Vanderpump Rules Recap – 2/22/16

February 23rd, 2016 | 1 Comment | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 4

And speaking of our Vanderpumpers, what have we learned about them so far this season? We know that Stassi became so lost that she was willing to believe that she found a safe harbor on a lunatic’s couch and that she desperately wants to be friends with people she used to loudly decree were beneath her. We know that Sandoval spoke for ten minutes straight about why he didn’t want Kristen to come to Hawaii – he told her all of the reasons directly to her face and in alphabetical order – and this crazy woman still walked away from the conversation by randomly announcing, “Congratulations, Ariana – you win.” We know that Ariana, of course, continues to win just because she’s not Kristen. We know Katie and Schwartz are heading into a passionless marriage and that he doesn’t ever want to sell sangria. We know that there’s clearly a fierce battle going down between Jax and James to determine which of them is awful enough that science should jump on in here and make at least one of them extinct. But perhaps the thing any of us watching with at least one eye knows best is that these people probably wouldn’t be friends with one another anymore if not for this show. It’s too messy now and, even if they all reconcile, they will end up on a two-part reunion where every single thing that hurt each one of them will be discussed ad nauseam and that kind of miserable retreading is not what typically leads to closeness between people who sort of want to maul one another.

Since we’ve still got a ways to go before the reunion, there’s more of a mess yet to be made and we begin this week’s emotional pigsty in a lingerie store that allows cameras and hands out champagne you must suck through a straw. Scheana has set up the whole shindig in an effort to reconnect with Ariana and she’s gonna let Katie watch as it happens. Also, Scheana once heard from Jax that girls trying on lingerie in a group setting is a complex fantasy some guys harbor and, knowing that it might not work out with Shay in the long-run, Scheana would like to keep herself attractive to all men so she can have herself some options. As for Ariana, Scheana misses her and she can’t imagine why Ariana isn’t there for her, especially after she made sure to continue to invite Ariana’s nemesis out for drinks even after that nemesis continued to imagine aloud the very best ways for Ariana to be killed. Still, if anything can bond women it’s trying on garter belts together and the whole excursion might have been a success if Ariana didn’t bitch about every bra she strapped to her body. Katie walks out with some new stuff and she also lets us know that she and Schwartz have still not had sex and I wish I’d formed a bracket at this point so we could all place bets on how long this newly-engaged couple will go before one of them explodes.

On another stressful note, Stassi has been texting Katie but Katie is still not interested in making amends with someone who so ingloriously ditched her. It’s not going any better for the guys in their little group. Ariana tells Katie and Scheana that Jax flipped the f*ck out on Sandoval last night but Scheana is quick to correct her and to blame Sandoval for the mess because that’s exactly what you’re supposed to do while you’re trying to win back a friend and the lingerie shopping didn’t work and she hates you anyway.

Speaking of hatred, the next scene is all about James and the single greatest accomplishment of his life. Yes, I too thought it would be his tank top collection, but in fact it’s a Pump complication CD! So just how talented is James? Well, let’s allow him to tell us! “I don’t mean to be conceited,” says this ridiculous human specimen that needs to be studied quickly. “But I’m the white Kanye West.” That can’t possibly be a statement that’ll come back to haunt him, right? (Ten bucks says he copyrights that sentence and starts putting it on tee shirts.) I think what James means here is that, just like Real Kanye, he too is easily 50% more influential than any person – living or dead – on planet Earth and in a totally unrelated note, is there an ETA for when a civilization is ready to start on Jupiter because I think I need to move to a planet where people refrain from saying such idiotic things. As for our White Kanye, he’s working in the studio on his masterpiece when Lisa comes by to check on the status of the project because she’s the one who is financing this little operation. James tells her that his song with Lala might not make it on the CD cause bitches be crazy. He also lets her know that he’s been making the very intelligent choice to miss Kristen. Shaking her head at his nonsense, Lisa tells him to stay away from negative influences – like alcohol and his ex-girlfriend – and James thanks her for her advice with an odd glint in his eyes that is so weirdly cold that it almost caused me to shiver.

There’s something very off to me about young James.

In an office across town, Schwartz and Sandoval sit together in a waiting room. It’s a rough day for Schwartz. Sandoval is getting his tattoo removed so they will no longer be ass tattoo buds and it’s sad when something real ends. I’m not taking it too badly, though. I think these two will be married to one another in less than a decade and I’m already happy for them. But before I can purchase them some flatware, Ariana calls to tell Sandoval that Jax – age 36 – claims that the reason he lost his mind the other night and formulated sentences like, “I’m the most popular one!” was all because Sandoval wanted to talk about his band. The entire fight between these two is so silly and there’s no time to focus on any of it because we’re about to see Sandoval’s ass tattoo get removed with a device that looks like it was developed in a medieval torture chamber.

In an IKEA-and-Pier-1-decorated torture chamber across town, Stassi is starting to feel right at home getting trashed on Kristen’s couch during the daytime. She’s even able to offer her benefactor some support! Kristen, who is known mostly for her dramatic roles, is involved in a comedy project (besides Vanderpump Rules) and she’s a bit nervous about it, but the subject almost immediately gets changed to Stassi’s obsession with Katie, a girl who seems to have somehow morphed from Dullest Vanderpumper Ever into Queen Bee of a hive I’d guess is rather sticky. Stassi doesn’t know what to do because Katie won’t talk to her, but Kristen has an idea! She will drag Katie to Palm Springs and shove her unknowingly into a room with her former best friend and she will hope for the best and she says this like it’s actually a very good and sane idea. Stassi, who is clearly losing her mind due to what I hope is some undiscovered form of Stockholm Syndrome, hops on board with the “Blindside Her Into Listening To My Apology” plan and then she and Kristen sit side by side on a couch and lament the loss of friendships they didn’t seem to appreciate in the first place.

In yet another waiting room, Brittany is filling out medical forms for her breast enhancement while her miserable boyfriend tells her that he’s unhappy in all areas of his life. He feels like he’s falling back into bad habits and he doesn’t want that for himself so he tries to be a little more mature right then and there and he accomplishes such a feat by fondling some silicon in the doctor’s office, saying “boobs” several times in a row, and purchasing his new girlfriend some new t*ts.

Who says bad habits can’t be broken?

As for those new breasts, Jax all but peer pressures his girlfriend (who might not ever become President of MENSA) into believing that yes, she totally wants to be a D cup, and the two of them giggle once the decision is made and I sort of hope that her new cleavage crushes one of them during the night.

Two people who probably should be in a doctor’s office are Scheana and Shay, but they are at home where they’re having another conversation about his drinking issues and her mothering issues and, listen, these are major issues – true problems – and now it seems that Shay has some other problems too. The guy is thirty and has no career and no prospects but he does have a new video game. One day he would like to teach and coach, he says. But looking at these two? That day seems very hard to imagine.

In a happier space, Ariana rubs lotion on her boyfriend’s tender heiny and then Jax enters and the mood grows dark. He’s there to help remove the couch on which he once nailed Sandoval’s girlfriend while Sandoval’s slept blissfully oblivious in the next room. Now, I’m not sure how great it would be for the environment to burn Naugahyde, but I think the thing should be destroyed forever and we can maybe risk a minor biohazard to rid the world of that stained sofa. While moving the furniture, Jax decides to keep the change he finds beneath the cushions so maybe he can also purchase Brittany some brand new nipples as well. The peace between the three of them does not last. Outside, Sandoval and Ariana confront Jax about his crazy behavior and he reacts by crazily screaming and yelling and pointing fingers and deciding that it’s Ariana who is escalating the situation and I really wanted him to walk down the street muttering, “Congratulations, Ariana – you win,” but I guess some dreams don’t come true.

Now it’s the day of Brittany’s surgery and Jax, backwards baseball hat and all, is positively giddy about the gigantic boobs heading his way. The surgeon begins the procedure by saying, “Let’s rock and roll,” and Jax compares his girlfriend’s swollen chest to a 70″ TV – evidentially not a flat screen – and then enters the recovery room by calling her “Boobs McGhee.”

I swear that I no longer think this guy is real.

One thought on “Vanderpump Rules Recap – 2/22/16

  1. I always learn something from your recaps, not about reality tv but reality.

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