Back on the air – and now contoured to perfection – Andy Cohen raises the Sex in Miami question one more time, and I swear that if I have to hear about something that might or might not have happened between two people – one of whom is not even on this show but might now snag herself a Tampax campaign – I am going to lose my sh*t. But at least this time Andy sets his focus on Jax’s involvement, raising the issue that Jax clearly told Kristen that the sex “one hundred percent” happened and then maintained to Sandoval the very next day that he had never said one single solitary word.
“Yeah,” was this barbarian’s response, and for another minute or so it was his only response. He eventually adds that he has no idea what happened; he wasn’t even there! He was at CVS buying beer and he’s basing his truth off what Miami Girl told him.
Sensing that someone else might appear to be more internally ravaged than she is on a minute-by-minute basis, Kristen jumps into the discussion.
“So maybe the root of all these problems isn’t necessarily me,” she says in her best haughty voice that she practices in the mirror sometimes while pretending that the reflection that she stares hard at is Sandoval.
Everybody else’s response to Kristen’s declaration? They laugh – at her. And when James kind of steps in to say something disparaging about Jax – get in f*cking line, James – Jax responds by saying that he is going to “wreck” the kid after the Reunion and see, here I’m torn because I have never witnessed a fight where I have longed for both people to be pummeled beyond recognition, but I guess new experiences are growing experiences and I shall embrace the coming slaughter.
Clearly elbowing his way to a front row seat, Andy asks Jax why he can’t seem to get it up to have any remorse for being proven to be such a sexist-egotistical-lying-hypocritical bigot. (All hail the 1980’s classic 9 to 5! Who knew it would remain so very timely?) Jax responds that he does feel remorse, and to prove it he turns to Sandoval and Ariana and asks them how many times he has arrived at their apartment in the dead of the night sobbing his eyes out.
I’m just going to say that if that scenario has happened more than one time, Sandoval and Ariana need to move – to Guam.
But when pressed, Jax can’t hold on to total accountability, so he begins to once again act like his tendency and desire to destroy everything and everyone in his path is really not a big deal.
“Nobody died, nobody got pregnant, nobody got divorced,” he recites like a cult member chanting what he has convinced himself to believe and it was my very favorite moment of the entire Reunion when Andy Cohen reacted to Jax’s idiotic proclamation by gazing at him with a look of total and complete disgust.
I have found my new screensaver!
The last segment is about whether Schwartz is getting ready to propose to Katie, as his six-month ultimatum is quickly about to expire. Schwartz stammers that he’s getting closer and then he picks up Katie’s hand and makes it seem as though he is about to propose to her but instead he puts his own ring on her finger and I was very disappointed, but not because those two aren’t engaged; I’m just devastated Schwartz wears a pinky ring.
That’s it – I’m cutting all the hair off of my Schwartz Doll as a punishment. I hope he will learn from this tragic experience.
At the very end, Andy asks Stassi if she will ever see these people again and she responds, “I’m really excited to get up and walk out of this room.” I can’t fully root for Stassi – or at least the Stassi on this show because she is has tried so hard to be a Disney villain that it’s ridiculous, but I hope that when she sprints out of that room that she will never walk back in, not even for a glass of water or for a fried goat cheese ball.
And so, my friends, the Reunion and the season are over. There is a “Secrets Revealed” episode next week that I will not be recapping because we all know that it should really be titled “The Sh*t That Wasn’t Good Enough To Make The First Cut.” But I’d like to take a moment to thank you for joining me on this ride.
Please know that next time I will be providing the Dramamine.
As I was driving to work this morning, I thought about which Vanderpumper I hoped would return for next season, and I realized that I’m not sure that I long to see any of them again. Feeling confused, I decided instead to consider which SUR member I would most want to be trapped with on a desert island, and here was my thought process:
Stassi: Not a chance. She would whine about the heat and how the shrapnel from the enemy’s bullets hurt her skin. The only reason for keeping her would be to try to sell her to some pirates.
Scheana: I’d take Stassi before Scheana. At least Stassi can sometimes be funny. Plus, I’m worried that Scheana would want to wile away the hours in song.
Sandoval: No way this guy can build a fire and I fear I’ll get tired quickly of him asking me if his forehead looks shiny.
Kristen: I assume she’s already on that island in the form of a smoke monster.
James: On the plus side, it might be comforting to have something to project my anger and frustration upon. On the negative side, the island’s indigenous population would likely kill him in the first hour.
Jax: I actually considered Jax as my island companion for just a second because my feeling is that he would locate food. Then again, I think my hunch is more about Jax coming off to me as a caveman than as ever being a true asset, and let’s be honest: he doesn’t seem the type to share what he’s found. He’d tell me there was no food anywhere while a hunk of a banana hangs from his lower lip.
Katie: I might let her come if she brings either her dog or her boyfriend, who would have been my first choice but I simply cannot get over that pinky ring.
I guess it comes down to Ariana or Lisa, probably the two people on the show who caused me the least amount of concern for the future of humankind this season, but when it comes right down to it, I think I’d pick Lisa. I have no doubt that she would somehow contact a private jet and get us the f*ck out of there and we would fly away from the island with scintillating suntans – and we would wave out the jet’s back window at Kristen, still simmering in the distance.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.
Thank you!
🙂
-Nell