Vanderpump Rules Recap – 3/9/15

March 10th, 2015 | No Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 3

I would think that I’d enjoy the moments when James attempts to put Jax in his place, but it’s really just example after example of the abominable leading the despicable. Who can a girl root for in a James/Jax showdown? If I have to place my loyalty somewhere, I guess I’ll root for James’ low-cut tank top which manages to show off more cleavage than any shirt I own and let’s just say that I’m not the shyest girl in the world. I did laugh when Jax tried to shut James down by saying, “Shut the f*ck up. You’ve been here for five minutes,” meaning he has been a Vanderpumper for eons longer than James has, and it’s comforting that I can definitively identify the saddest sentence I’ve heard in over a month.

The next segment becomes all about Jax once again, which means that I need to completely forgo the spinach and artichoke dip lest I begin to convulse from all of the images dancing across my television screen of the terrible poker face on a man who looks alarmingly like an intoxicated ram. I realize he’s not particularly bright, but I cannot help but be continuously stunned by the fact that such a relentless liar has no ability to hide an expression of guilt. As it’s brought up that he lied about Carmen and Tiffany knowing about one another and while he sort of maintains that he didn’t have sex with that random girl in the sink in the bathroom of the suite in San Diego or that he didn’t sleep with that guy back in his South Beach days, his expressions veer from terrified grimacing to staring at the floor to the side of his face twitching. All in all, it’s hard to believe that his name is even Jax.

Oh, wait…

Talk then turns to the group’s sojourn to the balmy setting of Miami, and it’s around this point when Kristen reveals with a tremor in her voice that she felt like she was walking on eggshells the entire time. I’m guessing that her staunch desire to be liked is the reason for all of the kindness and compassion she exhibited during that trip, because nothing says “tread carefully” more than wishing a violent death caused by a very large truck on the bride’s maid of honor. And speaking of Ariana – who stated at least three times that she was mortified to have claimed to be the smartest person she knows – when she defended Sandoval about the cheating allegations, it appeared that Kristen needed to grab a bag and begin to breathe heavily into it because seeing such devotion could possibly kill her even though James lets all of us know some wonderful news that I totally believe: Kristen is completely over Sandoval and she and James are head over heels in love with one another, though it sucked for him to watch his girlfriend wipe the tears off of her ex-boyfriend’s face in Miami, but who cares because they are the happiest couple in the whole wide world as long as it’s a world ravaged by an apocalypse.

It’s still brought up though – again – about whether or not Sandoval and Ariana slept together while he was with Kristen. Both of them deny it and Lisa jumps in to maintain that she saw no sign that there was anything questionable going on but Kristen refuses to believe this version of the facts because doing so might mean that she has to take most of the accountability for why the relationship of her dreams (and our nightmares) blew up in her smirking face. Still, she has these poignant words about the matter: “There’s three truths – my truth, his truth, and the actual truth,” to which Sandoval, without hesitation, responds, “Your truth exists only in your mind, Kristen,” and that made me want to hug Sandoval, but mostly so I can get close enough to him to rip off that fucking bowtie.

The end of the Reunion (part one anyway, which makes me wail to the darkened skies, “Dear God, how many parts is this Reunion going to be anyway and is there any chance it could end with a public lynching of Jax – and might that lynching occur in New York?”) is all about the return of Stassi and before she walks onto the set, we are treated to some wonderful moments including her downing a mini bottle of liquor in the makeup trailer – which now makes it official that I have never seen Stassi appear on television without having ingested some alcohol – and Sandoval taking bets on whether or not she will walk out. I’d like to put twenty dollars on the likelihood that Stassi will eventually toss her hair and walk out and another fifty bucks on the likelihood that Jax’s piss is currently a dark shade of green.

Before she arrives, we are treated to some footage of Stassi refusing to speak to Katie after Katie chose to go to Miami with the people she has to work with every single day, and Stassi’s levels of bitchery are even worse in retrospect. Andy Cohen asks Schwartz about Katie’s reaction to Stassi’s friendship freeze and Schwartz states that she was distraught. Lisa then jumps in to say how ridiculous Stassi’s judgment of Katie was and commends Katie for breaking free from a friend who wanted to keep her subservient, but I think my very favorite moment was when Lisa said that we had all witnessed “the emancipation of Katie,” which was literally the title of one of my blog posts months ago, though my phrasing sounds way better with a crisp English accent.

Immediately before she walks onstage, Jax says that he will always love Stassi and he will always be there for her and he also intimates that she is going through some really terrible stuff these days, of which there is no elaboration and maybe there won’t ever be – until the day arrives when Jax feels the need to deflect some blame away from himself. And then the girl who hates everyone is introduced and she kisses Andy Cohen on the cheek and takes her seat wearing a gingham dress a stylist who obviously loathes her chose and when the question is broached about why she took such pains to ignore Jax during filming, the girl’s got some good points. She explains that Jax is a known liar who creates stories about people and she refuses to willingly put herself in a position where such a lie will be constructed about her and she has respect for her boyfriend, who would not appreciate watching his girlfriend interacting with her ex-boyfriend. At that comment, Sandoval jumps in to say that he has heard rumors that Stassi’s boyfriend threatened to break up with her if he ever saw her in a room with Jax, which makes me want to find that guy and shake his hand for being normal and wanting to keep his girlfriend from contracting anything else Jax might currently be carrying.

“Do you feel like you genuinely care about these people?” Andy Cohen asks Stassi.

“No,” she replies.

And that’s when it comes out that Jax would have liked to have some closure with her, to which she tells him that she owes him nothing, and – again – she’s right! This guy is almost a cartoon character of awfulness, and regardless of how bitchy she can be, she should never have to sit across from him ever again. It is also revealed that the only person (I’m using that word loosely) in the room Stassi is currently speaking to is Kristen, which Katie says is due to the fact that they have a very important thing in common: they both hate the same people, which every (psychotic) person knows is the most important attribute in a friendship. Kristen also alludes to The Traumatic Things That Ought Not Be Mentioned about whatever it is that Stassi is going through, and that’s when Stassi says to the group, “If any of you had actually reached out to me…” before Schwartz cuts her bullsh*t off by telling her that he did reach out to her before finding out that Stassi has blocked his calls, texts, and emails because she is a total coward.

“I’m not a bad person,” Stassi maintains to a group populated by some very bad people. “I have feelings too. I will always love Katie,” which is a sentence that causes Katie to look directly at her former best friend and say, “You dispose of people like they’re nothing, like they’re things, and you have no concern for their feelings.” It’s a harsh thing to say and it’s probably a harsher thing to have to hear, but it seems like it’s rather accurate.

But perhaps the most accurate comment made to Stassi was one by Scheana. Now, there’s no love lost between these two painted girls and I think it’s funny that Scheana believes that Stassi doesn’t like her because Scheana was friends with Kristen after Kristen betrayed Stassi – which Scheana views as a completely hypocritical stance now that Stassi and Kristen are friendly again. I think it’s far more likely that Stassi just doesn’t like Scheana and finds her kind of tacky and annoying, but none of that matters. What does matter is that Scheana kind of sums up who Stassi has portrayed herself as publicly for three seasons, someone who is incapable of being nice about anything that doesn’t center around herself. If Stassi is not pleased with that assessment, she should either change completely as a person (I hear nunneries are currently hiring) or stay the hell off of this show where only her very worst attributes come out to play.

Based on the previews, next week we can expect to hear more about Sandoval’s inimitable d*ck (after all this publicity, he should really create a mold of that thing and sell it beside the fleshlights of the drugged and mildly famous); Jax’s new tattoo of Stassi’s entire face that is covering his bicep; Schwartz potentially proposing to Katie – though if he hands her a necklace, I genuinely fear for his safety; and everybody screaming, “Shut the f*ck up!” each and every time Kristen or James attempt to say anything, which is the kind of footage I could watch on an endless loop and I will now go make my ringtone.

Until next week’s carnage, my friends!

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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