Vanderpump Rules Recap – 3/9/15

March 10th, 2015 | No Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 3

Also trying to prepare herself for yet another experience in which she is The Most Hated Woman In The Whole Room is Kristen, whom we first see as she sits with her hair in rollers. I’m wondering if those rollers are created by the same company that makes the placebo pills that come in my birth control packet since neither one of them work, but that’s really an investigation for another day. Today I must focus on the fact that, as she is getting dolled up, Kristen utters the words: “Somebody needs to get called out on their bullsh*t,” which I think probably means that this girl has officially devolved into a madwoman so completely that she is now speaking about herself in the third person. Also, I’m relatively sure that it’s one of her pubes that is in the part of the beard that resides right near the corner of Jax’s lip and the whole thing has finally allowed me to realize that I do have limits when it comes to being skeeved out by things other than vomit.

In the very first wide shot of the entire cast, we see that Kristen is gripping the shit out of James’ inner thigh, and I think it’s mildly hilarious that he is her ally and that she wishes him luck. They should really be wishing one another luck for so many other reasons, no? Anyhoo, in the first few minutes we learn that Sandoval and Ariana are living together, but until she gets him to forgo those ridiculous bowties, I will not be sending them a Keurig or a melon baller as a housewarming gift; Kristen still comes into Sur frequently, but I’m sure it’s not so she can continue to stalk her ex-boyfriend and anyone who thinks such a thing is wrong and just jealous of how perfect Kristen’s life is; Katie has long extensions and no ring on her finger; Schwartz looks yummy but I’d like to file an official complaint that he’s not wearing his cute little glasses, which my Schwartz Doll wears all the time, even when I submerge him in a bubble bath; and Scheana has had more Botox to prevent all of those pesky wrinkles that set in somewhere around the age of twenty-four. We also learn that Stassi will be joining the group at some point soon and I very much expect that she will saunter in lugging a statement necklace behind her and that we will all get to watch her interact with Jax, which is a scenario I could go to my deathbed without ever having to witness. See, as nasty a person as Stassi can be, nobody is worse than Jax so there’s very little of a chance that she will not come out of any debate with him on top since she’s not the most repulsive being with opposable thumbs that the world has ever seen and she can form sentences that are not completely constructed from badly told lies.

It’s during these Reunion shows where I remember just how smarmy Andy Cohen can be. I get that this is his job, but I also understand that he created this job for himself. He poses question after question to idiots while arranging his face into either a smirk or a dazed and blank expression that still manages to read as haughty and yes, these people deserve to be in this position because they have chosen to engage in and to profit from participating in this odd form of a televised life that gets edited by a team of people who have anything but their best interests at heart, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t react to it all with a teensy bit of disgust.

I’ll shake off that disgust quickly though; I’ve prepared some festive appetizers for this event programming and my spinach and artichoke dip is not going to consume itself.

Brought up almost immediately is that pesky little event during which Jax and Kristen had sex (twice) while she was with Sandoval and while he was Sandoval’s best friend. All that happened last season, of course, but much like the seismic waves created by earthquakes or a Cyclops, everyone is still feeling the effects. Actually, only Kristen is feeling the aftershocks of a situation where she had herself some company and Mr. Cohen would like to know how it is that Sandoval has been able to forgive Jax.

“He didn’t do it out of maliciousness or spite,” Sandoval explains. “He did it out of insecurity,” to which men and women watching this show across this vast hemisphere roared with laughter at how stupid Sandoval is and then we all nodded our heads solemnly because it looks like what Ariana said during the last episode was entirely correct: she is the smartest person she knows!

But James is about to give Ariana some fierce competition for the Wisdom Bowl (the prize is a crown weaved together from the leftover pubic hair Jax didn’t need for his beard) by offering up his own belief system that might very well help explain the dastardly and repulsive deeds committed by Jax and the woman with whom James is inexplicably in love. It’s not that Jax is insecure or that Kristen is a woman who cannot tolerate gluten or morality; it’s just that hot people like f*cking other hot people.

There’s just so much for me to comment on right here, but in order to save some time, I will make a brief list of my reaction to James’ scintillating viewpoint:

1. What does the word “attractive” mean? Because now I believe that I have clearly been misinformed about that particular vocabulary word for my entire life. Thank goodness, though, that I have a complete understanding of the words “asinine moron” and “personification of a leaky douchebag.”
2. If the word “attractive” can be legitimately applied to Kristen, here’s what I have to say about that: I never found Kristen to be all that pretty, but under no circumstances did I used to find her to be markedly unattractive. But I think that she is a prototypical example of how one’s ugly actions can cause a decent appearance to morph into pure hideousness. It’s legitimately hard for me to look at her now and it’s not because her appearance has actually changed; she just reads as gross to me. And I’d feel genuinely badly for saying that if she wasn’t tied for Worst Person In All Of The Land with Jax.
3. The look of dumbfounded appreciation that immediately flashed across Andy Cohen’s face when James said something so pathetic was absolutely priceless. In fact, I just decided that I will be getting ornaments made that have all of the expressions Andy Cohen makes during Bravo Reunion specials festooned upon them and I will hang them across my Christmas tree next winter because nothing speaks of blessings and good tidings more than Andy Cohen’s Are You Really That F*cking Stupid? face. Mazel!
4. As James tried to explain himself, I had a good opportunity to take a full gander at him and here’s something I know for sure: James’ face looks like it was constructed entirely from the skin of an infant’s ass. Now, I’m not positive about whether or not it’s the lighting or the fact that he is in front of a blue backdrop that is reflecting shadows in odd ways or because he is sitting beside Kristen, but I feel like I’m staring at a pale, poreless moon. And I also believe that I have solved the mystery of the origin of James’ chin dimple: I think that it is entirely possible that dimple was formed when Kristen stepped on his face once while wearing a stiletto after James asked her not to say Sandoval’s name during sex, but don’t worry: James took full blame for her actions because he left his face open and because he once told her that he really liked those shoes.

But James’ ridiculous comment might have done the trick, because the focus shifted from Jax and Kristen potentially creating a demonic spawn to Sandoval and the incident that might have occurred between and him and Miami Girl. I feel the need to say that it’s very strange that viewers of a reality show are supposed to care about events that were never filmed. In my opinion, Sandoval probably did hook up with that girl and regretted it immediately and Ariana either doesn’t believe it happened or has chosen to get over it and I can’t really imagine why anyone else is supposed to care. I know that the Jax/Kristen thing also happened off-camera, but that was different. That scenario involved cheating on both boyfriends and girlfriends and best friends so viewers had somewhat of a stake in what happened in relationships that we’d already classified as damaged. But here? Who cares? Nobody knows who this Miami Girl is and Ariana and Sandoval seem really happy. And though I don’t believe him for a second, I found it sweet when Schwartz clearly stated that Sandoval did not cheat on Ariana because loyalty is nice to watch in the way James doing anything is torture to watch.

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