This episode begins at some boutique that sells retro-style clothing where some of the waitresses from SUR meet up with their boss so they can try on potential new uniforms. After they’re done twirling before Dame Vanderpump, Lisa makes sure to let Katie and Scheana know that she’s a bit cross with them for giving Lala a hard time. Now I love me Lisa Vanderpump in just about any scenario, but watching her pretend that the new girl wasn’t cast on this show specifically to cause conflict makes me feel as dirty as that chick Kristina must feel to still – after all these years – not have made it into the opening credit sequence yet. That sh*t’s gotta sting. At any rate, Katie and Scheana let the truth out of the bag about Lala traveling as some rich guy’s piece but all Lisa responds with is that none of it is their business and it’s time for them to play nice, which I’m certain is exactly what the producers of this show (Lady Vanderpump included) really desire because nothing brings about higher ratings than people getting along.
Over at SUR, the bartenders are annoyed. They are being tasked with learning how to make the drinks most guzzled at Lisa’s other restaurant, Pump, and they’re not all that interested in mastering the fine art of creating the Pumptini. Not only do they have to learn how to make new drinks – a true inconvenience for a person who tends bar for a living – but they must do it under the guidance of Eric, the Bar Manager over at Pump. (I capitalized Bar Manager because I think it’s implied that we are supposed to see Eric as A Very Important Person.) Jax, his hair parted to the side like he just came from an elementary school where he sat in for picture day in the hopes of claiming a new girlfriend, tells Lisa and her husband Ken that no, he will not end up working with Eric, but that bold proclamation is shot to hell by one syllable and one stern look from Ken. I could care less about bartender angst or that Jennifer Lawrence’s favorite drink involves crushed raspberries, but I could watch Jax pretend to be important all day long while crushing raspberries because I like the way he sweats from the exertion of it all.
In another area of the restaurant, Lisa approaches our favorite fun bitch to ask about how her modeling shoot went and who the photographer was and Lala responds by twirling her hair and attempting to look adorable in a way that probably worked to get drugs off a guy in Capri but might not turn out so well here. She comes clean quickly by explaining that okay, she was really preparing to jet off to Italy to take some pictures and serve as some legs-closed arm candy but she didn’t actually go through with the trip because she had herself a mini breakdown and went home to be with her mother instead. Lala’s having a tough time because Katie and Scheana have just been so mean to her and taking selfies with her mom makes her feel better and she’s okay now and I for one am tremendously relieved.
But one person who is not having an easy night is Scheana. She has locked herself in the bathroom of the restaurant and Katie finds her there and is told that Shay, Scheana’s husband, got drunk last night and is feeling depressed and he hasn’t been home since. The guy isn’t happy, Scheana says, and she looks truly devastated that her brand new husband is clearly experiencing a crisis that is more than just a very bad mood.
The next day, Lisa walks down the street carrying a swan. Like Shay, Hank the Swan is also experiencing some depression so Lisa took him to the vet to make sure he’s okay. The vet told her that Hank will work through his issues and he’s ready to hop back into her moat and so, with that crisis contained, Lisa can go and focus on getting her waitresses properly trained by Richardson, some guy who also works at Pump. (Stop being silly. Of course this is not intentional marketing synergy to advertise both of her restaurants! Lisa just wants to have her staff trained by the best people possible!) Richardson suggests that the staff use some elevated language to sell the shit out of the menu and then he blandly hits on Katie. All the while, Scheana fights to keep back tears and tries to remember that she needs to ask her customers if they would like sparkling or still water.
And now it’s time for an appearance by Tom Schwartz, Adorable Model. (I figure that if I capitalize “Bar Manager” I should certainly turn Schwartz’s profession into the most proper of nouns.) The job today requires that he feel a few women up in front of a camera (including some girl I’m quite sure appeared on the first season of Project Runway) but all the groping is acceptable because he’s using his earnings to buy Katie that engagement ring before the clock strikes twelve and she rushes to reset it because she’s not letting go of the guy any time soon, ring or not. And yes, I know that they are currently engaged and I think that’s lovely and I wish them well, but I’m not buying that she would have left him if the engagement hadn’t occurred.
Far away from any true happiness, James, Kristen, and a whole lot of alcohol hang out by a grubby pool. James is such an awesome person, you guys! I mean, he feels guilty for lying to his psychotic girlfriend but, at the same time, he’s very confused! See, he doesn’t actually regret doing the thing he lied about because the sex he and that girl Jenna had was great and it actually makes him a gentleman to declare such a thing on camera. Still, he can’t help but love the pathetic woman sitting before him too. Ugh…it’s so hard to be James!
It might be harder to be Kristen, though. She sits next to this child and listens as he gleefully lies to her and tells her that while he has never been unfaithful, he doesn’t quite trust her. In her interviews, she explains that all the guy is really doing is projecting his guilt upon her – and she deals with it all by staying with him and she doesn’t even try to shave the ridiculous hair off his head or slam her foot into his chin ass to try to even it out. I tell you, I will never understand some people.