We start at Lisa’s house and between this show and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, I have now officially seen her swans more often than I have seen my friends in the last month. I’m pleased to report that they all still appear to be living, but I’m more pleased that this episode starts with Schwartz. He’s shown up to basically get Lisa’s approval about the engagement ring he’s ready to slip onto Katie’s quivering finger. Before he can do that, he gives Lisa a mock proposal and requests that she run away with him forever and I know that Lisa Vanderpump’s got a good life and all, but if I were her, I’d grab one of those swans and run away with Schwartz for at least a long afternoon. (He might not look like he’d be a ton of fun in bed, but you just know the guy gives a kick-ass foot rub.) Lisa stays loyal to her husband, however, and she tells him that the ring is gorgeous in very sweet and hushed tones until her voice rises twelve octaves upon hearing that he wants to blindside her with the proposal. Despite her misgivings, Tom’s gonna do it his way and he looks extremely excited and it’s all kind of adorable.
Far less adorable is the terrible tattoo Sandoval had emblazoned across his ass last week and perhaps the only person who hates it more than I do is Ariana. She has brought her boyfriend to a tattoo removal place in what I’m thinking is the finest example of common sense we have ever seen captured on this program. But before he can get that thing erased, he and Ariana get to chat about how totally bewildering it is that their closest friends are advocating for Kristen’s attendance at Sandoval’s birthday party. And it is bewildering! Kristen, despite setting out on her Apologize & Be Normal Tour, has emotionally tortured both Sandoval and Ariana for well over a year. She has threatened to physically torture Ariana as well and it is more than a little nutty that everyone else wants them to shrug such a thing off in the name of what they think will be a good time. At any rate, the discussion is benched for the moment because it’s time for Sandoval to pull his pants down to show off that awful tattoo to the removal specialist. Her news is grim. Turns out he has to wait to get it lasered off, when it happens it will take a year and a half to be removed, it’ll cost him over a thousand dollars, and he may not go tanning in the meantime. Tell the guy next that he will have to stop threading his eyebrows next and we’ll see a full-blown meltdown unfurl all over the f*cking screen.
That night, Jax, Scheana, and Kristen head out for drinks. Jax brought the girls there to intentionally c*ck-block him all night long. See, Lala is joining them too and Jax knows that he’ll probably sleep with her if it’s just the two of them and that would be rather unfortunate timing for some meaningless sex to occur because the girl who loves him is driving clear across the country at that very second to come live with him. Now, going back to that theme of change for a second, I think we’re seeing something rather remarkable in our midst here. Jax is trying to be a better person! It’s happening, you guys! Sure, I have little hope that he’ll actually pull the whole thing off, but I think he might be trying a teensy tiny bit, don’t you? (What’s that? Maybe he shouldn’t be meeting up with a girl he clearly wants to f*ck when he’s about to be living with someone who just left her entire life behind to bask in his sweaty glow? Well, I suppose that’s an excellent point too.)
Before Lala can arrive and Jax can tug on his chastity belt, Scheana asks Jax what happened when Kristen was brought up as a possible birthday party guest. This is a conversation I just don’t understand, but I think it’s mostly because I don’t want to understand. Isn’t Scheana supposed to be Ariana’s best friend? Aren’t best friends supposed to be loyal to one another and not get matching tattoos with the person who prayed for their best friend’s bloody demise? At the very least, a real friend should not publicly declare that her best friend has a really bad attitude. The whole thing is pretty awful, but Kristen snags the awful crown yet again when she hears that neither Sandoval nor Ariana feel like they will be able to function in her presence and she still asks, “So? Am I invited?” And that right there is our first new nugget of proof that Kristen is still as psychotic as ever because what kind of person is dying to enter an environment where battles occurred simply about her being there? As for Jax, this dipsh*t hasn’t changed either. He knows that this will put his closest friend into paroxysms of anxiety but he still decides that he wants Kristen there for the birthday weekend and he will fight to the death to make sure it happens and since she has not a speck of self-awareness or dignity, Kristen clasps his hands in triumph across the table.
(I think watching people have their homes and livelihoods ripped away from them in The Big Short was far less depressing than Vanderpump Rules is turning out to be.)
Lala shows up next and Jax, since he’s such a gentleman, wants to make sure that she and Kristen are okay sitting at the table with one another. What’s that we have here? Another conflict between Kristen and someone on this show? It’s all very rare to see, but the conflict stems from the fact that Lala is now hooking up with the most tragic DJ in Los Angeles proper and Kristen spent over a year doing the very same thing. But does Kristen care? Well, here’s what she says: “Honestly, I don’t care. I don’t care if you’re f*cking James or if you’re friends with him. I don’t give a sh*t.” I totally believe her, don’t you? She then follows up Lala’s declaration that she has never f*cked James by telling her with a cold and creepy grin that she shouldn’t because his d*ck is dirty as hell by now – which is kind of an insult against herself, but that’s really just the tip of the condom that was probably never worn, you know? Lala stays at the table anyway (because that’s where the cameras are) and they all do shot after shot and then Lala gets all huggy. She wants to hug Kristen! She wants to nuzzle Jax! She wants to be invited to Jax and Sandoval’s birthday and she wants to maybe blow Jax right there at the table. And Kristen? She wants to stab Lala with a drink stirrer and shove some glass down her throat and haul her up to the bar where she can be anointed Skank of the Year before Kristen grabs the trophy back because she doesn’t like it when things are taken away from her.
On a new day in SUR, Sandoval cracks a bottle of Sambuca all over the bar and Lisa tells Katie that Schwartz and Sandoval are just dicking around when it comes to actually immersing himself in the world of her sangria business. When Katie leaves the room, Sandoval and Lisa discuss how Schwartz is going to propose soon and they both look excited. In the front of the restaurant, Lala is taking reservations while Jax gets a call from Brittany. She has just arrived, her car crammed with boxes. Brittany is full of smiles and bouncy enthusiasm; she is so excited to be living with a guy who wandered away from a table a few hours ago murmuring about how badly he wants to f*ck SUR’s hostess. I might not applaud Brittany’s taste in men – though to be fair, not all of my conquests deserve standing ovations – but I hope that she will be somewhat happy and that moving in with this guy is not the very worst decision she will make in her entire life.
Then James comes over and drawls, “Best of luck to you, darling,” before telling us that at this time next year, Brittany will no longer be in Jax’s life. The hatred these two guys have for one another is so vibrant that I can taste it (it tastes kind of like pee after you eat asparagus) and it’s actually kind of perversely fun to watch two people I find ridiculous as they attempt to destroy one another without messing up their hair.
As Jax informs Brittany about all the plans they have coming up, we get a shot of Lala in the front of the restaurant – you know, just so we’re crystal clear that some other chick is still on Jax’s mind even while his girlfriend stands before him. Just after Brittany leaves, James pops over to Lala and gives her a kiss that looks grossly wet on her cheek, but he’s not really there for that. Like a town crier who only shouts sh*tty news, James is there to inform Lala that Jax and Brittany are living together – and that’s something she didn’t know. But the good news goes both ways, so Lala makes sure to tell James that last night she and Jax were all over each other and that he asked her if they could maybe f*ck and just not tell anyone and James’ head looks like it might shoot clear off his shoulders and hit the ceiling due to absolute fury. Still, the two of them come to an agreement that they enjoy making one another jealous and that they are both going to go to Hawaii for Jax’s birthday (even though James isn’t even invited, which makes me think that he and Kristen might truly be soul mates) and when Lala says that she will walk around with only a coconut on those sandy shores, James sticks his tongue out of his mouth and makes a “mmmmmm” sound and I think I just became spontaneously sterile.
The next day, Jax goes to see Lisa to tell her that her entire staff will be leaving for Hawaii in a week to celebrate his birthday and that means she’s going to have to scramble to adjust the schedule. Since he’s kind, he will leave Lisa with James and the guy can bus the entire restaurant for all Jax cares. All he wants is for his birthday to be James-free and really, I think that’s what we all want. But over at her house, Lala tells Faith that she recently touched James’ d*ck and that she also texted Jax at three in the morning to tell him to come over and get into her bed. She doesn’t exactly remember sending that text, but then again, Drunk Lala is not to be tasked with any responsibility whatsoever.