Vanderpump Rules Recap – 11/16/15

November 17th, 2015 | No Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

Back at SUR, Lisa wants to let Katie and Scheana know that Lala is fragile and she deserves everyone’s kindness (can I be the only one who thinks that Lala is laughing hysterically in a bathroom stall while this conversation about her fragility goes down?) and Scheana responds that she’s got way too much going on right now to throw the new girl a Welcome to Sur/Don’t F*ck Jax party. Yes, Scheana admits, she’s probably being a little bitchy these days, but she’s working to try to save her marriage and that’s her priority.

In an apartment where far too many people besides him have gotten laid with one of his girlfriends, Sandoval enlists Schwartz to help him move out the couch that is encrusted with Jax’s petrified semen. Once it’s removed like the biohazard it is, the two discuss the ring Schwartz is buying for Katie. Sandoval seems happy for his friend and that’s the kind of thing that makes me like him, but the talk quickly turns from joyful proposal talk to a conversation about a new marriage that’s imploding. They know that Shay has been drinking a lot lately and that he’s going through some stuff and they resolve to get in touch with the guy to make sure that he’s okay. Then they give the sperm-splattered couch to Faith, the new SUR waitress, who will need to get a vaccination immediately.

Speaking of patient zero, Jax is hanging out in the alley behind SUR when Lala approaches. Like any heterosexual male who has absolutely no desire to f*ck the young woman sitting before him, Jax inquires as to how she likes SUR and how the other girls have been treating her. Now here’s the thing: I don’t personally know Lala and I already hate enough people on this show that I’d be pretty happy anointing her my newest favorite reality show waitress, but she has just made it utterly impossible for me to ever write anything positive about her by saying that she doesn’t know too much about Jax. (Oh, okay. She’s pretending she’s never watched the show before joining the cast! Clever! And believable!) But she has heard that he gets around and that girls everywhere have been “Jaxed” and she’s not sure what that involves, but to her it sounds like a whole lot of fun. Um, Lala? Let me enlighten you, dear. Being Jaxed eventually involves ingesting penicillin, becoming an automatic member of the worst club for females on the planet, and dealing with chronic itching when you pee. Mystery f*cking solved.

Anyway, Lala tells this trustworthy specimen that the girls are making her feel like she’s back in middle school – where you just know Lala was the sweetest girl in the cafeteria – and then listens as Jax explains that the person who moved from Kentucky to be with him is not his girlfriend. Rather than either of them getting up and fleeing into traffic to escape sitting across from one another, Jax instead lets us know that he sees a lot of red flags when it comes to Lala. She’s trouble, he claims, and that probably means he’ll be lying on someone else’s couch with her before the season finale.

At Scheana’s house, Ariana shows up to talk to her friend and Scheana finally comes out with what’s really going on in her marriage. She is confused and heartbroken and afraid as her husband self-medicates to cope with something that sounds an awful lot like depression mixed with addiction and both of those are potentially dire issues that cannot be cured overnight. Scheana’s doing here what a lot of people who are close to an addict end up doing: she blames herself and she continues to keep the majority of his secrets – for now.

The next day – or on the same day or during the previous day because who can tell what f*cking day is on a show that plays fast and loose with both continuity and morality? – Lisa learns from James that he and Kristen are going through a rough patch. Quick question: did they ever go through a patch where they skipped through a field of daisies? Anyhoo, Lisa thinks Kristen is an emotional cripple who cannot possibly be a supportive partner to anyone with a pulse and she believes James would be better off if he slept with a corpse.

But a happy moment is afoot because Schwartz, Sandoval, and Scheana show up at a jeweler to choose Katie’s engagement ring. Trying on rings can’t be easy when your own marriage is blowing up in drunken smithereens, but Scheana shows some selflessness here and I find myself hoping that things work out for her in much the same way I often hope for Jax’s deportation on the grounds that he is simply bad for our nation. Sure, Scheana almost lost my piling-up goodwill the moment she alluded to paparazzi bombarding her the moment she slips her wedding ring off (she is very famous), but I’m choosing to ignore that for now because she tells the guys that she hasn’t spoken to her husband in four days and that his drinking has become so severe that it’s now impacting his psyche. Sandoval, acting as the grown-up here, suggests that if Shay is not happy as an individual, there’s no way he can be happy as a couple and his advice is well worth revisiting after they all toast to Katie’s engagement ring with champagne and a chorus of “congratu-f*cking-lations” because champagne combined with choruses are really classy.

While they’re at work, even Jax notices that Scheana isn’t doing well. He and Sandoval decide that they need to speak to her husband because it’s looking like the guy could really use some help. Out of all the people on this show, Sandoval strikes me as the most perceptive when it comes to empathizing with the feelings of others so I hope he follows through and tries to do anything he can. But in the meantime, there is vileness in our midst. Lala is working the phone while James stares hard at her leeringly before walking over to give her the most awkward hug seen outside of a haphephobia convention. Then he tells her that he’s heard some of the girls are giving her a hard time, officially ruining this episode as my submission to The Feminist Awards, and he manages to also make me gag by saying the girls allegedly have “antsies in their pantsies” because of Lala’s arrival on the SUR scene. Honestly, there was so much that I violently cringed at in two minutes flat that I’m now worried for my health because I’ve heard that cringing is bad for the liver, but I shall soldier on and try to ignore that James described Lala’s personal space as their very own truth circle before declaring his dislike for bush. And after all that, Lala feels drawn to the guy proving definitively that this girl is either a total f*cking idiot or just savvy enough to realize that bouncing like an implant between the men-children of SUR will snare her plenty of screen time.

Despite the fact that James might get laid, there’s even darker clouds on the horizon. Scheana sits down with Lisa to explain that her marriage is a mess. She started noticing just three months after their wedding that Shay was drinking a lot and mixing the alcohol with pills and it got to the point where he was taking at least five painkillers a day. Lisa, concerned and blunt as always, comes right out and says the guy is an addict while Scheana explains how this entire thing has rocked her world so badly that she can hardly recognize her life anymore. Like cheating, a secret addiction is a betrayal. It’s also a genuine disease (meaning its nothing like what Brooks has) that impacts everyone and everything in its path and this season has officially just turned dark and tragic.

Call off the search for the cult leader. One’s clearly not needed anymore.

Next week, James and Kristen go to therapy together because a relationship so glorious deserves to be saved and Shay’s wife and friends stage an intervention on camera. I’m not sure that Lala made it to the intervention, though. I think she was stuck on line at CVS picking up the prescription she required after getting Jaxed.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

Leave a Reply