At the therapist’s office (who else was expecting it to be the same woman who treated Tori Spelling on her reality show, True Tori, a trainwreck of such epic proportions that it makes Vanderpump Rules look like Masterpiece f*cking Theatre?), Kristen informs us that she’s been seeing her doctor for nine months now and it’s done “volumes” for her. Normally I’d ask for clarification about what the word “volumes” means in this context, but I’m too busy focusing on the way James tells her to get over the fact that he’s still drunk after his boy’s night out. Look, there’s one of two things happening here. Either we are witnessing the two worst homosapiens on the planet actually deal with real issues or these two are playacting for the cameras and giggling behind closed doors because the interaction between them is so bizarre and fueled by such hatred that it’s impossible to imagine that this sh*t could be real. For this recap’s sake, let’s pretend that what we have before us here is real, okay? And if we’re gonna play that game, it comes out fast that Kristen drinks a bottle of wine a day (just one?) and that she believes James’ drinking is an excuse to act like an assh*le and to cheat on her with his “sorry d*ck.” What the therapist (please God, let her be an actress playing a therapist!) wants to know is how the two can stop the retaliation so they can save the relationship. This woman wants to save their relationship? Please God, let the therapist be high.
It’s slowly starting to dawn on Kristen that James isn’t growing nearly as much as she claims to be and she wonders if their relationship is even worth fighting for. Just to be clear, after he called her “a f*cking bitch” while sitting beside her on a therapist’s couch she’s still not sure. Please God, let Kristen be high too.
Away from either the most fake or the most depressing therapy session ever recorded – and that includes every scene from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – Sandoval, Ariana, Schwartz, Katie, Peter, and his girlfriend Sarah go out for dinner. Marriage is on everyone’s brain and Sandoval professes his desire to marry Ariana. Unfortunately for him, he appears to have found the only woman in SUR not looking for a husband, though she is careful to say that she is committed to him. (I’m imagining that wherever she is while watching this scene, Kristen just opened a second bottle of wine.) But betrothal talk comes to an end because it’s time to talk about Shay and what exactly is going on with the guy. Everybody is worried. Sandoval explains that Shay is not making much money these days and that’s leading to him feel depressed and they all agree that both Scheana and Shay need their help.
Back at SUR, Lala is back at the hostess stand and now it’s time for her to chat with James. He’s playing DJ later that night and Lala – she of the excellent taste – tells him that he’s much sexier as a DJ than as a busboy. I’m starting to wonder if maybe James has a different face when he’s a DJ. I’m also starting to wonder how long it will be before he calls Lala a f*cking bitch on some therapist’s couch. Anyway, it turns out that Lala sings a little bit (You don’t say! And here I just thought she worked at SUR because it’s the best hostess gig in town and not at all because she wants exposure!) and James tells her she’s pretty with much the same charm as the drunk guy who lives in that doorway near Union Square says it after peeing on your shoes as you walk by.
Real dreams do exist for some people, though, and Sandoval and Schwartz are heading over to pitch Lisa on their new business venture. They arrive at her home and trudge over the moat and are greeted by the maid and try to breathe deeply so as not to pass out from all the conspicuous luxury. Lisa appears on the balcony and makes quite an entrance and they all sit down together. Before they talk business, they discuss Shay. Sandoval suggests that Shay’s sadness is due to feeling emasculated because he doesn’t provide any income and maybe Lisa can hire him at Pump. It’s a kind idea, but Lisa is not about hiring an addict. She wants him to get clean and the woman’s got a point. Pandora and Jason soon join them and the pitch begins. They want to work for them and help sell their sangria line. They want to sell the hell out of it, to maybe have some options when their modeling options fade, and for that kind of forward thinking I respect them and I hope they become joint Employees of the Month by next year at this time.
Back at Scheana’s apartment, Schwartz, Katie, Sandoval, and Ariana come by. Siting in a home while surrounded by more enormous portraits than I have ever seen outside of a gallery is making Scheana depressed. No joke, her walls are decked out with gigantic pictures of her and Shay and I shall wait for a more opportune time to make so much fun of this decorating scheme, but right now – before the intervention – it just strikes me as unseemly. Yes, there’s about to be a confrontation to get to the bottom of what the issue is with Shay. I’m not so sure such a thing should be done on camera, but that’s just me. Since it is transpiring for our viewing pleasure, here’s what goes down:
Scheana claims Shay will be more comfortable if it’s not just the two of them talking privately and Shay comes in the door. Everyone greets him with hugs and he and Scheana both begin to cry. Shay says he’s been staying at his parents’ house for a week and he all but ran away and cut everyone off. Sandoval tells him they are all there for him and he asks if Shay is addicted to pills and if he feels withdrawal symptoms if he doesn’t take them, to which Shay says he does. He admits that he’s sometimes taken as many as ten pills a day and Scheana says that instead of paying bills sometimes, he just buys pills. Also, Shay has been on pills the entire time he has known everybody who is currently sitting in his living room. He didn’t talk to anyone about it before because he felt like he’d be judged and Scheana is hysterical that she married an addict who is so sick and miserable.
More comes out. Shay maintains that he feels intimidated by his wife and he feels like he can’t open up to her and that she doesn’t listen to him. The whole situation is just not good and the guy needs to get some treatment – and maybe it should be by anyone not recommended by Kristen’s therapist.
And now it’s time for Brittany’s second interview at SUR and this time she arrives wearing a teeny tiny romper because all of her clothing that covers her clitoris is at the dry cleaner. Lisa actually sighs when she sees her and then asks again for her still-missing resume (that’s also at the dry cleaner), though Jax the Genius says that Brittany’s looks alone should serve as her resume. When pressed about where she’s worked, she says that she’s worked at Hooters and Lisa, having seen quite enough, declines to hire a girl who showed up naked for her job interview – twice.
Inside Scheana and Shay’s house, they prepare some food and eat it at card tables in the living room while Scheana dreams out loud about the dining room furniture she wants to own. I get that everybody’s got furniture goals (I want a tufted velvet sofa that cleans itself), but maybe suggesting such a thing to one’s broke husband who is struggling with addiction is not the wisest choice. They both seem to want to fix their marriage but there are glaring warning signs shooting flames everywhere you look. For example, Shay needs to get sober but Scheana doesn’t want him to be entirely sober. She likes to go out! He can drink on special occasions! He can just sip until he’s buzzed! But she’d rather he doesn’t do any other drugs so she has purchased a home drug testing kit to make sure he’s clean. That said, she’s willing to look the other way if he comes back positive for weed so it’s looking like Shay the Addict is the luckiest addict alive because his wife doesn’t care if he gets buzzed or high.
Someone who is making far more sense is Lisa who sits down with Scheana at SUR. Scheana explains that she thinks Shay is back on the right path but Lisa knows that the guy has a problem and actually requires some real help. As far as Lisa is concerned, randomly testing the urine of one’s husband is not the answer, but what does she know? She’s only been married for about thirty years and she lives in a house without enormous photographs of herself plastered on the walls – which is something else she is newly thankful for.
Next week, James breaks up with Kristen and starts hanging out with Lala. Illustrating her voluminous growth, Kristen tells Lala that James has called her a slut and a whore and I’ve just decided that one last thing I’m grateful for this Thanksgiving is that none of these people are actually in my life.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.