Vanderpump Rules Recap – 3/16/15

March 17th, 2015 | 2 Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 3

It was right about here when Andy Cohen decides to ask Jax about why he felt so compelled to help destroy the relationship between Katie and Schwartz. Who else briefly chanted to some deity that Jax would simply answer, “Because I’m an assh*le” and then that expression would get caught in his throat and become the only sentence he was able to utter forevermore? Alas, my nonreligious nature might have caused my prayers to fail, as Jax admits that he made it his business to meddle in their relationship and then manages to look almost ashamed for his behavior. I’d take a moment to consider that perhaps he has changed, but I’m not a f*cking moron.

Next in the hot seat is Schwartz, who is asked why he did not immediately confess both times he’d cheated on his girlfriend and he answers pretty honestly, saying that he was afraid she’d break up with him. It’s also reiterated that he only kissed both girls, an allegation James scoffs at by saying, “A thirty-two year old is not just going to kiss some girl,” and then every single person in the vicinity attempted to verbally maul Baby James and it was great fun to watch.

Asked if she has ever cheated on Schwartz, Katie said no, but there was a very long beat of silence before her denial that caused me to wonder if she is telling the truth. That said, I do believe her and I’m starting to wonder if maybe I was just hallucinating her extra moment of silence due to the fact that I got very little sleep this weekend and perhaps I just went momentarily narcoleptic. As I came out of my haze, I realized that Andy Cohen was commenting on how much Katie has grown, a sentiment shared by Lisa who expresses great affection for Katie and we see a flashback to the time Lisa softly told her, “Never settle for second best,” and there was something in those words that hit me hard too and it’s for reasons like that one – and because she looked around the room and said, “I love most of them” as her eyes swept passed the apparition that is Kristen – that continues my adoration streak for the glorious Ms. Vanderpump.

But let’s be serious: this season was not about Katie’s personal growth. This season was about Kristen losing her entire mind; Jax being the friend who should always be last picked in dodgeball – before everybody, including the people on his own team, heave a ball straight at his head; Stassi being above the fray; and finding out what the f*ck is on Sandoval’s d*ck that makes it the most identifiable d*ck on ether coast. So again came the story of Miami Girl, and I’d wager my future firstborn on the hunch that she held herself a little viewing party for the Reunion because girlfriend strikes me as the kind of person who likes to pretend that she’s a star.

Sandoval has just about had it with this storyline, and he looks like he wants to punch a wall or fashion his bowtie into a noose when Andy Cohen says, “It seems like her smoking gun is the description of your genitalia.” And even after that line and a season’s buildup about a penis that I have imagined in the following ways – triangle shaped, pierced, covered in hairy moles, and tri-colored – we are never given clarification about the unique nature of his d*ck and nobody even asks him to whip it out like they did Jax’s tattoo and I call foul.

Sandoval explains that Miami Girl’s story made no sense since she claimed to have her period that night and every person in that room knows he hates f*cking a girl when she’s on the rag. But when he begins to laugh at her story about how he went down on her twice, that’s when Lisa can’t take anymore, and really, if we have learned anything this season it’s that Lisa hates talk of going down on a girl who has her period, the word cl*t, and Kristen’s very existence on the planet.

Maybe sensing that Lisa just remembered how much she despises Kristen, Andy asks Kristen how it felt to get fired and she starts with some response about how she walked in the room and she saw her bosses and she sort of rolled her eyes and that’s when Lisa bluntly asks, “What did you expect? To get the best section in the restaurant? You told your manager to f*ck off and to go suck a d*ck!” Kristen has the momentary ability to look chastened by Lisa’s words, and she tells Andy that it’s better that she’s not there anymore. Andy then brings up that there were celebrations that occurred – even amongst the chefs! – when Kristen left, and she just shrugs and says, “No sweat,” while she reminded herself to set a mental alarm clock so she can get up every hour on the hour to sew another voodoo doll of somebody who has wronged her before creating a nice little diorama in the corner of James’ apartment that shows everyone who hates her being run over by a truck.

Andy then turns his attention to Scheana and asks her about her wedding and why she went for a dress that had a crop top.

“It was me,” Scheana says proudly. “I don’t think anyone else here would wear anything like it,” and then she continues on to say that her gown has already appeared on Instagram and that other girls are wearing it and during the entire thing, the camera keeps cutting to a close-up of Stassi’s face and it appears that she is simultaneously biting her own tongue in half and thinking about how sad it is to be an orphan to stop herself from laughing. But when Andy asks Stassi if she feels badly for making fun of the crop top, things get nuts because Stassi all of a sudden asks if he wants to know the real reason she hates Scheana and out comes some story that’s been relatively hidden from public view until Stassi outs herself.

Seems some ex-boyfriend of Stassi’s – who is not Jax, which left me stunned – has some footage of them having sex and he walked into SUR and showed it to everyone and Scheana watched it. Scheana tries to explain that she did watch it and she apologized to Stassi for doing so but that she did it so she would know what was on it because this guy was making all kinds of claims. The whole thing feels icky to even listen to, though I can’t help but think that if a tape existed of someone else, Stassi would be the very first to sneer. I also can’t help but acknowledge that Scheana never said a single word about any of it on camera, so maybe she’s not the person Stassi should concentrate on hating the most.

Anyway, my guess is that perhaps it was the sex tape that was the root of Stassi’s Problem – an ABC Afterschool Special that is coming soon – and I can’t help but feel just the teensiest bit disappointed. I had my hopes pegged on the unitard thing.

It’s then that Andy declares that they’re taking a five-minute break. Sandoval lurches up to either run outside to smoke or to go apply more Clinique Bronzer For Men while the girls and Andy get their makeup reapplied. I was torn between which was my favorite of the interlude moments – Andy having an intern hold up his phone in front of his face while a makeup artist provided him with some contouring or Stassi turning to Katie and saying, “Katie, you’re really, like, I’m telling you you’re crossing a line,” and her eloquence was stated like a threat.

“I don’t care,” replies Katie. “We’re not friends anymore.”

“I will continue to be the bigger person,” Stassi states grandly, to which Katie rolls her eyes and said, “You do that because you’re so mature, Stassi. I was a really good friend to you.”

These two? They are done until they both stumble into their mid-thirties and start to feel nostalgic for how awesome it was when they both hated the same people.

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