Vanderpump Rules Recap – 2/29/16

March 1st, 2016 | No Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 4

Is there an exact date on record in the annals of history of the first time someone answered the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” with simply the word, “Famous”? Did that person just shrug dismissively when someone brave questioned whether or not he or she actually had any talent that might beckon fame in the future? And if we journeyed back in time and snipped that shrugger’s vocal cords and also maybe hired a sniper, would Vanderpump Rules even exist?

I think one of the things that infuriates me the most about this show is that so few of its participants appear to have any goals other than achieving some level of generic infamy. I mean, sure –you can argue that Sandoval’s got a band and Schwartz is a model and Katie (who has never once worn an item of clothing I have coveted) has a style blog, but what do the rest of them want to do besides strip off their dignity season after season while cameras point and aim and shoot? What is Jax’s long-term plan for his career and personal happiness? Ready to laugh? I recently heard that our favorite felon opened (or will be opening) a restaurant of his very own. Riddle me this: would anyone who has ever watched this show actually consume food prepared in an establishment that was started by one of the ooziest guys who has ever appeared on television? How might one sterilize a dumpling? Then there’s Kristen. She claims to want to be an actress, one who is best known for her dramatic roles. But here’s the undeniable caveat: after being inside of this loon’s dreary apartment and watching her tell random strangers to “Suck a d*ck” and knowing that she proclaims to her bedroom mirror, “I’m 5’9” and I’m spectacular!” on a daily basis, can anyone even pretend to buy her as an authentically sane person or really believe her in any role other than Scorned Psychopath?

(I’d toss James into this little exercise too – you know, just for giggles – but the guy has already announced to the masses that he’s the white Kanye West. When it comes to this English weenie, I figure that I don’t even need to lift a f*cking finger anymore. The guy is just that ridiculous; all I have to do is record what he says and then walk away because this dude has become my living embodiment of a human mic drop.)

As for the rest, I have no idea what they eventually hope to do with their lives, but I’m quite sure that appearing on this show is complicating things for them in ways they are refusing to even quantify at this point. But the thing is, these people aren’t teenagers anymore and there are some questions they might need to start contemplating. Are they planning on being servers and bartenders at SUR until they die or is it maybe more likely that they’ll have to spend the first ten minutes of every job interview from this point forward attempting to refute every hideous personal characteristic that they brazenly exhibited for years on this show? How chilly will some of them eventually feel when the lights of the camera are no longer casting a toasty shadow? In other words, what happens to this group of backbiting, disloyal adults once this show eventually goes off the air and Celebrity Rehab isn’t even interested in having such G-listers fill the house? At least the Housewives in any given franchise snare themselves bullsh*t alcohol endorsement deals; the only thing I’ve heard to come out of the Vanderpump Rules dump is a ridiculous Scheana song, style sites I’ve never visited, and a tee line run by Kristen, a woman so loathsome I would rather strip my own flesh off with a vegetable peeler and then weave it together with a rusty loom than stick an item of clothing that assh*le designed on my body.

Really…I’ve already been through enough.

I started contemplating what this entire experience is worth for its participants when I saw in the coming attractions that former best friends Stassi and Katie will have a conversation tonight about how badly Stassi feels now that being a bitch went awry for her in the way it shockingly never has before. Knowing this scene was on the docket, I couldn’t help but ponder a few other questions:

1. Why did Stassi wait for production to resume before trying on contrition to see if it fits as well as Spanx?
2. Is there seriously nobody else in Stassi’s life she could have bunked with during this trying time besides Kristen? Is it just a coincidence that cameras visit that apartment too and maybe that’s why Stassi’s pretending to tolerate Kristen until anyone else finally speaks to her?
3. Does Stassi have any other income coming in besides the salary she receives to ruin friendships on camera and then beg for those friends to just call her sometimes – also on camera?
4. Can anyone explain what either woman misses about the other? Because I don’t think even they can respond to that question.

At any rate, tonight is about longed-for reconciliations and golden hopes and Swarovski-encrusted dreams and…f*ck it, I can’t even fake it. Tonight is about even more problems that people bring upon themselves in the name of cash and some paltry semblance of this century’s curious form of fame.

We begin at SUR where Lala is busy working the phones. Katie and Scheana arrive and head into the courtyard where they sit around looking like sh*ttier-dressed versions of Oliver Twist. They’ve shown up to put their hands out to collect the bread they’ve earned. (Does SUR not provide direct deposit or do none of these people have a bank account?) In any case, Katie is properly attired for the very businesslike event of getting paid. She’s rocking glasses, a bun you’d normally see on a porn star who’s pretending to be a librarian, and she’s got a scarf knotted around her neck just like my grandmother used to wear. I’d like to take this moment to remind you once again that this chick has a style blog. Anyway, the librarian’s ready to get out of town because she drunkenly texted her fiancé sweet-nothing’s like, “Aren’t you glad I’m not pregnant?” because they were fighting and she wanted to hurt him. Listen, all couples fight. They’ll move beyond this. But, Katie? The only way a pregnancy text can have any sort of threatening impact on its recipient is if the guy has actually banged you recently and both of you seem intent on telling the public at large that such an event has not occurred in several moons. In the future, just tell him his hair is thinning. It’ll do the job nicely.

During Tequila Katie’s reign, Scheana – the voice of reason – attempted to stop her best friend in the whole wide world from texting Schwartz that she hates him and that she maybe wants to get the ring appraised and see – that’s the kind of closeness Ariana is missing out on. Speaking of Ariana, the Duchess of Joy shows up next to get her check and the three have an awkward conversation about absolutely nothing until Ariana finally leaves and Lisa shows up with the money and some advice. Upon hearing that Kristen invited them to Palm Springs for a girls’ weekend, Lisa snorts. Upon hearing that Stassi will be there too, Lisa glances up with a look of befuddlement on her face. Sure, it might be that she’s just caught a full gander of Katie’s whole outfit (the one I’m now actively praying was a dare), but her reaction might also be due to the news that Katie is about to take a road trip to see the girl who dumped her.

Katie is no dummy, though. She’s not embarking on a trip to Palm Springs without having thought this thing through! Her devious plan is to catch Stassi off-guard by arriving unexpectedly. She doesn’t want Stassi to have the chance to prepare notecards or even get a pep talk from Kristen, Female Warrior. No, she wants Stassi to be as vulnerable as possible so she can verbally eviscerate her before eventually making her a bridesmaid. No worries, people. The wedding will totally be broadcast.

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