” to which the scientific marvel whose very existence might cause the ghost of Darwin to descend upon us to weep says, “If Tom weren’t a cheating liar there would be no trouble.”

I think I’ve watched the evolution of a sea monkey with more hope and expectation.

Lisa tells Kristen that if she were truly doing great, she wouldn’t care at all about Tom and Ariana and she actually implores Kristen to make things right with them, which is asinine advice that causes me to remember once again that Lisa is a producer of this show and that perhaps she promised the Bravo executives that there’s a good chance that this season could end with a murder.

Continuing the poor behavior by Lisa – a woman I usually herald as exquisite – she sees Stassi as she’s leaving and tries to get her to stay and speak to Jax. Stassi is having none of that and she looks physically shaky at the thought of having to exchange words with her former boyfriend, which Lisa finds ridiculous. Lisa is wrong here; Stassi and Jax are not a relationship that needs mending or closure. Stassi needs to never be around these people again. It’s not that she’s so great and they don’t measure up to her. It’s that they are toxic for her and avoiding anything poisonous seems to be the intelligent road to take.

Outside, Kristina joins Stassi and hugs her as Stassi repeats, “I shouldn’t have come here,” and she’s right. She should be anywhere else. Stassi has not behaved perfectly over the last few seasons by a long shot. She has been selfish and manipulative and nasty and the people who hate her probably have good reason to feel that way. And watching the montage of Stassi walking away and Ariana, Sandoval, Schwartz, Katie, and Scheana happily call her out for acting like a tiara-wearing princess and pretending as though her birthday should be considered a national holiday and for her “corny statement necklaces,” it’s clear that those people have a point. But when Jax finished that sequence by silently waving goodbye to her with a sneering and disgusting look on his face, the whole thing made my skin crawl and I am tempted to shrug out of that skin and then mail it to Stassi so she can use it as an organic material for her next necklace.

Stassi should take comfort in her decision to leave most of these people behind, and should she ever falter in that way of thinking, she should watch the next scene play on a loop until she either regains her resolve or goes spontaneously blind. It is the scene in which Sandoval approaches Jax and asks if they can talk outside and Schwartz comes along as well, though I’m guessing his purpose is to serve as chewy, yummy eye-candy, because Schwartz says nothing throughout.